'Kate wrote in message ...
On Mon, 3 May 2004 21:14:25 -0400, "Tiffany"
I never thought I would be so happy to be home. We made it through the
wake
and funeral. As soon as we walked into the funeral home, Sage was greeted
with love and tears. She was able to grieve and cry and get hugs and cry.
Then this morning, it was all over again. I will never understand all the
ceremonial stuff that Catholics do. No offense intended. It was to much
though.

Yeah... that kind of thing really depends on who is performing the
ceremony. My mother's catholic funeral was lovely but 20 some-odd years
ago when my father had his at the same church, it was awful.

I was so appreciative of all the love that is given to S and me. Her
especially. I couldn't tell the family enough how much thanks they
deserve
for loving her and excepting her. She was able to speak with D, who is
her
father's girlfriend and current carrier of the soon to be
half-brother/sister. Me and her also had the chance to talk about her
continue contact with S that I said is great and some other personal
things.

I'm glad you had the chance to open a door with her. I can only imagine
that it was an uncomfortable situation all around for you.

Yeah, it was weird at first but she was also glad that I seemed to be the
only one wondering how they could put him in a suit and why they were doing
all the ceremonial stuff, ect. He was a Deadhead before I met him 14 years
ago...... she wished her input could have been more valid. I agreed that
they were doing things the 'right way' but it was wrong for him.


Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to
back
off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt
sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat
and
waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my
life.

You did good.

I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't
around
much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I
still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap
and
he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD
FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me
to
vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I
not
crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the
wrongs.
I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this
to S
and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is
going
to cut out in death. F------ loser.

We tend to grieve differently depending on the type of relationship that
we had... how we were treated by the person. It gets complicated when
there were bad situations involved. It is a social taboo to speak ill
of the dead... it feels wrong. All the things that happened to you and
Sage because of her father did happen and you have the right to
recognise them as bad things.

Don't forget to get copies of his death certificate. You'll need it for
social security survivor's benefits for Sage. Call their 800 number for
info or go to the website. I'll try to remember to look that info up
for you tomorrow.

That has been brought to my attention and I will look into it. It will get
complicated, for sure. I know he hasn't paid much into it so we will see.
Both his parents are going to make sure I get a copy of the certificate. He
also got approved for disablity (SSD, I suppose) right before he died and
they were to go back a year and he had even said before he died that Sage
was entitled to benefits too so I am going to try to get her portion, for
the back year.


This morning though, it got the best of
me and I cried with S and his mother. I adore his mother, I think of her
as
my second mom and she thinks of me as a daughter. Her grief saddened me,
S's
grief saddened me.... I don't think I was crying for her father though.

I guess my feelings might change, probably not though. I will vent where
appropriate and keep the positive attitude with my daughter.

There's no right way to feel. The relationship that you had with her
father was not the best. Much of that was because of his behaviors.
You may never feel the loss... or you may feel a more practical side of
things. Or, as in my case, I grieved the loss of the potential of a
better future together, the possibility of him handling his bipolar
disorder, and his willingness to be a father to the children again.
That saddened me the most.

That would be hard. I can only imagine but now I have a inkling of what it
was like.


Thanks again everyone. I will continue to re-read posts that will help
later
in dealing with S as she grieves. Don't sweat the arguing..... those who
know me know if I had the energy, I would be arguing too.

LOL.. it's not really arguing. Just a different approach. I tend to
think of this from the viewpoint of being a widow and the shock of
single parenting... forever. It was a tough hurdle. It's passed
though. Now I deal with the occasional tinge of regret and the
children's ongoing need to keep their father in their lives if only in
memory.

'Kate