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-   -   need advice about talking. I'm new here. (http://www.parentingbanter.com/showthread.php?t=29183)

electroscopillan April 2nd 05 07:17 AM

need advice about talking. I'm new here.
 
I'm a younger single dad (27), whose recently acquired sole custody of my
beautiful 19m.o. son. (he has been in my care for past 7 months). His
mother has essentially abandoned any attempt at contact with him or I, since
I got court order custody. What led to court: she had attempted to take
flight with him, and was providing a very squalid and unstable environment
for him, financially and emotionally - and was downright negligent. She
didn't even make an appearance for the court hearings that took place, even
though she was well-notified, (and she is actually *bitter* toward me about
the final outcome). The last time my son saw his mother was in the first
week of February.

Anyway, just thought I'd give a bit of background to my position, but the
main reason for my post is this: my son's reached a point where he can say
the words for many things, (he started talking when he was 14 mo), but he
seems stubbornly rooted in grunting and babbling at most things just
lately - it's as if he's lapsed backward. I'm just wondering how normal
this is, and what to do/expect? I find it kinda frustrating to deal with
him, when I
know that he knows the word for something (as he's said it in the past), but
refuses/forgets-how to say it. I'll make games of it, play with him,
attempting to get the proper response.. ..but he'll just kinda grunt or
babble something that doesn't sound like the word at all. I'm just a little
concerned.

The thing is, I know that he's talking at his daycare, as the workers there
tell me all about how talkative he is, how many words he seems to know..
...and I don't hear much of it.

Anyone experienced out there with anything similar? I'm wondering if he's
holding on to the helpless baby phase with me, as it gets him a certain type
of attention? I just don't get it.. ..it doesn't seem intentional at
all - he appears genuine in his confusion.

Ty




Sidheag McCormack April 2nd 05 04:04 PM

My son is a little younger, and doesn't have many words yet at all, but I
gather that this kind of thing is really common when children are under any
kind of stress, as your son certainly is, however much you've been able to
protect him. More generally, any kind of fairly recent development can be
temporarily lost, either in particular contexts or altogether. The stress
can even just be an advance in some other area. The advice I've read, which
makes sense to me, is basically: don't worry about it per se, though
obviously see whether there's anything you can do to alleviate any stress;
don't pester the child to do things s/he isn't doing; the inability to do
them in the affected contexts is genuine, even if psychologically caused;
read it as an "I need to be looked after, I'm not ready to grow up any more
right now" signal. He'll get back to normal all the faster if you give him
all the reassurance he needs that you'll take care of him and that you
aren't expecting more of him than he's ready to provide.

You're obviously in a difficult situation, I hope you're getting adequate
support from friends IRL as well as online. Good luck,

Sidheag
DS Colin Oct 27 2003


electroscopillan April 2nd 05 05:19 PM

Thankyou for the clearheaded advice.

I realize that, yes, there's been a high level of anxiety on most fronts as
of late - and admit that I may have been focussing too much on this being a
problem. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone.. ..and
everything has been very difficult for me, and him, me with classes and
work, and juggling his daycare and organizing the legal administrative
beurocratic mess his mother left in her wake.

I do get some support from friends.. ..but it is mostly that kind of support
that isn't *active* support. My father is generally non-helpful as a
grandfather (he lives a mainly dysfunctional lifestyle) and my mother passed
away when I was 18. My older brother takes my son about 1 weekend day a
week, and my son's grandmother (mother's mother - a long story. My son has
an older half-brother who is in her care) takes him very occasionally. The
rest is up to me.

So, no, I'm not always dealing well.. ..and that's why I came here.. ..and I
thankyou for your feedback, as I needed to hear it, and as it's contributed
to making me feel a little more like a person again, and less like a
daddy/student/work machine.



"Sidheag McCormack" wrote in message
...
My son is a little younger, and doesn't have many words yet at all, but I
gather that this kind of thing is really common when children are under

any
kind of stress, as your son certainly is, however much you've been able to
protect him. More generally, any kind of fairly recent development can be
temporarily lost, either in particular contexts or altogether. The stress
can even just be an advance in some other area. The advice I've read,

which
makes sense to me, is basically: don't worry about it per se, though
obviously see whether there's anything you can do to alleviate any stress;
don't pester the child to do things s/he isn't doing; the inability to do
them in the affected contexts is genuine, even if psychologically caused;
read it as an "I need to be looked after, I'm not ready to grow up any

more
right now" signal. He'll get back to normal all the faster if you give him
all the reassurance he needs that you'll take care of him and that you
aren't expecting more of him than he's ready to provide.

