"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
"Welches" wrote:


"Penny Gaines" wrote in message
...
Welches wrote:[snip]
Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have
made
considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would
have
made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with
it,
because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good
at
the massive sulk.
[snip]

We have a similar problem in that we have two quite strong-willed
children
and a third who will quickly give in to keep the peace.

It can be quite difficult to say to A that even though B will go along
with A's choice, we are doing B's choice. Sometimes we even have to ask
B
when the others aren't around otherwise A will pipe up with an option
before B has said anything, and then B will go along with that one.

Actually it is not very similar, because we are trying to make things
fair
on B, whereas in your situation it wasn't made fair.

Well done for noticing really. I don't think my mum noticed until I
pointed
out 18 months ago.
It wasn't even making sure I was asked on my own generally. It was
consulting me and then coming back to me and saying that we're doing the
other for my brother. What happened 18 months ago was I was staying with
my
parents with the children(which I do about 2x a year, and they stay
similar
with me) and I got asked three times and each time a few minutes later mum
came back to say the other option was happening because my brother
objected.
(he's at my parents about every other weekend) For once I objected
strongly.
(on the third go)
After that I decided that if I minded then I would say so.

But now I notice is that if he agrees without too major a strop I'll get
told how obliging he is (he only sulked rather than a noisy strop) whereas
if I say that I mind (and I usually state it rather than noisily) I get
put
down as awkward.

I don't think I can win on this.
Debbie


No probably not unless you can learn to object without making a fuss
about it. Calmly and without a lot of emphasis, but determinedly.

Actually I usually do. I rarely lose my temper. It was only on the third
time on that occaion
that I did lose my temper. I think this was pretty much the first time I
had, and I haven't since. But it's still put down as me being awkward and
not going along with it.

"No mom, that is not OK with me. We will do it as you and I
originally agreed." And then restate the reason that you picked that
option, but without anger or excitement. This will take time.

And I'll get "your brother's going through a difficult time..." mum had ben
using this 10 years when I turned round and requested she said "your brother
IS difficult". Mum laughed and agreed... but she still uses it-and it's 10
years after that!

Or - have your mom ask your brother first.

Unless you have another sibling who can point out to your mother that
she is being unfair. My sister did that for me - when my mom would
complain to her about something I didn't do that she thought I should
do, my sister would point out that she didn't do that (or did that)
and that mom didn't mind it when she did it (or didn't do it). Or
that it was significantly more difficult for me to do it than it was
for her (my sister) to do it.

My sister's done this. This was one of the reasons I realised that I wasn't
just being mean to my brother, which was what I was always told if I tried
to fight my corner.
When my sister independently stated some of the things I'd felt, then I
realsied the problem wasn't just my fault.
One of the problems is that mum seems to actually misremember things that
happen-in my brother's favour. If we correct her then she gets quite
indignant. Occasionally I've produced proof (like a photo).

It did take time.

I know. I suspect we haven't that much time in the world though.
Debbie