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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? |
Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Sep 14, 7:43 am, Almost 40 wrote:
5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. This was the one thing I was going to mention. Think about it from the 5YO perspective. She's proably thinking, "If Mommy gives this baby away, maybe she will give me away too". I imagine that must be terrifying to your children, thinking that maybe you would give them away too. This could set them up for serious self-esteem and other mental issues. I can't imagine why in the world something like this would even have been mentioned to the children. Frankly I am horrified that you would discuss something like this with a 5 year old. I also wanted to mention that perhaps you should have your 7 year old evaluated by a mental health professional...she might have some underlying problem (like bi-polar, ADHD, or something that is NOT result of poor parenting skills) . Trust me, I know this from personal experience. My DD was such a problem, I thought it was my fault, but finally found out that she has several psyciatric issues. |
Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Fri, 14 Sep 2007 04:43:17 -0700, Almost 40
wrote: I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? Wow.... Your post shows you are *very* depressed. Is there any way you can go to a counselor by yourself? Not necessarily for marriage counseling, but to give yourself someone to talk to. Nan |
Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
"Almost 40" wrote in message ups.com... I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone. Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time, even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing) when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore, looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done, you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him. In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor. It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you, especially at the moment. As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs* Lucy x |
Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I?Sorry, long.
Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... You have a lot of issues... The first thing that comes to mind is: do you get any time alone? You say you have no one to babysit for counseling time, does that mean you have no one to babysit, period? If that is the case, the first thing you need to do is find a babysitter. Just get away for one or two hours per week, just for yourself. Take a magazine and go to Starbucks and drink diluted coffee for an hour. (Or wherever floats your boat.) The next thing is... if your cousin were to adopt your baby, that would certainly be lovely. I believe that I would be very appreciative, if I were your cousin. Finally, I agree with the others that you should get your 7yo evaluated. There may be some underlying physiological issue that can be controlled and thus make everyone's life easier. If there is not, at least you know that and there is some comfort in knowing that you at least looked into it. -- Anita -- |
Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Sep 14, 3:43 am, Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). Any reason why you don't share the same love and devotion to your husband? They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. It could be that he's just a boy. I don't believe in the attention deficient disorders that they are force feeding us. His fits of anger are maybe his way of dealing and coping with things he cannot control. Try to put yourself in his shoes and see what might be the problem. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. Seeing how these are your feelings, then you should be responsible for them. They will not improve until you correct what's wrong with you to help you, your husband and your children. Also, I think your husband's unhappiness is because he is not making you happy. A man takes pride in the happiness and support of his wife and children. By you being depressed or unhappy, you're probably the cause of his unhappiness. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). Why are you unhappy with him? His annoyance is because of his inability to help you. We men are problem solvers and if we cannot fix our wives, it makes us frustrated and angry (which is how we deal with hurt emotions). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. That is just stupid. He apparently loves you and needs you. Nothing could hurt a man more than his wife not wanting to show him love and affection. To tell him to seek that with other women is like stabbing him in the chest. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. The real answer is for you to figure out what's wrong with you. Maybe seek help on this. I say this because you seem like you're throwing away everything for no good reason. Your children need a father, your husband needs a wife. That can't happen until you fix what's wrong with you. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. You don't need parenting classes. I'm sure your parents and their parents didn't attend classes. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. That's a shame. I hope you get better. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? No. I don't think this is something that needs to be discussed with your children. I would sit down with your husband and talk things out. Explain to him not to get mad or upset with you because the hurt in your life is a result of your feelings and not because of him. Tell him that you just need him to listen and to love you. Tell him that you will let him know when you need his help. I would also apologize to him for the hurt that you caused him and your family. Remember that your husband is your friend and partner in life. He is the children's father as well. Your love and devotion for one another should be higher than the love and devotion you have for your children. Maybe you two have been focusing on your kids so much that you two grew apart. He probably works long hours to support you and the kids and your energy is expelled on the kids. Make time for one another. I wish you well. Regards... |
Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
I agree with everyone else that you sound very obviously depressed in
