On Tue, 25 Apr 2006 13:18:41 EDT, "Dawn"
wrote:

Scott L wrote:
Maybe a code word/action between you and Henry is needed
here that means Mom get down here and discipline. Will
he lose face if he has to ask your permission for something?

No, I don't think so. That's a good idea.

It sounds like his friends are using your house to test
reactions.

I don't think so. There are honestly huge cultural differences here
(we're on the Texas/Mexico border) regarding what kids are allowed to
do. Some kids who live part time in Mexico have cars and drive (in
Mexico) as young as 12. OTOH we have conservative parents who still
don't allow their 13 year old kids to go to movies without parents
along. It's a challenging place to parent :-0

Both my husband and I were raised (successfully, we think) with the
"you have my trust until you lose it" approach, and lots of freedom.
We're trying to mostly do that too, but to be honest, the risks are
different here and so we find ourselves stuck at times.

I have been a counselor at the middle school level and I
wholeheartedly agree with those who have advised you to take over the
discipline. I often talked to kids who let me know that they were
uncomfortable with things that their friends were suggesting, but they
didn't know how to get out of it without looking like a dork in front
of their friends. I would tell them to blame their parents even if
their parents wouldn't be mad. Every child knows the horror of
grounding, for example, so saying that if your mom found out you'd be
grounded for a month and it just wasn't worth it what with how you'd
die without your friends was something the other kids would totally
understand. For those kids who said their parents wouldn't do that, I
told them their friends wouldn't know that so they could still blame
it on their parents. I have told my daughters (ages 8 and 10) that
they can blame anything that they don't want to do on me and I will
back them up. They can even tell their friends what a meanie I am
behind my back as long as they don't say it to my face. When it comes
to rules that I know my kids won't want to be party poopers about, I
tell the kids up front. They get a speech on what my rules are for
the car, the house, the mall, etc. when they do things with our
family. If they don't follow the rules, I call them on it. The one
time that my daughter's best friend encouraged her to break a
grounding, I told the friend that I really liked her and was glad she
was friends with my daughter, but that if she was a true friend, she
would be helping my daughter to stay out of trouble instead of helping
her to get into trouble and gave her the task of helping Anna stay on
track so she wouldn't have to be on grounding and away from her
friends even longer.

I think your son will appreciate it if you step up to be the bad guy
and let him get out of the peer pressure that way.

--
Paula
"Anyway, other people are weird, but sometimes they have candy,
so it's best to try to get along with them." Joe Bay