On Apr 22, 7:04 pm, Suzanne at SuzCorner
wrote:
I believe what Ed was trying to do was bounce ideas off of
experienced mothers after having heard my own opinions about my
childrearing history vs what I've witnessed in other families, some of
whom their children are turning out decidedly NOT ok.
If that really was what he was trying to do, then he failed dismally.
He was not offering up ideas; he was stating his theories as though
they were fact, and exhorting parents to act the way he felt they
should act, in a way that made it quite clear that he believed that
women who don't breastfeed or don't put their babies to sleep in the
same room are also being emotionally neglectful and unloving.
He is also
extending that with what was his own luck to observe in families at
opposite ends of the spectrum
Suzanne, the problem is that he doesn't seem to recognise that there
*is* a spectrum. All he sees are the opposite ends.
Anyway, I have seen families that are loving who for whatever
reason, scheduling conflicts, breast problems, mother-self-image, bad
advice by "doctors", did not breastfeed. But personally, I would not
have a clue how to relate to a baby of mine if I could not nurse away
all the infantile boo boo's a small child encounters in life.
You may feel that way now, but I strongly suspect that if you were
faced with that situation - if, for whatever reason, you had a baby
that you couldn't nurse - then you would rapidly develop other ways to
relate to that baby. In fact, I should think - and hope - that you
had plenty of other ways to relate to your baby as it was. Surely
you must have spent plenty of time touching and holding your baby even
when you weren't nursing him or her, not to mention talking to him or
her often?
However, if that really isn't the case - if being unable to nurse
really would leave you genuinely stymied as to what else you could
possibly do to show your affection and responsiveness to that child in
such a way as to build up a strong, loving relationship - then that
would make me seriously worried about your own emotional wholeness and
ability to relate to others. In the highly unlikely event that you
really are that deficient in normal maternal responsiveness, please
recognise that this is your own problem (and needs dealing with), and
do not project it into an assumption that the millions of warm,
loving, affectionate mothers who formula-feed are similarly lacking in
ability to show love.
So
please cut Ed some slack, as I'm sure his opinions are colored by my
own, and I promise to teach him how to use emoticons, so you can know
his mood while he's writing ;-)
Suzanne, don't bother. The reason Ed offended others is that he
claimed that if you don't breastfeed, or don't share a room with your
child, then that automatically means that you're spending that child's
entire childhood neglecting them and possibly abusing them. Those
views are uninformed, judgemental, arrogant, and ridiculously
inaccurate. They do not become acceptable because they were coloured
by the opinions of others, they do not become acceptable because he's
in a calm happy blissed-out mood while writing, they would not be
acceptable if you stuck a smiley on the end. What he needs is not to
use emoticons, but to realise that the word is not the black-and-white
place he paints it, and that there are millions of women out there who
formula feed and/or put their babies to sleep in separate rooms and
who maintain warm, loving, affectionate relationships with those
babies.
Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com