14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere. Sorry
if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on. This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister (I'm 24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of drugs). Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I didn't want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer 2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around, make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that she talks to. Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A & B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on anything related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I & her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk of a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see. He used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule). I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on (but she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana so far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police (he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words & phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence) & since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting it sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though I'm her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also his parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care (I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about it). I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend", though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me to let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely forced into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know better). I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back) is if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME (remember, the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her & what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area). -- There are 10 types of people in this world... ....those who understand binary & those who dont. |
14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
Daniel daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message ... I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere. Sorry if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on. This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister (I'm 24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of drugs). Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I didn't want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer 2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around, make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that she talks to. Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A & B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on anything related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I & her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk of a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see. He used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule). I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on (but she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana so far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police (he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words & phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence) & since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting it sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though I'm her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also his parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care (I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about it). I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend", though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me to let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely forced into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know better). I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back) is if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME (remember, the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her & what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area). -- There are 10 types of people in this world... ...those who understand binary & those who dont. Wow.... That is commendable that you are taking care of your sister. I am going to leave the issues about getting evidence against the boyfriend to others who may have dealt with the police in something like this. I will suggest that its likely even if you do get this boyfriend put away, there will just be another one to fill his void. This 14 year old has many issues going on. Abuse? Neglect? A father that doesn't care, ect. She is only 14 but it sounds as though she has WAY to much freedom. Kids will do bad things if they have to much free time. I image you are working, as most of us have to do and that it makes it hard for you to be with her all the time. First, she needs to be seeing someone professional. She is drinking, doing drugs and I hate to say this, I would bet it all she is having sex. Second, get her involved in some positive activities. Sports, community stuff, anything that is around there. Third, I know we are need a break but you are leaving for spring break when you know that she is going to go wild. You took the parent role, its a full time job. Tiffany |
14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
"Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message ... I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere. Sorry if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on. This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister (I'm 24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of drugs). Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I didn't want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer 2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around, make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that she talks to. Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A & B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on anything related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I & her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk of a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see. He used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule). I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on (but she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana so far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police (he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words & phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence) & since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting it sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though I'm her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also his parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care (I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about it). I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend", though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me to let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely forced into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know better). I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back) is if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME (remember, the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her & what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area). -- There are 10 types of people in this world... ...those who understand binary & those who dont. Holy crap. I have to wonder what's with this 19 yr old that he would be interested in a 14 yr old girl?? Talk about a predator. I see that you have tried a number of ways to confront this, without mention of the obvious. Have you had discussions with this guy letting him know that you do not want him seeing your sister? That it's totally inappropriate? She's just a kid? A discussion, that is clearly being held from the perspective of legal guardian, not "overprotective" brother. Additionally, if it's not absolutely necessary for you to go on this trip, maybe you could rethink how wise it is to go away at this time. I understand how everyone needs a break, but, right now your sister needs a parent, which is you for the time being. I really commend you, by the way for stepping up to the plate like you have. Good luck. Lisa |
14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
"Daniel" wrote in message ... I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere. Sorry if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on. snip Wow. This hits me damn close to home. Reading this, I honestly saw myself in a lot of it. To be completely honest, I can really say, "Been there, done that!" I was 15. I had a "boyfriend" who was 20, but had the mentality of a 13 year old, I see now. He was slow, stupid, had no ambition, no job, no home aside from living off his 18 year old brother, who was also trying to support their mother and a cousin of about the same age. I got into 'hanging' out with him, and his brother/cousin, and next thing I knew, I was 15 years old, pregnant, and even before they knew I was pregnant, I was already on bad terms with them. My grades in school dropped because I had just stopped going to school all together, just to go hang out at his trashy little apartment. I now see everything had broken my parents' (and family's) heart to have to go through it all, and all because of me. If what you say is really how everything is, I can GUARANTEE you that she's going to end up pregnant, and where do you think Mr. Wonderful will be? He'll move on. If he shows such little respect for his own parents, and your sister right now, when the **** hits the fan, he'll be gone faster than a fart in the wind. This child, and yes, she is still a child, needs to know that you do love her. She needs to be shown that you love her and care for her and don't want to hurt her. You need to enforce rules and yes, structure. This is