Andrea S wrote:

Any advice? I need to lay down ground rules but don't want to be too
heavy...

She's plenty old enough to understand that in a house with 5, soon to
be 6, other kids rules are necessary so that things run smoothly, and
that you're not laying down arbitrary rules to be Hitler, you're
enforcing them so that your home runs well. If everyone just did
whatever they wanted to do, including you, there would be no clean
laundry, no dinners, no one would ever know where anyone was, etc.
Rules are necessary to prevent chaos. She needs a curfew so that
you're not up all night worrying about her. She needs to contribute to
the running of the house (chores) because it's not fair for one person
to do everything. She's old enough to get that.

In this situation, I think it's reasonable to expect her to attend
school daily and to complete her homework each evening, to come home
and check in after school before going anywhere, to ask permission
before she brings anyone to your home, and to do a reasonable amount of
chores - maybe cleaning up after meals and doing her own laundry and
occasional babysitting, or whatever works for your home. You don't
want to turn her into Cinderella, but I read an excellent quote - "If
you want to keep your kids' feet on the ground, put some responsibility
on their shoulders!" She should also speak to you and your husband and
kids respectfully, and treat everyone the way she'd want them to treat
her. None of these things are too much to expect. Explain that to
her, and set up a system of consequences - first offense, a warning;
second offense, grounded for the weekend; third offense, grounded for a
week; or whatever works in your house. Make them unmistakeably clear.
Explain to her that grown ups face consequences for their behavior,
too, and that you think it's important for her to learn to anticipate
conseqences in the safety of your home, before she goes off into the
world and the consequences get a lot more serious (jail, etc.).

Once she settles in, and is old enough, she ought to get a job and
start saving for her education. It doesn't sound like Mom and Dad are
going to help her, and with 6 kids, you can't either. If she starts
saving right away, she can make a serious dent in her college expenses.
It'll also teach her responsibility. You ought to sit down with her
and make a long term plan - what's she going to do after high school?
How long are you willing to let her stay? She needs an exit strategy,
because she's not staying with you until she's 80. How does she plan
to support herself, once she turns 18?

Having a plan, and taking responsiblity for the direction of her own
life, will go a long way toward helping her depression, too. In many
situations, depression comes for that feeling of hopelessness. If she
has a goal and a plan for how to get there, she won't feel as hopeless,
and therefore won't feel as depressed.

I want to get her depression sorted and work towards getting her
back into school.

I would make school attendance a condition of her staying with you - in
other words, if she thinks she's old enough to quit school, then she's
old enough to live on her own and support herself (you did it, after
all).

As for the depression, you asked in another post if we thought
medication would be necessary/prescribed. Medication may mask what's
going on, but the only way for her to heal from it and have any kind of
lasting peace is for her to deal with it. In situations like this, it
is my opinion that medication gives an individual a way of avoiding the
issues they need to deal with, and that eventually they're going to
have to face it, rather than medicating it away. Better now than
later. I say this as someone who has used anti-depressants myself, and
who has recommended them to others. I think they have their place, but
it is when depression is non-situational ("I'm depressed for no
reason!") not situational ("I'm depressed because someone died.")
There's a difference, and it seems to me that your sister's issues fall
more into the second sort - there's a reason why she's depressed, your
parents suck, and if she comes to grips with that, she shouldn't be
depressed anymore. It'll take time, and probably therapy, but YOU did
it, so she can do it too. Remind her of that often.

I'm reminded of the newspaper story about two brothers. One was
successful by every possible measure, the other was unsuccessful by
every possible measure. When asked what they attributed the outcome of
their lives to, the first said, "My dad was an alcoholic, and watching
him waste his life that way inspired me to do better with my own life."
The second said the same thing, "My dad was an alcoholic." The
difference is that the first used it as an inspiration to lead a better
life, and the second used it as an excuse. Teach her, by your example,
to use what has happened to her as an inspiration to lead a better
life, not an excuse.

One final thought - she needs to know that if she does anything to
endanger your children, that she leaves. You need to have a
zero-tolerance policy for drugs and alcohol, for bringing home scary
people, for any other activities which jeopardize the safety and
welfare of your kids because they are your primary responsiblity. Make
it very clear to her that if you feel that she is a threat to your kids
in any way, you will call a cab to take her to the nearest homeless
shelter. Watching you take responsibility for the protection of your
kids will be a good example to her. Teens who have come from homes
like hers often try to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. Make it
very clear from the start that you will not tolerate any of that.
Period. If she tests that limit, make good on your threat (whatever it
is), otherwise you're putting your kids at risk, and who will protect
your kids from you if you're not acting in their best interests?

Good luck,
Amy