"Bev" wrote in message
ps.com...

xkatx wrote:
Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...

snipped for space

I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad
bad
situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning
out
just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is
any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are?
Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance
that's
still there?

Kat,

I have been busy , very busy drowning in lifes wonderful ups and downs.
I was sure I am having the toughest time than anyone until I read your
"life". I'm older maybe by ...oh 10 , 15 , er maybe even 20 years LOL!

Heh... I read it all before responding, and it looks like I'm right between
your girls' ages!

You sound like a strong and level headed young woman. What you explain
you are going through with Norm sounds familiar to me. about 20 years
ago I left my then husband with a five year old and six weeks later
found out I was pregnant again from an incident that was not consentual
and the reason I left him that morning. It was very hard , very lonely,
and the best decision I ever made for myself and children. To this day
he is still drinking, and has emotionally hurt our children and still
does.

I think for me, this is the best decision I can make right now, and no
matter what the outcome is, it will be better. If nothing changes, at least
we're out of a crappy situation. If things straighten up and change, I do
believe that this is the only way that will make a change possible. Either
way, the problems are no longer directly involved over here on such a
regular basis.

I know the struggles you are feeling with that Norm is a great
guy when he is clean and sober and this is the man you Love, not the
guy he becomes when he falls.

The problem doesn't seem to be when he's around. It's when he's not around.
Lately, it's that he just comes and goes as he sees fit for him. He takes
off for days and does whatever he wants. He blows all the money, and then
when he feels like coming back, the only months we struggle with bills and
money are those months when he dicks off for a weekend or few days. I see
the pattern, and that's not fair or right. He's not a huge drinker. He
never was. It's just he will go and get drunk when someone asks or mentions
it. Then he takes off and disappears and does his own thing.
With the pot, which IS a major problem, that's the same story, but kind of
different. I have no problem with drinking, as long as you do it
responsibly. Not drunk around kids, not drinking and driving, not blowing
money on it all the time. The only problem with pot that I have is bringing
it into the house and it being around my kids OR coming around the kids
right after. THAT I do have a problem with. I don't want it in the house
and I do not want it, in any shape or form, around the kids ever. I,
personally, know that there's a lot of pot smokers out in the world. I will
and admit now that I've done it on occasion, but those 'on occasion' times
are when I have no children to be around. A weekend rolls around and the
kids go sleep over at my parents' place. It's 11pm, the kids have been in
bed for hours and will sleep until the morning, I've gone out for a quick
smoke and come in the house, had a hot shower and went to sleep. That case
hasn't been often, and it's not something I would ever do often enough, but
in the case of no kids for the night? Hell yea, I've been there, done that.
He seems to see it as just fiine to be high as a kite at 2pm when the kids
are playing or whatever the case may be. NOT at all right as far as I see
it.
He's not crazy, violent, mean, anything like that, it's just the whole idea
of it.

Most times when we are young we make our
decisions from our hearts although our heads are saying something else.
My heart kept me with the clean and sober guy I loved,until the "other"
guy finally convinced my head that my child and I were not safe when he
was around. It is easy for people to tell us what they think we should
do, but until we are ready in our own hearts and heads to make a change
we continue to have an internal war of "what if " and "maybe" he/she
will change.

Now is when I want and need a change. I'm past the point of enough is
enough.

I have a 25 year old daughter and an 18 and a half year
old daughter, I know I can not prevent them from having to learn on
their own sometimes, I do voice my "experienced" opinion, maybe
sometimes even when they do not want it, but 9 times outta 10 they come
back and say "I wish I had listened to your advice".

That's usually the way it is

My step daughter
(34 years old) will be marrying her "alcoholic" fiancee on July 1st, I
have tried to talk to her, long before marriage even came into play,
she acknowledges/(enables) his illness and has chosen to stay in the
life that I am watching her children suffer. I wish she could
understand the damaging effects that alcoholism has on children.

I do see the crap that's going on over here. Slightly different
experiences, yet same ****, different pile in the long run.

Her
three year old has stomped to death a hampster, she didn't even so much
as call her doctor about what he did and the little boy when asked "why
did you do that" stated "to see its guts".

OMG. That's kind of scary. Poor hamster and even poor kid.

Her 14 year old is raging,
hitting on his 10 year old sister , punching walls, sleeping in the
middle of the day, screaming obcentities, outbursts of crying, has told
me all his mom and her fiancee do is yell scream and fight , he does
not want her to marry him or live with him , he is afraid being in his
own home. What I see is she is choosing this man over her children's
health and well being, I suggested she get her children help
immediately, I am considering doing more than just suggesting because I
do not think she hears me.

No, it seems we don't want to hear it until we're ready to admit and see it.
That's pretty much how every person seems to work one way or the other.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the
children must come first, and even though we may think they are too
young to be affected by it, they really are, even infants .Three year
olds killing small mammmals should have had a much more important
reaction than "he didn't mean it" and ignore it. My step daughter is
still thinking with her heart about her partner, not her head and the
damage to her children is showing itself. You are making a very
responsible choice to remove yourself and children into a safer
environment. Please keep thinking with your head with Norm and let him
know you are prepared to go it yourself rather than subject your
children to it. He needs to get help for his inability to stay clean
and sober and responsible to you and the children. Good luck and stand
tall !

Bev

He needs to grow up. That's all there is to it. Needs to be a big boy and
make grown up, big boy decisions. Granted, he could be scared, or
something, but that is not an excuse. Him taking off and doing as he wishes
is not going to make things better. I, still, have an appointment at the
damned welfare office today at 3. I am going there. I really don't care.
I'll jump through their small hoops of fire. I don't care if people will
look down on me, and they can think whatever they want. I see, in a lot of
ways, that I have put myself in this position, but I also know I didn't do
it on my own. To be honest, B and I were like a team together. He came and
then A, and that was good. I made it just fine on my own, with B, for so
long. I was getting gov't help when B was first born, but the next
September, when he was about 7 months old, I went to school and I survived
on student grants and loans. Never went back into the computers in the
system since then. I went to school, then I worked. We did fine. Then I
stopped working and I stayed home with the kids. Norm worked. Again, we
did just fine.
Now I sat thinking last night, and I really do not want this next baby. I
don't want it at all. I have B and A and that seems to be enough, almost.
I wonder if there's something wrong with me, but I just sit in a position
where I really don't want a baby as well. This is going to put me in a
position where I'm not going to be able to work or anything. A can go to
daycare any time now. I could go back to work, but who is going to hire me?
Then finding child care for 3 kids and making enough money? OMG... I don't
even want to think about that... The good thing is, though, at least I can
get some help. It puts me in a situation where I can at least give someone
my big, huge sob story and get all the help I need for as long as I need...
I can't keep going on like this... I've noticed I've lost all my patience.
I snap and find I shout over something small, and that's not fair to anyone,
and it needs to stop NOW.
I have that appointment in 2 hours. I am not going to miss it. I'll do
what they want and how they want, and soon enough, we should be doing
alright. I told Norm about this appointment and my intentions. I know he
knows that maintenance will be on his case, and he knows what that means for
him. I really don't care about that. I know when things settle down,
everything will be easier and better. Nothing can really get worse, it can
only get better, and I'm going to make sure of that!