Dave wrote:

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...


1) Is Erika getting attention (even if it's negative
attention) for hitting the baby?


Yes, I suppose she does get some attention. I tried my luck at just picking
up the baby and leaving the room, telling Erika that "Daddy doesn't want to
play with girls that hit" which she definitely did not like, to the point of
begging "Daddy stay. I won't hit anymore"... she KNOWS it's wrong. Yet she
does it anyway. She definitely doesn't get MUCH attention at this point;
after so much repetition one would think the pain of punishment outweighs
whatever crumb of pleasure she receives by way of attention.


I don't think she's getting any pleasure at all from
hitting Lindsay. It may be even a little scary and conflicting
for her, which is another reason to make sure that there's
no opportunity for it to happen. I probably wouldn't say
*anything* to Erika. She knows it's wrong. I'd just pick
up the baby and leave, cooing over the baby and lavishing
her with concern and attention without a single backwards
glance at Erika.


I think that's a good point you make... we keep giving Erika the benefit of
the doubt, assuming she'll grow out of this hitting phase and not wanting to
make her feel too bad... also it seems the more of an issue we make of it
the more she does it for the attention. Punishing her as I said seems to
only make the problem worse. Maybe it's time to physically restrain her.
It's tough though to keep her away from the baby at all times, and it makes
us even more worried that Erika will start to think it's some sort of game
and will try even harder.


It is very difficult to keep her away from the baby--
I certainly understand that! Hopefully you won't have to
do it for long. You can do things like:

1) Keep the baby in arms.
2) Put the baby down to play in a playpen/portacrib/etc. that
Erika can't get into (at least not without giving you time
to intercept).
3) Don't allow Erika into the room where the baby is
playing if you can't provide any other security.

When Erika complains about the restrictions, just explain
that you absolutely have to keep Lindsay safe, and this is
the only way you know how, so you're very sorry Erika
can't do X right now--maybe later when you know that
Lindsay won't get hurt. You have to couple this with
still finding time for Erika to have good one-on-one
time with you (i.e., the baby can't be freezing her
out of her parents' lives, even though it will certainly
have an impact on your availability). After a little
while, you also have to start allowing some opportunities
for success. Give Erika some very brief, very highly
supervised opportunities to interact nicely with Lindsay.
If she does well, praise the heck out of her. You *MUST*
make sure she is successful, and you must keep it short
(don't fall into the trap of thinking that she's done
well for five minutes, maybe she's turned over a new leaf,
maybe we'll go a bit longer). Then, very gradually, build
on your successes. Every day you go without her going
after the baby is a step towards success. When she hasn't
hit the baby in a few weeks, the problem will likely be
gone--but if there's a single time she manages to get
a hit/bite/kick/whatever in there, you're back to square
one.


We need to teach Erika (somehow, some way) a constructive, or at least
non-destructive, way to vent her frustrations. Funny thing is, I think she
LIKES Lindsay. Last night at the swimming pool she asked me if perhaps next
time we come we could bring Lindsay. And she will sometimes spontaneously
bring a favorite toy over and let Lindsay play with it without being asked.


Sure, she probably *does* like Lindsay very much. This
isn't about liking or disliking Lindsay. In all likelihood, if
there's anyone she has problems with, it's you or her mother--
but she knows better than to take it out on you directly ;-)
And yes, you do need to teach her how to deal with her
frustrations more constructively. Give her specific suggestions
and role play them--frequently. Ask her to collaborate with
you in coming up with alternatives. That often helps.

Best wishes,
Ericka