Nevermind wrote:
This is the 3rd time I've tried responding to this post; hope to see
it posted this time!



What was the point of telling him about it after you had decided he
couldn't go? That just sounds mean -- unless I'm misunderstanding your
post, and you know he DID know about the invitation.


I told him because I'm assuming he will find out
about the invitation the next time he sees the boy.
I felt it would have been mean to tell him *before*
we had decided whether it was even an option. I don't
get that logic. Would you bring out candy to your kids
and say, "So, I'm thinking of letting you have some candy.
Uh, no, I've decided you can't. YANK." Now, THAT sounds
mean to me. Better to decide first whether or not they can
have the candy and then bring it out if they're allowed.
They can then refuse if they want.

Well, it seems to me the two things are completely
different. For a BIG decision, like going away, I
think it helps kids to see how you decide whether
they can or cannot do something. They'll get a
feel for those things that you think are important,
and how you evaluate options and come to make
decisions. They can also learn how to argue a
case. I think those are important skills to
learn. In your case, your child could have learned
about trusting 'gut' feelings over more tangible
arguments. Or they just could've learned about
'Because we're your parents and say so', which I
guess is what he learned here. Seeing the decision
process ongoing is more valuable than talking about
it afterwards, IMO. That seems to be where we
differ.

For trivial things like candy, well, on the rare occasions
when we have candy in the house, and DD or DS ask
if they can have some [they still ask -- wonder how
long that will last ], the first thing I ask
is when they last had candy, when they last ate,
are they really hungry, or just bored. Really, I
can be quite the inquisitor. But they need to
have a good reason, although sometimes 'Just because
I want some' does work. But at least they know
how my convoluted evaluation system works candy

Scott DD 11 and DS 8