Damn Cele........seems like you are reciting the reader's digest version of
my last 3 years :-)

"Cele" wrote in message
...
On Mon, 17 May 2004 10:03:26 -0400, "Sad Dad"
wrote:

i am a single dad with custody of my 11 year old daughter.

Welcome to adolesence. Starts early these days. Make sure you've got
some pads in the bathroom where she'll find him for when that hits, if
it hasn't already.

You're describing an archetypal early adolescent girl. They suddenly
think you're a moron, they want nothing to do with you, their friends
rule the world, any kind of altercation with anyone at school is the
end of the world, and their eyeballs roll so far up into their heads
so often you'd swear they were starting to turn inside out. I hate to
tell you this, but it gets a LOT worse. The good news, is, it gets
better, too.

She's doing exactly what teen girls do: taking you for granted. She's
drawn to Mom because Mom's not take-for-grantedable (damn, to think I
just got elected communications officer! They'll be sorry). She's got
a reliable Dad and a sugar Mommy and she's behaving exactly as one
might expect. Believe me when I tell you, at the depths of her soul,
she knows where her bread's buttered. She's obviously very secure in
her relationship with you or she wouldn't be so cavalier.

I agree with other posters who suggest you develop something of a
social life of your own. It'll help you maintain perspective, give you
other interests and let her know that you're a real person with real
needs too.

One of the best books I've ever read on adolescent females is, I kid
you not, entitled, "Get Out of My Life, But First, Would You Drive Me
and Cheryl to the Mall?" He

http://www.reversephonedirectory.com...ch&locale= us

"I'm not mad, I just hate you" is pretty good too, as I remember.

Do everything you can to develop your sense of humour. You're gonna
need it. Really. Here are examples from my own life:

When my now 16 year old gets really obnoxious, especially as I know
that when she does, in her case, there's usually heavy stress behind
it, I just listen until I sense that she's calming to the right place.
Then I say those magic words (this usually takes place in the car,
because that's the only place I've got her prisoner and she actually
interacts with me): "Open the glove box." When she hears this she
groans, and says "No! Not that!" but she opens the glove box. In the
glove box I keep a red foam clown nose. I put it on. She is unable to
remain serious when I look at her wearing the clown nose.

Use this with caution. They have to have a lot of venting out of their
system first, or they'll think you're minimising their distress. You
will usually find their distress to be over something miniscule, but
NEVER tell them this. ;-)

When both of my daughters hit that stage where they didn't want to be
seen with me, and my very heartbeat was a source of catastrophic
embarassment, I turned to Monty Python. In public. They would say,
"Oh, MOM, DOON'T!!!!!" To which I would instantly respond, at a good
healthy volume, "Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the
violence inherent in the system!" They would get as far away from me
as possible, which was generally helpful, and it got so they were
afraid to complain about anything in case I launched into Monty
Python. A little well managed fear can be a good thing. LOL

Seriously. Get, nurture, sustain and enhance a sense of humour. It
helps a LOT.

And don't forget the time honoured mantra: "This too shall
pass....this too shall pass...this too shall pass...."

Don't try to compete against her friends. Not gonna win that one, and
the friends will change approximately as often as she puts on
deoderant, at least in the early years. They clique in, they clique
out, the one she's sobbing snubbed her last week is her dearest friend
next week and is the most foul of beings the week after that. You're
the constant. Relax in the security of that and just wait about seven
years for it all to blow over. At the end of it, you'll have an adult
who can't remember the names of the buddies she hung with in grades
six or seven, but who sure knows who to call for a hug or a loan or
Thanksgiving dinner.

she's only 11. am i supposed to lose her now? aren't i supposed to have
at
least a few more years with her before i lose my child to adulthood and
her
own life?

Nope, you don't. She's developing her own life now, which means you've
done well so far. You're not losing her, she's just becoming the adult
you always knew she would. She's at the very beginning of that
process, and it's gonna take a fair whack of years yet, but it's
underway. Kiss goodbye to what's been and embrace what's coming,
because you've got no choice, and you love *her*, not her stage.

i appreciate any comments or suggestions anyone might have. i dont
really
have anyone good to talk to about this nearby and just can't afford
counceling.

You might poke around your local community organisations. Quite a few
of them, at least here in Canada, run get together groups for parents
of teens. Don't feel in the slightest like she's too young for you to
seek them out. There, you'll meet other parents, hear their stories
and worries, and get a handle on how normal and healthy yours really
is.

Good luck. Buckle your seatbelt. This is the famed adolesence, you've
heard so much about.

;-)

Cele (mother of daughters, 16.5 and nearly 19)