Hiyas,
First, thanks for the replies and help with my question. I've taken
everything I've read (even some of what i considered somewhat nasty
criticism) and have made some lists of what's real, what I'd like to be
real, what I think my son feels is real and now I'm going to talk with him
about this stuff... actually, I'm going to sit with my sig other and my son
and we're going to talk this stuff through.
Second, I know I haven't necessarily given everyone a fair shake. I came
into this group initially hoping to find others who felt that single
parenthood sucked and hated the fact that they were single parents and felt
that they were being screwed by the system the way I was. Instead, I found
people in this group who've had some rough patches, who are doing the best
they can, and who take it a day at a time in many cases. (based on some of
the threads and the lurking and even what i've read in the FAQ that I've
saved for future reference)
3rd, I tend to do lots of thinking either while in bubble baths or in the
shower and tonight, while I was in the shower I got to thinking about what
someone had said about my illness scaring the hell out of my son. When I was
younger and my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother, she was in the
hospital with bleeding colitis. I was so scared that she'd die. I was about
8ish. So I guess I was about the same age as my own son is. I remember
hearing my dad crying in the bathroom at night while mom was in the
hospital, begging "God" not to take her, to make her better again and to
please take him if "God" had to take someone from our family. I'll never
forget that. Well, Last night, my sig other and I were talking about
something similar.... about the fact that my diverticulitis was so bad that
had I waited a day or two to get it treated (in other words, had I not gone
to the ER last friday and waited til monday) I could have ended up with
Sepsis and very possibly have died. I know it sounds awfully dramatic and
that some who are reading this are probably rolling their eyes muttering
"drama queen" but the best way it was described to me by the doctor was
this.... if you took a sterile tube and drove it through your leg, you
wouldn't get an infection (or your chances are minimized) but the center of
that hollow tube becomes infested with germs, etc. The diverticulitis is
kinda like the infestation of germs getting out of hand and almost causing a
rupture. that rupture could have infected my entire body and boy would that
have been a hell of a mess! To an 8 year old kid, knowing that mommy is so
sick with a raging fever and tubes hanging out all over the place with
bruises on both arms because of collapsing veins, yeah, I can see the fear.
It's actually not hard putting myself into his shoes... I was there once.
4th, my rough start.... is there room for second chances and is there a
chance for me to apologize for being something of a bitch? I don't mean to
come off as such. I was too quick to hit the filter button.... I'm gonna hit
the undo button. That's the nice thing about computer filters.... I can at
least undo that but what I've typed.... that can't be undone because that's
already been sent and all I can do is apologize for being nasty.
All I can say is that as i feel better, I hope that I'll be able to
contribute a little more.... I may slip in and out of lurk mode just because
there's still lots to learn.... I think I've said what I wanted to... I just
hope that those who've I've had bad pasts with in other groups who I've met
up with here I can just bury the hatchet with and start over... if not, ok.
it's worth a shot. So anyhoo.... Thanks for the advice.... and even the
criticism.... I'll be trying some things using what I was given.

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery