Friendship problem for my 9 year old
Hello all,
Hope you all can come up with some good advice on this one. My 9 year old has had a friendship with a troubled girl since Kindergarten. This little girl's family is a mess and has now reached a pivotal point for me. In kindergarten, my child and this friend became close, and it was a deceit friendship. As time rolled on I noticed a change in my daughter. She was very confident in herself, then not so much. When I talked with her about it she told me of this little girl and how she would play with my daughter then on-a-dime change tactics and tell her she was not her friend anymore. It was a typical *kids are mean* scenario. When I met her mom on occasion during drop offs, etc., she started to tell me of her problems, not the girl's, but her own. She was a recovering drug addicted/alcohol abuser. She had done some crazy things in her life, before and after having her kids. The husband was in and out of the picture, with the same problems, and had done a lot of jail time. I didn't want to dissolve the friendship between the girls and was hoping the mom would stay recovered and things would be fine. During this time I would have the little girl over every now and then and it always ended up in fights. I started getting calls from her mom if I could pick-up her daughter and bring her home, or she was having a bad day and could her 2 daughters stay over, because she needed a break. And a few times asked for money. The mom did not stay recovered and you could see the results in her daughter. She would become very mean toward my daughter on occasion. My response was for my daughter to walk away during these times and to make some new friends to play with when this happened. By the end second grade my daughter was a mess with the taunts and name calling this girl was giving her. I said it was time to cut ties for awhile. Third grade, which I think is a hard year, my daughter has turned some corners, made some good friends, and gained some confidence back. Of course, she gets mean looks and confrontations every once in awhile from this little girl, but she took the high road, and I am proud of her. The last few weeks, this little girl has tried to become friends again with my daughter. My daughter is very wary of doing this. And sure enough the, *You are a brat, you are bossy, don't be a know-it-all, why do you like HER, etc.* has started again. So once again I told my daughter, it is just not a good relationship, to be polite, but back off and hang around her other friends. I received a call yesterday, from little girls mom, telling me my daughter had said she was not allowed to play with her daughter anymore. I told her that I felt they were just not seeing eye to eye on things and needed another break. She said she understood and had told her daughter it didn't mean they would not see each other over the summer or talk on the phone. Then, the big news. She told me her daughter really needed my daughter's friendship right now because a couple months ago, her husband, on drugs, came over, while the little girl was there, and attacked her (the mom). She said he had a knife, stabbed her, slashed her neck, threw her around, while she screamed for the little girl to call 911. I was horrified and felt so bad for her. But, as a mom, a kept focusing on her 2 girls and asking if they were getting the therapy they needed. She kept blowing that off and talking about herself and how horrible it was for her. I agree but I was really focused on the little girl who saw all of this happening. I couldn't even figure out if the mom had even tried to get counseling for the girls. So, here I am. I really, really don't want to get involved anymore in this. My heart goes out to her and her children, but I really don't want to deal with this. When the calls come this summer for play dates, etc. should I keep up with the excuses or get a back-bone and just tell her when she gets her life back on track and help for her girls to then give me a call? Hope some of you stayed with me. I know I wrote a lot. Just trying to give you the big picture. Thanks, Vickie |
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
Vickie wrote:
Hello all, Hope you all can come up with some good advice on this one. My 9 year old has had a friendship with a troubled girl since Kindergarten. This little girl's family is a mess and has now reached a pivotal point for me. In kindergarten, my child and this friend became close, and it was a deceit friendship. As time rolled on I noticed a change in my daughter. She was very confident in herself, then not so much. When I talked with her about it she told me of this little girl and how she would play with my daughter then on-a-dime change tactics and tell her she was not her friend anymore. It was a typical *kids are mean* scenario. When I met her mom on occasion during drop offs, etc., she started to tell me of her problems, not the girl's, but her own. She was a recovering drug addicted/alcohol abuser. She had done some crazy things in her life, before and after having her kids. The husband was in and out of the picture, with the same problems, and had done a lot of jail time. I didn't want to dissolve the friendship between the girls and was hoping the mom would stay recovered and things would be fine. During this time I would have the little girl over every now and then and it always ended up in fights. I started getting calls from her mom if I could pick-up her daughter and bring her home, or she was having a bad day and could her 2 daughters stay over, because she needed a break. And a few times asked for money. The mom did not stay recovered and you could see the results in her daughter. She would become very mean toward my daughter on occasion. My response was for my daughter to walk away during these times and to make some new friends to play with when this happened. By the end second grade my daughter was a mess with the taunts and name calling this girl was giving her. I said it was time to cut ties for awhile. Third grade, which I think is a hard year, my daughter has turned some corners, made some good friends, and gained some confidence back. Of course, she gets mean looks and confrontations every once in awhile from this little girl, but she took the high road, and I am proud of her. The last few weeks, this little girl has tried to become friends again with my daughter. My daughter is very wary of doing this. And sure enough the, *You are a brat, you are bossy, don't be a know-it-all, why do you like HER, etc.