Disagreement about third child
 

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter. My wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts not having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another. She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones we have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I try, but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you and take care.

ST

Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter. My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.
She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases. I think you have to have both
parents on board to choose to have a child, but it's really
tough to want a child desperately and have to give up that
dream because your partner doesn't want to have another.
Our third was conceived when our first two were about the
same ages yours are now, and it was great for us--but both
of us were on board with having a third.
I don't know that there's anything else for you
to do but talk to each other and try to understand where
each of you is coming from and look for some course of
action you can both live with. Unfortunately, there
isn't much available in the way of compromise--you'll
either have another child or you won't--so you just have
to work things out with as much love and respect as you
can, and hope it's enough.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter. My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.
She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Take your concerns seriously. Personal time, career time, hobbies,
finances, friendships, etc etc will be affected again. College is
a very worrisome issue.

If you're looking for a similar attitude, you found it. I'm done
after two boys, age 1.75 and 5. I'm spread as thin as I care to
be over dedication to my kids, my career, and my wife. A third
is a bit too much investment.


Thank you and take care.

ST

"Scott" wrote in message
There are times when my wife accepts not having a third, but she'll
frequently find herself wanting another. She is worried she'll regret not
having another one, and the ones we have are growing some quickly.

Have her come talk with me, I'll talk her out of it. ;o) I love my three
kids and wouldn't have done anything different, but adding the third pushed
me and my husband over the edge mentally, physically and financially.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"Scott" wrote in message
...
My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter. My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.
She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

We have three children, but we decided on three shortly after our first was
born, so there's never been any real disagreement about our family size
between us. At this point, to be honest, we'd both *like* to have a fourth
child, but we also both feel that the three we have, along with all our
other responsibilities, keep us more than busy enough. This being the case,
I'm in the unusual position of knowing how *both* you and your wife feel. I
know that feeling that someone is "missing" and of wanting the joy of
meeting and getting to know another child. At the same time, I know the
feeling of having absolutely all the balls in the air you can possibly
manage and knowing if another one's added, something will fall.

Unfortunately, I don't have any silver bullet to fix it. If your wife cannot
reconcile herself to knowing that she will have two children and no more,
the strain on your marriage may be too great. OTOH, having another child
when you don't want another can also place a huge strain on a marriage.
There's no middle ground here, so someone is going to wind up not getting
what he or she wants.

The one thing that I have to say is that I have rarely known anyone who had
a third child who regretted it, even when that third child was unplanned and
weren't exactly happy about it in the first place. That's not to say that
you *should* consent to your wife's wish to have another child, only that I
suspect that if you *do* ultimately change your mind, you probably won't be
sorry you did.

Those are my two cents. Take 'em or leave 'em as you choose.
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Mr. Congeniality (7), the Diva (5) and the Race Car Fanatic (3)

I have PMS and ESP...I'm the bitch who knows everything! (T-shirt slogan)

"Scott" wrote in message
...

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter. My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.
She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you and take care.

ST

The only thing I can suggest is marriage counseling. This is the kind of
issue I found that having a facilitator great for, well, facilitating the
discussion. I guess if I were you, I would like to know why she "accepts"
not having a third (so, she sort of agrees with you) but she worries that
she'll "regret" not having a third (she doesn't agree with her). And if I
were her, I would like to know what your worries are concerning having a
third child. Talking these things out (with a third party) may clarify what
to do.

Good luck,
Jeanne

"Bruce Bridgman and Jeanne Yang" wrote in
message ...

"Scott" wrote in message
...

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter. My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.
She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you and take care.

ST

The only thing I can suggest is marriage counseling. This is the kind of
issue I found that having a facilitator great for, well, facilitating the
discussion. I guess if I were you, I would like to know why she "accepts"
not having a third (so, she sort of agrees with you) but she worries that
she'll "regret" not having a third (she doesn't agree with her). And if I
were her, I would like to know what your worries are concerning having a
third child. Talking these things out (with a third party) may clarify
what to do.

I'll second each word of the paragraph above.


P. Tierney

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter.
My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts
not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.

She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones
we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I
try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.

When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another child
clearly has the upper hand.
They should talk to a counselor if one of them is unhappy about this.

In article .com, lenny
fackler says...


Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter.
My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts
not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.

She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones
we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I
try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.

When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another child
clearly has the upper hand.
They should talk to a counselor if one of them is unhappy about this.



If a marriage were to break up over this, it would be a case of this issue
embodying overall issues in the marriage. Like how the couple communicate,
negotiate, and have their needs and desires met or not met.

While from a certain practical standpoint I can see the reasoning behind the
no-child-is-trump conclusion, IMO the problem in a marriage is very often that
one partner's viewpoint is considered trump too much of the time. The problem
can be exactly that issues are looked at in that way - one having to justify
their desires vs. the other considering their own way to be the norm.

So statements about what should have 'the clear upper hand' and what 'trumps' go
against the real consideration and acceptance of others' needs and dreams that
should be happening here. It's a negotiation. If something is considered to
'trump', even if the eventual decision should be to stick to two kids, the
discussion about WHY and how important various things are to the two partners
won't happen. And it should happen. And, yes, perhaps her dreams regarding
family size are very important and he has the ability to deal with not getting
his way on this. Or not. But calling 'trump' may be exactly the problem which
really is the problem when marriages breakup over something like this.

Banty

Banty wrote:
In article .com,
lenny
fackler says...


Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old
daughter.
My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts
not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting
another.

She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the
ones
we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I
try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I
worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.

When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another child
clearly has the upper hand.
They should talk to a counselor if one of them is unhappy about
this.



If a marriage were to break up over this, it would be a case of this
issue
embodying overall issues in the marriage. Like how the couple
communicate,
negotiate, and have their needs and desires met or not met.

While from a certain practical standpoint I can see the reasoning
behind the
no-child-is-trump conclusion, IMO the problem in a marriage is very
often that
one partner's viewpoint is considered trump too much of the time.
The problem
can be exactly that issues are looked at in that way - one having to
justify
their desires vs. the other considering their own way to be the norm.

So statements about what should have 'the clear upper hand' and what
'trumps' go
against the real consideration and acceptance of others' needs and
dreams that
should be happening here. It's a negotiation. If something is
considered to
'trump', even if the eventual decision should be to stick to two
kids, the
discussion about WHY and how important various things are to the two
partners
won't happen. And it should happen. And, yes, perhaps her dreams
regarding
family size are very important and he has the ability to deal with
not getting
his way on this. Or not. But calling 'trump' may be exactly the
problem which
really is the problem when marriages breakup over something like
this.

Banty

That all makes a lot of sense. I was reacting to the 'marriage
breaker' comment and made a blunt assessment without any assumptions
about the way they communicate or other marriage dynamics. Obviously,
the issue has to be worked through.
If a marriage fails over the issue of 2 children vs. 3 then there was
something wrong to start with.