YOUR house that she is living in. YOU make the rules. You are not her father, and you aren't expected to be, but you just might be the best male role model she's ever had and maybe ever will have. You have taken on the parenting roll of your sister, and for that, I'd give you a pat on the back and my best wishes because I know it's hard. You need to be cutting that Internet, or putting limits on it. There's many, MANY programs for all platforms and computers that will allow you to lock up your computer, and putting a password on your screen saver is useless because a quick reboot will disable that. Lock unauthorized users out of your system because it's your computer, your Internet, your power, your home, YOUR RULES. Limit her time on the telephone, and monitor her calls if you can. Sit beside her in the same room and read a book while she's on the phone if you must, but don't make it obvious that you're actually 'watching' her, if you can. She'll give you looks of death the whole time, but looks can't kill. Set concrete rules, and let all rules have consequences, both 'good' and 'bad.' If she doesn't want to live by your rules, then that's too bad for her. Here, the age of consent is 14. I believe there's also x amount of years difference for minors, but I'm not 100% sure. Does she pay rent? Bills? Maybe she can get a job to fill some time, although I know that's an impossible thought. I honestly don't know what to suggest because I was on her side at that age, not yours. Send her to me for a month and she can find out what the reality is of being a single, teen parent, and having 2 babies long before her 18th birthday. There's a lot you can use to fill up her time, like said before, sports teams, music lessons, teen church groups, rehab, since that's something she just might need, and if not right now, almost definitely in the near future if she keeps being so wild and a danger to herself, mainly, and those who actually do love her and care for her, and really, this little boyfriend of hers does not appear to actually care for her. I don't know. If anyone wants to flame, flame away. I've been through the EXACT same thing, as the wild teen, so I can definitely relate on a very high level, but as far as suggestions go, I'm all out of them. How about the time you are going to be away (although I'm not sure why you'd go away, unless, of course, it is absolutely necessary) you can ship her off to me and she can have a small taste of what could be reality. lol (j/k) -- A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text. Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing? A: Top-posting. Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet? |
14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
"Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message ... far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police (he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words & phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence) go to someone higher up, through the chain and do not take no for an answer. It does not sound like this boy is a good influence on her. I would stay on her like smell on poop! V |
14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
I agree with most everything everyone said. But one thing to understand is
that her behavior is not that unusual for a girl of that age in that situation. Without a father in their lives, girls of that age will latch onto the first 'father figure' that shows them any attention, and will use sex to keep the attention. Best of luck in trying to straighten the situation out. If it were me, I'd buy a large baseball bat and let a certian 19 y.o. I was not afraid to use it on a few delicate body parts. :-) "Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message ... I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere. Sorry if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on. This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister (I'm 24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of drugs). Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I didn't want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer 2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around, make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that she talks to. Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A & B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on anything related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I & her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk of a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see. He used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule). I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on (but she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana so far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police (he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words & phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence) & since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting it sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though I'm her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also his parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care (I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about it). I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend", though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me to let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely forced into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know better). I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back) is if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME (remember, the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her & what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area). -- There are 10 types of people in this world... ...those who understand binary & those who dont. |
14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
THis is a tricky subject for sure...
I think a good test you could try is this. Since you are already above being honest by using spyware etc, why not invite the guy over, or call him, or Message/Email him, and honestly try to convince him that she tested positive for pregnancy. See what this guy is really made of. Even start a rumour that she is pregnant in town. This if anything will make the guy think twice.. maybe even scare him. You could tell him that you know her very well and she has put holes in condomes of previous boyfriends to get pregnant so she can have someone to love her. That should scare him but good! So much so that he might even have problems getting it up! (Sarcasm aside)... Also, why not tell the truth to your sister. You are all worried about her lying to you, yet you are lying to her about surveilence. Tell her that you have have this software installed as it is an invasion of her privacy for you not to. I know you are going to be upset, but please take five seconds to breath, then read the next line. What would you feel like if you found out someone was using a surveilence software on you without first notifying you? I do not support predators etc, and as someone said, including the police, she is initiating most of this, so instead of being adversarial, why not instead, try to talk nicely to her about it. Why not try to find out why she likes this guy, How did they meet? Are they in school together? He could be an adult student returning to highschool or something like that, but I am just saying that maybe with a different approach of kindness rather than lying, deciept and control, you can maybe just be kind of cool with her instead, and ask for forgivness if you have been dominating her, and just chat with her as a sibling. Maybe inform her of the ramifications that can legally happen to you, and even emotionally why you are concerned. She is your little sister and you love her. Tell her that. Let her know, that you are honestly worried, get a video, a real video not a movie, from an adoption agency which kids who have had kids talk about having to give up her kid for adoption. There are so many ways to do it aside from devieving her. At her age, she is going to do what ever she wants. This is only natural. You can not stop her from it all the time, so by providing her with some education, and friendship instead of heavy handedness, you can hopefully also maybe improve your own relationship with your sister, who is your sister for life. So hopefully you can work something out. My final suggestion, and a very serious one, is to print this email, or select portions of it if you prefer to keep the surveilence software part hidden from her (I don't condone that) and cut and paste a letter as If you were asking for advice and you got it, then accidentally leave it in her bathroom or on the table or in the living room. Let her see you are worreid about her and actively asking for help. In your letter, write how much you love her and are worried about her so she can see it on her own terms, without her having to worry about saving face... or you know what I mean.. John Dunn |
14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
"Tiffany" wrote in message