* has started again. So once again I told my daughter, it is just not a good relationship, to be polite, but back off and hang around her other friends. I received a call yesterday, from little girls mom, telling me my daughter had said she was not allowed to play with her daughter anymore. I told her that I felt they were just not seeing eye to eye on things and needed another break. She said she understood and had told her daughter it didn't mean they would not see each other over the summer or talk on the phone. Then, the big news. She told me her daughter really needed my daughter's friendship right now because a couple months ago, her husband, on drugs, came over, while the little girl was there, and attacked her (the mom). She said he had a knife, stabbed her, slashed her neck, threw her around, while she screamed for the little girl to call 911. I was horrified and felt so bad for her. But, as a mom, a kept focusing on her 2 girls and asking if they were getting the therapy they needed. She kept blowing that off and talking about herself and how horrible it was for her. I agree but I was really focused on the little girl who saw all of this happening. I couldn't even figure out if the mom had even tried to get counseling for the girls. So, here I am. I really, really don't want to get involved anymore in this. My heart goes out to her and her children, but I really don't want to deal with this. When the calls come this summer for play dates, etc. should I keep up with the excuses or get a back-bone and just tell her when she gets her life back on track and help for her girls to then give me a call? Hope some of you stayed with me. I know I wrote a lot. Just trying to give you the big picture. Thanks, Vickie I think what is going on here is that the girl is testing your daughter. She is scared that your daughter will back away or stop acting like her friend. Considering all the stuff she has had to put up with, I don't blame her. So, basically, she is acting normally for 9-year old girl who has had a lot of relationship problems with her mom, her dad and kids at school. You would too if you had all the issues she does. It's not your job or your daughter's job to provide counseling for another person's daughter. That is essentially what she is asking you to do. Part of me is saying that the girl will be in big trouble if someone doesn't step in and help her. Obviously, the mother is not doing it. You might be the only one who will be able to help. Part of me is saying that if you get more involved, you'll only set up yourself and your daughter for more heartache. And you probably won't make a difference. I think I would make a two-part plan. I would call child protective services or what state or local agency protects kids, and fill them in. They may be able to step in and help. It's their job, not yours. Whatever, happens, end of part 1. And I would get a backbone and say that you're not going to let girl see your daughter until the girl and her sister (and maybe the mother, too) get into counseling. If that happens, I would be expecting a lot of acting out when she gets to your home. She is going to test her welcome very much. However, once she knows that she is truly welcome, she may stop acting out so much and have much better behavior. Whether you want to cave in and the girl see your daughter if she doesn't get counseling is up to you to decide later. These are just my thoughts. Jeff |
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
I have to agree with Jeff. There's very little you really can do.
You might want to also talk to the childrens teacher and see what advice s/he has to offer, and maybe the teacher can then either talk to the mother and suggest to her she get help or call the child protection services or whatever they're called where you are. If I was you I'd be very careful to not upset that family even further, the husband is clearly violent and personally I would be scared that he might come to my house if I seemed responsible if some government agency stepped in. I agree that the girl does seem to be testing your daughters friendship, but that doesn't help you or your child, and as Jeff said, it's not your job to provide councelling. take care nicole |
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
On Jun 1, 10:24 am, Jeff wrote:
I think what is going on here is that the girl is testing your daughter. She is scared that your daughter will back away or stop acting like her friend. Considering all the stuff she has had to put up with, I don't blame her. So, basically, she is acting normally for 9-year old girl who has had a lot of relationship problems with her mom, her dad and kids at school. You would too if you had all the issues she does. It's not your job or your daughter's job to provide counseling for another person's daughter. That is essentially what she is asking you to do. Part of me is saying that the girl will be in big trouble if someone doesn't step in and help her. Obviously, the mother is not doing it. You might be the only one who will be able to help. Part of me is saying that if you get more involved, you'll only set up yourself and your daughter for more heartache. And you probably won't make a difference. I think I would make a two-part plan. I would call child protective services or what state or local agency protects kids, and fill them in. They may be able to step in and help. It's their job, not yours. Whatever, happens, end of part 1. And I would get a backbone and say that you're not going to let girl see your daughter until the girl and her sister (and maybe the mother, too) get into counseling. If that happens, I would be expecting a lot of acting out when she gets to your home. She is going to test her welcome very much. However, once she knows that she is truly welcome, she may stop acting out so much and have much better behavior. Whether you want to cave in and the girl see your daughter if she doesn't get counseling is up to you to decide later. These are just my thoughts. Jeff- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - I appreciate your thoughts. Gosh, calling child protective services. I don't know. I almost want to just pay myself for the girl to go to a therapist, but I don't think I am strong enough to handle a whole set of someone else's problems along with my own family dynamic. You really think calling would be ok? I really don't think the mom has the mind or money to help her children. She has told me she is on a waiting list to get counseling, but it was only in regards to her, not the kids. I agree with you about what the little girl is projecting, which is why I tried to hang in as long as I could. It was when it started to effect my own daughter, who has some issues of her own, that I couldn't deal anymore. Do you have experience with this service? Vickie |
