I never thought I would be so happy to be home. We made it through the wake
and funeral. As soon as we walked into the funeral home, Sage was greeted
with love and tears. She was able to grieve and cry and get hugs and cry.
Then this morning, it was all over again. I will never understand all the
ceremonial stuff that Catholics do. No offense intended. It was to much
though. I was so appreciative of all the love that is given to S and me. Her
especially. I couldn't tell the family enough how much thanks they deserve
for loving her and excepting her. She was able to speak with D, who is her
father's girlfriend and current carrier of the soon to be
half-brother/sister. Me and her also had the chance to talk about her
continue contact with S that I said is great and some other personal things.
Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to back
off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt
sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat and
waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my life.

I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't around
much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I
still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap and
he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD
FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me to
vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I not
crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the wrongs.
I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this to S
and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is going
to cut out in death. F------ loser. This morning though, it got the best of
me and I cried with S and his mother. I adore his mother, I think of her as
my second mom and she thinks of me as a daughter. Her grief saddened me, S's
grief saddened me.... I don't think I was crying for her father though.

I guess my feelings might change, probably not though. I will vent where
appropriate and keep the positive attitude with my daughter.

Thanks again everyone. I will continue to re-read posts that will help later
in dealing with S as she grieves. Don't sweat the arguing..... those who
know me know if I had the energy, I would be arguing too.

Hugs to all!

Tiffany