... Daniel daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message ... I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere. Sorry if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on. This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister (I'm 24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of drugs). Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I didn't want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer 2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around, make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that she talks to. Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A & B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on anything related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I & her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk of a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see. He used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule). I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on (but she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana so far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police (he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words & phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence) & since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting it sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though I'm her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also his parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care (I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about it). I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend", though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me to let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely forced into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know better). I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back) is if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME (remember, the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her & what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area). -- There are 10 types of people in this world... ...those who understand binary & those who dont. Wow.... That is commendable that you are taking care of your sister. I am going to leave the issues about getting evidence against the boyfriend to others who may have dealt with the police in something like this. I will suggest that its likely even if you do get this boyfriend put away, there will just be another one to fill his void. This 14 year old has many issues going on. Abuse? Neglect? A father that doesn't care, ect. She is only 14 but it sounds as though she has WAY to much freedom. Kids will do bad things if they have to much free time. I image you are working, as most of us have to do and that it makes it hard for you to be with her all the time. First, she needs to be seeing someone professional. She is drinking, doing drugs and I hate to say this, I would bet it all she is having sex. Second, get her involved in some positive activities. Sports, community stuff, anything that is around there. Third, I know we are need a break but you are leaving for spring break when you know that she is going to go wild. You took the parent role, its a full time job. She has had activities in school...she dropped them for him & wont pick up more. Cancling this trip isn't an option at this point so thats why I've taken the proper precautions there & she will be watched very closely (beleive it or not, I HAVE done ALLOT before posting here...this wasn't my first attempt to get help). Dont take this as a flame any more than your last sentence was a flame. |
14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
'Kate wrote in message ...
On Thu, 11 Mar 2004 07:46:46 -0600, "Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere. Sorry if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on. This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister (I'm 24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of drugs). Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I didn't want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer 2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around, make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that she talks to. Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A & B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on anything related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I & her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk of a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see. He used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule). I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on (but she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana so far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police (he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words & phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence) & since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting it sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though I'm her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also his parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care (I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about it). I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend", though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me to let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely forced into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know better). I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back) is if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME (remember, the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her & what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area). You can do both video surveillance and phone tapping in your own home. Thanks...though I've figured this...Any ideas on (cheap but working) options? They call you overprotective because of what? They are enabling a 19 year old to seduce a 14 year old. That is not support. Your family needs support but the other adults, parent's friends, etc... are not the right kind of support. Your sister needs structure and self-control. Set concrete rules and stick to them. If she doesn't abide by them, start taking privileges away. Pull out the phone. Disconnect the internet. This is your home. She is 14. She does not make the rules. Waiting for something to happen is being defensive and you need an offense. If you don't, you can start planning the nursery now 'cause she will be pregnant within a year. You'll be lucky if she's only pregnant and not also fighting an addiction. The only reason I've not done this yet is so that I can have some way to keep watch over what is going on...I've had her phone suspended at times which forces her into typing (into a log). The problem is that the one being controlled actually has the ultimate controll...they can always decide to go against you, no matter how the consiquences are (even someone being held at gunpoint has the choice to die)...& if they just dont care (she doesnt) then how do you handle that one? |
14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend
"Lisa" wrote in message
.. . "Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message ... I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere. Sorry if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on. This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister (I'm 24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of drugs). Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I didn't want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer 2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around, make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that she talks to. Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A & B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on anything related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I & her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk of a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see. He used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule). I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on (but she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana so far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police (he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words & phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence) & since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting it sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though I'm her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also his parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care (I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about it). I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend", though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me to let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely forced into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know better). I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back) is if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME (remember, the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her & what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area). -- There are 10 types of people in this world... ...those who understand binary & those who dont. Holy crap. I have to wonder what's with this 19 yr old that he would be interested in a 14 yr old girl?? Talk about a predator. I see that you have tried a number of ways to confront this, without mention of the obvious. Have you had discussions with this guy letting him know that you do not want him seeing your sister? That it's totally inappropriate? She's just a kid? A discussion, that is clearly being held from the perspective of legal guardian, not "overprotective" brother. Exactly...(Though seems how when you ask for assistance after trying many things, many people assume you've done nothing & come running for help first.) Additionally, if it's not absolutely necessary for you to go on this trip, maybe you could rethink how wise it is to go away at this time. I understand how everyone needs a break, but, right now your sister needs a parent, which is you for the time being. I do have to go...so I did think things out & have taken the proper precautions...for example, calling at random to the parent's phone lines (you know there are public databases to look up area code & prefix to see the provider...so I know if its a cell phone or not), plus having my girlfriend's sister check in on her at random too. She IS being watched...I fully expect her to try a few things. I really commend you, by the way for stepping up to the plate like you have. Good luck. Its either me or a shelter which she'd run from & not get any education even if she was in it. There is ABSOLUTELY NO ROOM for kids her age in the foster care system here...thats the reason they jumped at the chance to give her to me. Took them less than 24 hrs to finalize. Lisa |
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