Richard wrote:

My 32mo daughter often says "no" when she means "yes". As a simple
example, my wife leaves in the morning before I do (I take DD to
daycare). As my wife is leaving, she'll ask DD for good-bye hugs and
kisses. DD sometimes says, no, she doesn't want any. Maybe she's
playing and doesn't want to be distracted, sometimes she's just
exercising her toddler's prerogative to say no. She doesn't want any
hugs, of course, until the minute my wife is gone. Then, after it's
too late, she starts her pleading, "Mommy huggie! Mommy huggie!"
"It's too late, Sweetheart. Mommy's at work now." Meltdown, tears
and all.

For a while, we've assumed (correctly, I think) that she lacks the
neural connectivity needed to conceptualize causality, so have given
her what she says she wants when she says she wants it. As this
behavior is becoming more frequent, we're leaning toward just letting
her suffer the consequences of her initial rejection and endure her
resulting meltdowns, even if we're in a position to give her what she
wants.

I have a few specific questions.

- Is this common behavior at this age?

- If so, when do kids outgrow it?

- Has anyone ever dealt with this before? (successfully or not,
stories of failures are most welcome)

- Given a recent longitudinal study that showed that teenagers lack
much of the circuitry necessary to reason logically, does it not
make sense to dismiss this as part of being two and just
accommodate DD, or is she likely to outgrow this faster if we hold
her to her word, no matter how easily remedied and no matter how
painful?

Fwiw, I have tried discussing this with her and she sometimes seems to
understand. Yesterday, she even repeated back to me, "Micaela want
it, Micaela say 'yes'." As recently as this morning, though, she had
yet to take that advice.

Honestly, I think she's likely well into the age range
where she should be having a decent grasp on cause and effect,
and it's possible that your believing she wasn't quite ready
for that and giving her what she wants when she wants it has
been hampering her ability to learn this cause and effect.
I think this is a very normal stage, but I think you have
to help her grow and develop beyond it, and the time is
ripe to do that.
If I were you, I would set up lots and lots of easy,
low-cost scenarios where she can practice making decisions
and seeing what happens. She's going to get upset when
she makes a decision and it turns out not to be the one
she really likes. Sometimes that will be because she's
playing games with you, and sometimes that will be because
she's still a bit limited in her ability to predict her
future reactions to things. That's okay. That's how she
learns, even though the process is frustrating for her at
times. Believe me, if you do not support this learning
now, it often does get *much* worse.
That said, it doesn't mean you have to stick her
with every decision she makes. Be clear with her. While
she's learning, explain to her which decisions are final,
and make those the relatively low cost ones (I don't think
choosing not to hug and kiss Mommy good-bye before work
is particularly high cost, but it's higher cost than some
other things, like wearing the pink shirt or the green
shirt) the ones that she is required to stick with. When
the cost is too high, DO NOT GIVE HER A CHOICE. Don't
ask her if she wants to kiss Mommy good-bye. Tell her
it's time to kiss Mommy good-bye. As she grows, she
will get more and more choices, but offering too many
choices is a killer for kids. You want to keep her on
that edge where she's making the choices that are
developmentally appropriate for her, and even pushing
the edge a little so that she occasionally chooses wrong
when the stakes are not too high so she learns, but
not asking her to make choices that are beyond her
or where the stakes are unacceptably high. Part of
defining "unacceptably high" is figuring out what
meltdowns you're willing to deal with, but you can't
make that all of it because she may need to experience
a few meltdowns before she really starts connecting
up cause and effect.
In general, these sorts of cause and effect
relationships are really developing at an initial
level from about 18 months to 3 years.

Best wishes,
Ericka