On Sat, 04 Dec 2004 13:43:15 GMT, "PBSL"
wrote:


"Cele" wrote in message

Hi cele.

Hi, pbs! :-) Nice to meet you.

First, my daughter is also dealing with major fallout from past damage
done, and has no interest in counselling, despite plenty of
professional opinions that she should get some.

Time, it will take time. one of the truest sayings I've heard is "time heals
all"
sometimes its all one needs immho.
I counting on it myself.

Yep, time and love in good measure work wonders. My daughter is doing
remarkably well given what she's been through, and the little bit of
time that has passed.

I decided early that it was just not going to be helpful to insist on
counselling in which she had no interest or commitment, so I didn't. I
did occasionally remind her of the option. Like your daughter, she has
now decided, after being mugged last month,

I'm Sorry to hear that I hope she was OK.

She was fine. Scared her, but it's so trivial in comparison to other
experiences that she actually came through it rather well. It was a
catalyst, as I said, that got her ready to address the next stage of
her healing process, which is a good thing. Silver linings and all
that. :-)

that she's ready to talk
to someone, but specifically about personal safety techniques. The
woman I have hired, from an organisation called SafeTeen, turns out to
be the person my daughter has chosen to talk to. I couldn't be more
delighted.


With respect to PBSL, I would encourage you not so much to "get
counselling", but to think through what you need to sort through. What
kinds of issues are you facing? What kinds of problems do you need to
solve? What patterns are repeating in your life, that you want to
change? Once you get a sense of some of this kind of thing, then, if
you feel ready to take a shot at it, you can go to a counsellor with a
clearer idea in mind of what you want out of it. That might feel less
like you have to bare your soul, and more like you can just get some
trained, intelligent help to brainstorm strategies and patterns with
an eye to finding a more effective way to manage whatever needs
managing.

That's good advice, thanks. I really need to take time out and just put
thoings into perspective.
I might try and get a weekend to myself. Although as you know, that's not
very easy.

I do know, and I can remember fantasizing about getting on a plane to
anywhere and disappearing, just to escape. Never *did* it, of course,
but boy, that feeling of desperation I remember very well. I remember
thinking that you *know* you're in rough shape when the idea of a week
or two in hospital is even appealing, so you could just rest.....

Then, shop around. Counsellors vary widely in skill, style and
orientation. Talk to a few until you find one you feel might be
helpful.

I know councillers are proffesionaly trained in thier respective fields
but at the moment I feel just a friend to talk to would have as much
theraputic value to me than a dozen councillers
Unfortunatly for me is that ever person that contacts me these days
is after something and not just calling for friendships sake.

Have you considered finding a support group for single parents? You
have to be a bit cautious, in that many are just dating mills, but
some are really great in that the focus is on parenting and the
challenges attached thereto, rather than on matchmaking. Another
thought would be some kind of men's group? Or maybe some kind of
interest based group - hobby, or political interest, or whatever. I
know, I know, joining something when you've got kids and no money
isn't easy.....but if you could think of one good place to meet
people...

I'm Unitarian so I've been fortunate in that going to church has
worked for me, in terms of meeting people socially who mostly haven't
got anything to ask me for. Church has the advantage of being very
child friendly, as well. But if you're not up for that, maybe putting
kids into soccer or something would give you a place to meet people?
Or getting on the kids' school committee, maybe? What helps is to meet
new people who know you as a single parent, rather than the people who
are still processing you as an individual separate from the couple you
were.

As for the whole co-parenting and multi-residence thing, I can offer
this little bit of information from my over 12 years of single
parenting with an ex husband who has remained very much involved and
engaged in his daughters' lives: do whatever you humanly can to keep
your relationship with your ex separate from your child's relationship
with your ex. Keep your discussions of parenting, finances, custody,
visitation, living arrangements, etc. between the adults until your
child is old enough to be making decisions on these matters. Try very,
very hard to not only not trash your ex,

That's so true. It can be hard at times , but I know the child needs to hear
it.
I really make a point of saying at least once a week that "mummy loves you
very much and she would be here if she could"

It's harder earlier on. It gets easier, especially if the other parent
behaves responsibly, because once you're all into a routine in the
shape of your new lives, there's not as much to conflict over. But I
had a very supportive and cooperative ex, WRT parenting the kids, so I
was lucky.

but if you can sincerely
think of any positive things to say, say them now and again. Don't lie
and don't exaggerate, but look for good.

yes, yes! I'm happy to be reading this. It's just reenforcing what I
believe.
As I have little contact with people here to test these ideas.

Hey, you'll find no shortage of opinions in *this* group, so feel free
to test away. You need a teflon coating at times, but it's certainly a
place you can expect feedback. :-)

It's really, really helpful
because this enables your child to feel safe and unjudged for loving
both of you, it teaches the child that you can disagree and still get
along,

exactly! Life's not black and white. You dont just either like someone or
hate them.

That's right. And that's a critically important skill for everyone to
learn. Some learn it sooner than others, and a few sorry few never
learn it, but I reckon they're the ones who have the hardest time, in
the end.

it shows them that they can feel differently from you without
censure, and it lets them know that your love for them is a separate
and special thing from the love between them and the other parent.

Best of all, even if your ex trashes you, later on, they are smart
enough to know that you have consistently taken the high road.

This is great! You must be a very down to earth person.

Sometimes. :-) Some days. ;-)

There's
a LOT of payoff then,

yes, an unexpected/unintended bonus.
So true Kids ARE smart!
Alas a lot of parents just dont give thier kids credit in the
awareness & common sense dept

That's true. I have the advantage of having been from a divorced
family myself, and when my own parents divorced, it was just a few
years before it became common. So I remember being told I was from a
'broken home' and feeling very inadequate. That's changed, thankfully,
to a degree, although certainly there's still prejudice that has it
that single parents are by definition less competent. But the
advantage I had is that I know what it's like to have been a kid in a
far less healthy divorce than my own, so that helped me to know what
*not* to do.

during the teen years, when they realize that
regardless of the other parent's behaviour, you have remained positive
and supportive. Teens *really* respect that. And if they are so lucky
as to have had TWO parents who have taken the high road, the trust and
respect quotient going into adolesence is a whole lot higher than it
might be. You need all of that you can get around about then.

Kids can handle that their parents not agreeing. They can handle their
parents' divorce. They can handle moving and they can handle quite a
bit more, but what they *really need* is to know that the parents
will remain sane and sensible, and that even if one 'goes off', the
other one can be trusted. That, really, is the same in married
parenting.

Anyway, I'm probably rambling all over the map. I'm so bloody busy at
work I can hardly see straight. Good luck!


No, your making lots of sense, thanks
and I can relate to the "busy at work" thing, I'm the same here, and its
more than welcome too , not only does it mean more income , but I have less
time to
dwell.

I'm a special ed teacher, so for me, unfortunately, it doesn't mean
more income, it just means more work. But the good side of it all is
that I'm only two weeks from Christmas break, which is two weeks long
here. And I'm going to New York for a holiday!!!! I can't afford it.
But I"m going anyway. :-)

Cele

Thank You Cele

You're most welcome. Welcome to the group.

Cele