general, and there are LOADS of things you can do to help yourself feel better, even when pregnant with a baby you're not sure you want. I think the first step is to go to see your doctor and explain what you have said here, then once your depression is under control you can start to deal with teverything else, which might miraculously cure itself once you are feeling better. Good luck we're all rooting for you :) "Almost 40" wrote in message ups.com... I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? |
Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Sep 14, 7:43?am, Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I think that you are right about not really being rational at this point. I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. Your depression (yes, I agree with everyone else--you are VERY depressed and as I live with a depressed person I know what I am talking about) is affecting your self-esteem. If your kids are as you say, you are probably doing plenty of things right. Unless you are abusing your children the way you parent them is not your acquaintances' business. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. Again, I agree that he should be evaluated. Perhaps your depression or the stress in your marriage has affected him, or perhaps he has an organic problem. Maybe counseling would help him. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). These are terrible reasons for staying in a marriage, but then again your reasons for wanting out of the marriage are worse, IMO. I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. They won't improve unless you take steps to improve them. ?We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional Then you are lucky. You have a lot going for you. except that I'm so unhappy with him Why? (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). Annoyance is pretty normal in a marriage. ?I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). ?It would be very expensive ?and I think would be futile, ultimately. These are all excuses. We see a counselor for $15 a week at the local university. Your insurance also may cover it. If money is a problem, some places will let you pay on a sliding scale. Or if you attend church your clergyperson is trained in counseling, typically. ?And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. That's not what happens in counseling. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). Again, depression talking. I don't have any local family or close friends. You need some desperately. You need to find a mom's group or some sort of support group. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. I'm not in a place to advise you on this, but I *think* this is still depression talking. I know someone who felt the same during her pregnancy and even made contact with an agency; things changed, she kepy the baby, and she's happy she did. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. As well they should. Were I you, I'd probably keep the baby for that reason alone. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? You've done right to come here. PLEASE get some help for yourself before you make any more major decisions! Leslie |
Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Sep 14, 10:01 am, "Lucy-lu" wrote:
"Almost 40" wrote in message ups.com... I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone. Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time, even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing) when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore, looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done, you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him. In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor. It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you, especially at the moment. As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs* Lucy x Hello !! God Bless You!!! you sound so distraught!!! Adoption isnt a bad thing .....trust me I know.....my Husband and I adopted a beautiful baby boy 2 years ago!!! We would love the oppurtunity to adopt again.....I have had failed IVF also....I cant have children.....when I was 17 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer....I had to have my ovaries removed.....you have to follow your heart and do what is best for you and the baby......i will pray for you.....if you would like to talk to me please email me at care....Laura:) |
Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Oct 3, 9:17 am, wrote:
On Sep 14, 10:01 am, "Lucy-lu" wrote: "Almost 40" wrote in message oups.com... I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone. Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time, even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing) when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore, looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done, you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him. In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor. It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you, especially at the moment. As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs* Lucy x Hello !! God Bless You!!! you sound so distraught!!! Adoption isnt a bad thing .....trust me I know.....my Husband and I adopted a beautiful baby boy 2 years ago!!! We would love the oppurtunity to adopt again.....I have had failed IVF also....I cant have children.....when I was 17 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer....I had to have my ovaries removed.....you have to follow your heart and do what is best for you and the baby......i will pray for you.....if you would like to talk to me please email me at care....Laura:)- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - If you are considering an adoption plan, please think about talking with me. I'm a want-to-be-Mommy with a lifelong dream of adopting a baby. I have been desperately trying to adopt and am hoping and praying for the right situation to come along very soon. More about me and my desire to adopt is here (www.myspace.com/adoption2007) -- I am very open to an "open adoption" (including letters, photos, and visits). I have so much love to give to a child; I have a beautiful home; live in a wonderful community; and have so much family support. If you'd like to chat about all of this, I can be reached at -- wishing you peace and support during this difficult time. |
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