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Old September 15th 07, 04:58 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Leslie
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Posts: 185
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

On Sep 14, 7:43?am, Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...


I think that you are right about not really being rational at this
point.


I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.


Your depression (yes, I agree with everyone else--you are VERY
depressed and as I live with a depressed person I know what I am
talking about) is affecting your self-esteem. If your kids are as you
say, you are probably doing plenty of things right. Unless you are
abusing your children the way you parent them is not your
acquaintances' business.


All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously.


Again, I agree that he should be evaluated. Perhaps your depression
or the stress in your marriage has affected him, or perhaps he has an
organic problem. Maybe counseling would help him.

DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.).


These are terrible reasons for staying in a marriage, but then again
your reasons for wanting out of the marriage are worse, IMO.

I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve.


They won't improve unless you take steps to improve them.

?We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional


Then you are lucky. You have a lot going for you.

except that I'm so unhappy with him


Why?

(he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too).


Annoyance is pretty normal in a marriage.

?I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance).

?It would be very expensive ?and I
think would be futile, ultimately.


These are all excuses. We see a counselor for $15 a week at the local
university. Your insurance also may cover it. If money is a problem,
some places will let you pay on a sliding scale. Or if you attend
church your clergyperson is trained in counseling, typically.

?And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.


That's not what happens in counseling.


I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents).


Again, depression talking.

I don't have any local family or
close friends.


You need some desperately. You need to find a mom's group or some
sort of support group.


I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.


I'm not in a place to advise you on this, but I *think* this is still
depression talking. I know someone who felt the same during her
pregnancy and even made contact with an agency; things changed, she
kepy the baby, and she's happy she did.


5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.


As well they should. Were I you, I'd probably keep the baby for that
reason alone.



Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?


You've done right to come here. PLEASE get some help for yourself
before you make any more major decisions!

Leslie