You're obviously in a difficult situation, I hope you're getting adequate
support from friends IRL as well as online. Good luck,

Sidheag
DS Colin Oct 27 2003




Beth Kevles April 3rd 05 05:41 AM


Hi --

As a single dad, you could probably make good use of a support group
where you live, maybe one composed largely of single parents, maybe
not. If you let us know what city you live in, maybe we could help you
connect with a suitable group.

In any case ... at this age, ALWAYS be supportive of your child.
Appreciate every neat thing he does, new or otherwise. Always tell him
he's doing a "good job", and hug him and smile a lot and ***talk to him
a lot*** even if his answers don't make sense. (I used to keep up a
running commentary on how hot the water was for his bath, and look at
how messy his diaper was, and here are the wipes... I just did
*everything* aloud.)

19 months is still an exploratory stage, with lots of learning and
development, and different areas of learning way out of synch with each
other. Next comes the testing stage (also known as the "terrible twos"
where he'll do stuff just to see what the reaction is. Be firm, be
consistent, and with luck the two of you will get through the next stage
intact :-)

Enjoy!
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.


electroscopillan April 4th 05 02:05 AM


"Beth Kevles" wrote:

As a single dad, you could probably make good use of a support group
where you live, maybe one composed largely of single parents, maybe
not. If you let us know what city you live in, maybe we could help you
connect with a suitable group.


I probably could use some support. Part of the reason I came here. I live
in Saskatoon, SK (Canada) - where resources for single parents appears more
directed to the female gender - women's safe-houses and what-not. I haven't
really actively sought anything out yet tho...

In any case ... at this age, ALWAYS be supportive of your child.
Appreciate every neat thing he does, new or otherwise. Always tell him
he's doing a "good job", and hug him and smile a lot and ***talk to him
a lot*** even if his answers don't make sense. (I used to keep up a
running commentary on how hot the water was for his bath, and look at
how messy his diaper was, and here are the wipes... I just did
*everything* aloud.)


DS gets tons of hugs and is full of smiles and laughter - really, I'm
blessed with a *very* good-natured child. I sometimes wonder if I lavish it
on a little thick - is it self-indulgent to give/get so many hugs? His
daycare provider tells me how affectionate he is - how nice it is to come to
work and get so many hugs and smiles.

I've always done the same with the running commentary.. ..I guess my
worrying was more to do with *me* than with him.

Next comes the testing stage (also known as the "terrible twos"
where he'll do stuff just to see what the reaction is. Be firm, be
consistent, and with luck the two of you will get through the next stage
intact :-)


yes, I can't wait.. ;-)

Thanks.. ..I was meaning to write more.. ..but am being kept pretty busy
currently. =)



Scott April 4th 05 02:06 AM

electroscopillan wrote:


Anyone experienced out there with anything similar? I'm wondering if he's
holding on to the helpless baby phase with me, as it gets him a certain type
of attention? I just don't get it.. ..it doesn't seem intentional at
all - he appears genuine in his confusion.


Try not to give him attention for his confusion, but just
accept how he is matter-of-factly. One thing I do recall
from way back then: progress is in leaps, then plateaus,
then leaps. It can get frustrating waiting on a plateau
for the next leap!

Scott DD 11 and DS 9


Kevin Karplus April 4th 05 05:26 PM

On 2005-04-04, electroscopillan wrote:
DS gets tons of hugs and is full of smiles and laughter - really, I'm
blessed with a *very* good-natured child. I sometimes wonder if I lavish it
on a little thick - is it self-indulgent to give/get so many hugs? His
daycare provider tells me how affectionate he is - how nice it is to come to
work and get so many hugs and smiles.


I don't think you *can* give too many hugs to a child who likes them.
When he gets older he may think it uncool to be hugged, so both of you
should enjoy the hugs as long as you can.

------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
Professor of Biomolecular Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
(Senior member, IEEE) (Board of Directors, ISCB)
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Affiliations for identification only.


Jeff April 4th 05 06:37 PM

There is a lot of stuff that happened in your life. While you are dealing
with that it is sometimes hard to take care of a son, even when you love him
very much, as you do.

I very much like the idea of support groups.

If you are a member of a church or synague, you might also be able to join a
support group there.

I think this is just the kid's reaction to everything that is going on. You
might want to talk with the child's doctor about this. She might set you up
with some counseling and supports groups and other support, if needed.

Jeff


electroscopillan April 5th 05 04:23 AM


"Jeff" wrote

You
might want to talk with the child's doctor about this. She might set you

up
with some counseling and supports groups and other support, if needed.

Jeff


Yes, that is a good idea.. .thankyou. I'm so busy on so many fronts right
now it's hard to think of where to start sometimes. I'm in University, and
finals are a-comin'. Need to line up work for after my student loan runs
out.

I Still haven't heard from my son's mother since after the court hearing. I
wonder that something hasn't happened to her (she suffered depression, among
other things). It's not like her to abandon all effort to see her son - or
ask about his well-being.




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