"Kat" wrote in message
...
My uncle died this morning, so now I have a funeral to go to.
This was an uncle that I was always very, very close to.
He ended up in the hospital (again) almost 3 weeks ago. His health has
been horrible for a couple of years now, actually. Bad diabetic (insulin
dependant 3 or 4 times a day, but would often forget or neglect) over
weight, heart disease, liver and kidney problems, high blood pressure,
breathing and walking problems within the last 6-12 months or so... Just
generally speaking, very bad health.
snip
I now have 1 question about that... I was thinking of putting the girls in
some cute little outfit - not what is normally seen at funerals... the
dark, more "formal" attire. For one, none of the kids have much I'd say
was good for a funeral, and I know it's true that often young kids bring
some joy and life to those around them at funerals and similar (like
'celebrations of life' - whatever you want to give the name as) It's
supposed to be nice next week, and I was even considering some cute little
spring type dresses or something... And then letting DS pick out his own
clothes, whatever he wants to wear. He does have dress pants/shirts, but
I doubt he'd be comfortable in that. Is this appropriate? I don't want
to keep calling my mom and asking her... I also don't want to offend her,
but to me, putting young children in black or dark clothes seems
depressing a little.

I'd ask your Aunt. I wouldn't phone up and ask just that, but kind of weave
it into a more general enquiry. ("I just wanted to check how you are. I miss
him too...")
If you feel that you can't then, yes, I would ask your mum. It's not the
sort of thing you want a big fall out over, and people can be very touchy at
funerals.
For me, I don't think it's an issue what the children wear. It'd be silly to
have to go and get a black outfit for one occasion and I think people
usually understand that.
When we went to dh's grandma's funeral #1 (age 5yo) wore a summer smocked
dress. I think it was dark blue, but had pink flowers embroidered all over
the smocked area. I knew that dh's Grandma liked the dress and so had no
worries people would think it was too bright because I could always say
that.
She was the only child there (I could have taken #2 as well but there
wouldn't have been any others to come) and caused the funeral party to
desolve into laughter as the coffin was lowered into the hole when she leant
over and said "look, it's a perfect fit".


Now, the other part...
My mom called me this morning to tell me the news around 1030 or so. DS
had already been long gone to school. He came home and I actually still
haven't mentioned anything to him. snipTell him that Uncle died when he
was at school in the morning on Friday, but there was no point in maybe
having him upset over the weekend and waiting until that day to tell him
so there's not that sitting around, waiting, thinking time from now until
the funeral... Tell him that day and then we'll go to the funeral (there's
going to be no body as they're doing a cremation) and just have it all in
one day kind of thing - if that makes ANY sense at all? Or would that be
wrong to wait until after the weekend to tell him?

If it was my 8yo then I'd tell her straight away. She'd e upset, lots of
tears, but would have mostly recovered by the funeral which would be easier
on me and everyone else. I can deal easier with the tears quietly at home
than in front of everyone.
But you know him best, will he be upset the whole weekend?
I wonder if you say "he died last friday but I waited until now to tell you
so you're not upset all weekend" might come back to haunt you. As in he
starts to wonder if other people have dies and you haven't told him yet
either?
I'd start with saying something like "you know I went to visit Uncle last
week and he was very, very ill." Then you can explain that he's dies, but it
much better because he's not ill any more.


Now... I know EVERYONE has their own opinions on funerals and death and
all that, and so I am really hoping this does NOT start some kind of big
fight or argument. I'm just looking for some honest opinions that might
help a little with this. I know I'm having a hard time with it, so I'm
just really wondering if DS should as well over the weekend and Monday
with school. DDs don't really know any different, so there's no real
point in trying to explain anything to a pair of preschoolers... DD1's
only dealings with death are a moth she had caught in the summer, put in a
plastic bug viewing container thing she got for her birthday and the moth
dying (and, actually, the dead moth is STILL in that container that she
carts around fairly often, which she'll shove in someone's face and say,
"moth died" or "moth dead" all the time lol) I don't really care to try
and compare an uncle to a moth, and really, I know it would be like me
talking to a wall about this to DDs. It's definitely more DS I'm wondering
about. I have not said a word about it within earshot of him - either
directly to him or on the phone.
I can't remember how old your older dd is, but #2 has had a death obsession
since she was about 3 1/2. SHe'd go up to people and ask "When do you think
you're going to die" and other tactful statements. It may be that your dds
will understand more than you expect. I might say something (you could use
the moth to talk about it) to the older one at least. Otherwise you have the
risk of having to explain in front of everyone at the funeral, or a relative
telling them in a less controlled way.
Debbie