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
On Jun 1, 10:38 am, NL wrote:
I have to agree with Jeff. There's very little you really can do. You might want to also talk to the childrens teacher and see what advice s/he has to offer, and maybe the teacher can then either talk to the mother and suggest to her she get help or call the child protection services or whatever they're called where you are. If I was you I'd be very careful to not upset that family even further, the husband is clearly violent and personally I would be scared that he might come to my house if I seemed responsible if some government agency stepped in. I agree that the girl does seem to be testing your daughters friendship, but that doesn't help you or your child, and as Jeff said, it's not your job to provide councelling. take care nicole I think the husband is going to prison for a few years. School is almost out. Don't know if I want to burden her teacher with this. Thanks for your reply. And I will keep telling myself, ultimately this is not my responsibility......right? Vickie |
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
Vickie wrote:
On Jun 1, 10:38 am, NL wrote: I have to agree with Jeff. There's very little you really can do. You might want to also talk to the childrens teacher and see what advice s/he has to offer, and maybe the teacher can then either talk to the mother and suggest to her she get help or call the child protection services or whatever they're called where you are. If I was you I'd be very careful to not upset that family even further, the husband is clearly violent and personally I would be scared that he might come to my house if I seemed responsible if some government agency stepped in. I agree that the girl does seem to be testing your daughters friendship, but that doesn't help you or your child, and as Jeff said, it's not your job to provide councelling. take care nicole I think the husband is going to prison for a few years. School is almost out. Don't know if I want to burden her teacher with this. Thanks for your reply. And I will keep telling myself, ultimately this is not my responsibility......right? Vickie I thought it took a community to raise a child. You're part of the community, right? Ultimately, this is a very difficult problem, for your family and the other family. There are no right answers. Jeff |
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
"Vickie" wrote in message oups.com... On Jun 1, 10:24 am, Jeff wrote: I think what is going on here is that the girl is testing your daughter. She is scared that your daughter will back away or stop acting like her friend. Considering all the stuff she has had to put up with, I don't blame her. So, basically, she is acting normally for 9-year old girl who has had a lot of relationship problems with her mom, her dad and kids at school. You would too if you had all the issues she does. It's not your job or your daughter's job to provide counseling for another person's daughter. That is essentially what she is asking you to do. Part of me is saying that the girl will be in big trouble if someone doesn't step in and help her. Obviously, the mother is not doing it. You might be the only one who will be able to help. Part of me is saying that if you get more involved, you'll only set up yourself and your daughter for more heartache. And you probably won't make a difference. I think I would make a two-part plan. I would call child protective services or what state or local agency protects kids, and fill them in. They may be able to step in and help. It's their job, not yours. Whatever, happens, end of part 1. And I would get a backbone and say that you're not going to let girl see your daughter until the girl and her sister (and maybe the mother, too) get into counseling. If that happens, I would be expecting a lot of acting out when she gets to your home. She is going to test her welcome very much. However, once she knows that she is truly welcome, she may stop acting out so much and have much better behavior. Whether you want to cave in and the girl see your daughter if she doesn't get counseling is up to you to decide later. These are just my thoughts. Jeff- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - I appreciate your thoughts. Gosh, calling child protective services. I don't know. I almost want to just pay myself for the girl to go to a therapist, but I don't think I am strong enough to handle a whole set of someone else's problems along with my own family dynamic. Child Protective Services is, indeed, a very scary prospect. Very scary. That said... man knifes mom blood everywhere and 9yo has to phone 911. Someone *else* might do something. But then again, maybe they won't. Counseling over this one event is necessary, to be sure. I know calling CPS is hard. I have done it. As a child care provider, I am a mandatory reporter. I can share my experience in case it helps you to decide what you need to do. This is how it worked at my state. Don't know if yours is the same. They may take your name. They had to take my name, in my case. I don't know if that is always the case. They do NOT tell the other party who made the report. In my case, I fessed up. The Mom would have been able to figure it out anyway. So details of your story may give a clue to the Mom. They ask you what you heard, saw and whatnot. They do not ask you for your judgments. Very only the facts Maam. Very professional. You really think calling would be ok? Your only decision is to report or not report what you know. THEIR decision is whether or not children need intervention. That can be reassuring. In my opinion, reporting would be better than Ok. If knives are being placed into other human beings bodies in that household, then she is in imminent danger. What would happen, for instance, if she were to try to intervene with her Mom's assault next time? I really don't think the mom has the mind or money to help her children. She has told me she is on a waiting list to get counseling, but it was only in regards to her, not the kids. I agree with you about what the little girl is projecting, which is why I tried to hang in as long as I could. It was when it started to effect my own daughter, who has some issues of her own, that I couldn't deal anymore. Do you have experience with this service? Vickie Good luck, Vickie. This sounds truely awful. |
