Subject: I'm a 16 year old mom I wanna chat w/ people
From: "'Kate
Date: 3/19/2004 8:37 PM Eastern Standard Time
Message-id:

On 19 Mar 2004 23:07:35 GMT, (Bebelestrnge)
No I do not take care of
myself......... I am not done punishing myself just yet. I know what you are
saying and I know you are right "maybe tomorrow" "yeah tomorrow"

Hate to state the obvious (and I'm glad you're making time for your
relationship) but...

Arghh the but !

you *have* to stop being mad at yourself.

yeah soon , It certainly is not doing me any good, It is hard though.........


You
forgive everyone else for everything but you cannot forgive yourself?

That is pretty f*ed up isn't it, comes from having a rotten mother that didn't
show me the normal love, never could be perfect enough to make her love me, I
tried so damn hard to be perfect for her. Wasn't good enough you
know............. I did have therapy for this ya know it kinda worked smile
I am what is left

Who made you so f8ing special, Bev, that you can't screw up and still
deserve the same basic things that other human beings need? Hmmmmm?

It is that I don't see myself at all special let alone f8ing special , Kate, I
have screwed up, and I do try to teach my kids that it is o.k. to screw up as
long as you learn from it and improve by it. My own advice does me no good. "I
shoulda this I shoulda that"
"I didn't this I didn't that" It is guilt I know what it is it is the one thing
that no matter how I look at myself after all that has happened I can't shake
it? I can't be sorry that is not good enough, I can't physically suffer enough
I am trying to find the feel better , to hope , to open up what I have closed
inside. I still have some really bad days. Heaven forbid I am happy, sometimes
I am simply fighting to not push it all away, cause ya know "I don't deserve
this"

I know I'm being hard on you but that's just tough.

Yeah you are being hard on me I don't expect anything less ......... I know.
Bev

'Kate