Daughter out of control (long response)
 

"Bizby38" wrote in message . net...


Bizby,


I've followed your responses to several posters before I felt it was
time to respond. First, RUN as fast as you can to your nearest
bookstore and purchase a copy of "Your Explosive Child" by Dr Ross
Greene. Don't take it out of the library...you'll want it by your bed
to read and reread over and over.

Dr Greene has a theory that there is a kind of personality he calls
'explosive/inflexible'. Some of the kids that fall into this catagory
have ADHD, some do not. Some have a diagnosis of ODD (Oppositional and
Defiant Disorder), others do not. Some have Tourettes, some are PDD,
some have Aspergers, but plenty of these kids have no diagnosis
whatsover. They're just explosive and inflexible.

I have a son that definately fits into this type of personality. Like
your child, he is very quick to anger, gets annoyed easily, and does
not self calm well. He is absolutely unable to take unexpected changes
(like a plastic straw when he had his heart set on a regular straw)
without some real issues. He also has a very explosive temper and has
damaged a lot of stuff, putting his hand through windows, kicking
holes in doors and walls, etc. He's broken every lamp I own.

This is a good kid, who has no problems maintaining a very good
average in school, has a TON of friends (see my thread on
misc.kids.moderated about that!), is very well liked...but he's got
some real issues.

Like you, I was fairly resistant to a 'diagnosis' and didn't really
want to begin the counseling carousel, but when my son was 7 he was so
depressed he became suicidal and I had no choice. His depression was
over school issues, and it took a couple of years to resolve them. But
he was diagnosed with *severe* ADHD during this time period, and
various medications either exacerbated his explosive/inflexible
behaviour, or gave him tics. We finally found the right meds about 2
years ago, and we've now been working on his behaviour.

The book was recommended to me by his psychopharmacologist after a
series of extremely explosive behaviour this past winter. I had bought
the book a full 3 years earlier but couldn't make myself read it. The
first few pages are very hard, because they hit home so severely that
I couldn't deny that I had one of these rare kids. And, reading some
of the parent statements regarding their kids pre-treatment was very
very painful (but familiar).

I did finally read the book and it was light a lightbulb went off in
my head. Aha! THIS is what we're dealing with. Not bi-polar, not
depression, not borderline personality.... inflexible/explosive
behaviour. I can deal with that!

Dr Greene outlines a plan that, when followed, helps tremendously.
Warning: IT IS NOT EASY TO FOLLOW! It goes against pretty much every
parenting technique you've read of or heard about. It says to let your
kids curse you out. That is hard, but it's a real pick your battles
thing, and the ONLY things you want to oppose your child on are things
that cause danger to him/her, like fire. Once you get the basics down,
you move on to more issues to confront. Eventually you learn not to
fight every battle at the same time your child is learning that you're
not the enemy and that you'll bend more than you had in the past.

You have to read the book. I can't explain it all here, but I swear on
my father's grave, it works!

here is an interview with Dr Greene. It is sponsored by parents of
Bipolar kids, but as I said, that's fairly irrelevant to the message
at large.

http://www.bpkids.org/learning/refer...rviews/001.htm

Here is Dr Greene's web site.

http://www.explosivechild.com

Good luck, and if you want to discuss this privately, please feel free
to email me. I've purposely kept this response vague for obvious
reasons.

Marjorie

Daughter out of control (long response)
 

chiam margalit wrote:


I've followed your responses to several posters before I felt it was
time to respond. First, RUN as fast as you can to your nearest
bookstore and purchase a copy of "Your Explosive Child" by Dr Ross
Greene. Don't take it out of the library...you'll want it by your bed
to read and reread over and over.

Dr Greene has a theory that there is a kind of personality he calls
'explosive/inflexible'. Some of the kids that fall into this catagory
have ADHD, some do not. Some have a diagnosis of ODD (Oppositional and
Defiant Disorder), others do not. Some have Tourettes, some are PDD,
some have Aspergers, but plenty of these kids have no diagnosis
whatsover. They're just explosive and inflexible.


I think this is good advice for children who fall
into this category. On the other hand, I think there are
kids who can end up the way the OP describes who are
perfectly "normal" (for lack of a better word). I think
it's very important to distinguish between the two
situations. If you have a kid who's wired differently,
I think it's essential to take an approach that accommodates
his or her situation. To do anything else is unlikely
to be successful and is much akin to banging one's head
against a brick wall. On the other hand, taking these
approaches with a kid who's perfectly normal but has
just learned to behave in certain unacceptable ways
is *not* likely to be successful and will likely
exacerbate the situation. I think parents tend to know
in their guts which situation they're dealing with.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Daughter out of control (long response)
 

"chiam margalit" wrote in message
om...
I've followed your responses to several posters before I felt it was
time to respond. First, RUN as fast as you can to your nearest
bookstore and purchase a copy of "Your Explosive Child" by Dr Ross
Greene. Don't take it out of the library...you'll want it by your bed
to read and reread over and over.

Thank you for the thoughtful post. I'll see if I can check this out of
the library, and if it strikes a chord I'll order a copy of my own.

Bizby

Daughter out of control (long response)
 

Thanks for the book advice - our middle kid is like that. He has a
high functioning form of autism - he has a non-verbal learning
disability and doesn't quite slot into Aspberger's. Anyway, we've
always joked that he is like a human roman candle. He has very, very
specific ideas about how the world should be, and his likes and
dislikes. He wants to control the uncontrollable, and has a hair
trigger temper - he'll even have a fit about the weather, like he
thinks we can do anything about it.

He's always been like that, even as a little guy - the smallest thing
would make him go right off the deep end. He hates change, and he
thrives on routine and predictability - hard to maintain when you have
a household with three kids and two working parents. He also has a lot
of sensory issues and is really bothered by smells, textures, tastes,
sounds etc. He is driven to distraction by the feel of clothing
(collars and zippers or anything scratchy is guaranteed to send him
into orbit for hours).He's 9 1/2 now, and his self control is still
not great, and yes, it has caused a lot of problems for him socially
and at school - he reacts first from the gut and thinks about it
later. It certainly has made for challenges at home because you never
know when milk in the blue cup instead of the red cup is going to
cause a meltdown.

We've been to the shrink and he does have that oppositional-defiant
thing going on - mostly a product of the way his noggin is wired.

He's very bright, and we do pick our battles since otherwise the
entire day would be one big negative war. We hope with maturity, he
will come to be able to control himself. He'll always feel what he
feels, but my hope is he will be able to keep a lid on the impulsive
behaviours i.e. its okay not to like something or be disappointed, but
its not okay to throw yourself on the floor and shriek, or hurl toys
across the room, or whack someone.

Mary G.