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
Vickie wrote:
I think the husband is going to prison for a few years. School is almost out. Don't know if I want to burden her teacher with this. I don't think it's burdening a teacher if you ask her/him for an appointment. And explain what's going on, and ask him/her for help in the situation. Chances are this isn't the first time something like that has happened in one of the teachers classes, so s/he might have experience and know a better answer than I/we on this NG do. Especially since the teacher also knows the child and her parent(s). Thanks for your reply. You're welcome. And I will keep telling myself, ultimately this is not my responsibility......right? Well, kind of sort of. It's not your responsibility to make it all right, and fix their family. But I think more people need to step in when extreme violence occurs. I know I wish someone had called the police when my ex beat me through the appartment. cu nicole |
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
In article . com, Vickie
says... So, here I am. I really, really don't want to get involved anymore in this. My heart goes out to her and her children, but I really don't want to deal with this. When the calls come this summer for play dates, etc. should I keep up with the excuses or get a back-bone and just tell her when she gets her life back on track and help for her girls to then give me a call? This is one entanglement that you need, for your daughter's sake, to completely eliminate from your life. Yes, it's sad about the two girls, but you help them (and you really *can't* help them except possibly by notifying authorities) only at the expense of your own child. Therefore, the answer should be obvious to you. I wouldn't leave the door open even a crack. Don't give her the "get her life back on track..." line, even. Say goodbye. Banty |
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
In article WzZ7i.19$My4.3@trndny05, Jeff says...
Vickie wrote: On Jun 1, 10:38 am, NL wrote: I have to agree with Jeff. There's very little you really can do. You might want to also talk to the childrens teacher and see what advice s/he has to offer, and maybe the teacher can then either talk to the mother and suggest to her she get help or call the child protection services or whatever they're called where you are. If I was you I'd be very careful to not upset that family even further, the husband is clearly violent and personally I would be scared that he might come to my house if I seemed responsible if some government agency stepped in. I agree that the girl does seem to be testing your daughters friendship, but that doesn't help you or your child, and as Jeff said, it's not your job to provide councelling. take care nicole I think the husband is going to prison for a few years. School is almost out. Don't know if I want to burden her teacher with this. Thanks for your reply. And I will keep telling myself, ultimately this is not my responsibility......right? Vickie I thought it took a community to raise a child. You're part of the community, right? Sure - but some things are messed up beyond one's ability to help. But most of all, some things are just poison. To the community. Story: We had a very troubled boy on our long-ish circle street. A family a few doors down from us decided they'd do the community thing and let this boy come around and play with their kids as no one else would play with him. The boy's family took a hands-off stance, and the father even showed some pride that his boy was a tough kid. Results: This boy, although older than most of the other kids (including the boys in this family), hung around in our area. Among other things, he would pick up things and swing them at the younger children, injuring them. Then there was the incident where he invited my immediate neighbor's older boy to perform fellatio. Nonetheless, the family down the block continued letting the boy come around to play with theirs to try to help. For two summers, several families, including mine, needed to make plans, every day, not to have our kids be outside playing. Which is really a shame, since we had bought houses in a family neighborhood in order to let kids play together like how we grew up. Why it didn't go to a third summer: This boy became acquainted with some older boys from another neighborhood, and he led them to rob the neighbor of the family in question. Told them when they would go on vacation; told them the location in the home of certain items. Then the family in question decided he was not suitable to be in their home, and that they could not help him. So finally, he stopped coming around and hanging out in our area. Why this is no longer a problem at all: This troubled boy, at age 19, committed suicide. How? By a head on collision about three miles from here with a family who was driving home from the hospital with their newborn baby. OK??? You understand now what kind of things people can be dealing with when they decide they're "part of a village" and get in over their heads? Maybe we're not dealing with a sociopath in this case, but Vickie's daughter has already needed to take some precious growing-up time getting over problems caused by this girl. Some things can't be helped, some things can only be helped by the right people (professionals!), some things can be helped only at great unrecoverable cost to one's own family. I think this is one of those cases. Or is likely enough to be, to make it advisable to stay detached from it. Banty (it takes a village to poison a village) |
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