Thanks Kate,

You sound like you have your act together! Your perspective is
refreshing.

Believe me, I know about the effort of college and have just completed
a Masters. At 51 my strength is waning a bit though and I tend to
overdo it - including the worrying..

But now after 7+ years of divorce, it is time for "me." ...A good job,
a good life, and you are right ...in a year or two, a smaller place to
live.

Fond regards,
Nan




'Kate wrote:
On 1 Sep 2006 08:57:51 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:

Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+
teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing
else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she
doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet
to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so
I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family
counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone
know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting
very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am
afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a
long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan

I think you have things backwards. You do what you have to do to sustain
your lifestyle first. You do not need a perfect home to work. All you
need to do is get yourself ready and walk out the door. She's 19 years
old not 19 months old. She can feed herself and do her own laundry. She
can clean up her own messes. If she doesn't, then either live with it,
clean it yourself, or tell her to clean it. If she makes an effort at
all, even if it is not up to your standards, do not criticize her. Live
with the job she did. Next time, if she does a better job, notice it and
praise her for it (small praise for small jobs.... more praise for a
better job... a treat for a job really well done).

You will have to become more tolerant of messes. You may have to learn
that Monday through Friday, the house will get messier. You'll end up
spending a larger part of the weekend cleaning and getting yourself
ready... but that's life.

She's going to college. Count your blessings that she's smart enough to
and wants to. Going to college is hard work. It takes energy to sustain
a high level of concentration. I've gotten out of weightlifting classes
energized but math classes drained... that's just how it goes. It may
seem like it takes very little effort to just sit, listen, and take
notes but it doesn't. That's her job... getting good grades. It keeps
her scholarship going. Later, she can find more scholarships to apply
for and earn even more.

When you're at your wits end, take a deep breath. Blow bubbles. Find
what makes your heart sing and spend time doing it. If housework does
that for you, then great... everyone wins. If you're like most people,
it isn't. Limit your cleaning time to 45 minutes per weekday and 3 hours
on the weekend. Put the music on loud and get it done. If you can't get
everything done in that amount of time (excluding laundry), you need a
smaller home.... you have too much crap to clean.

Simplify your life. Get rid of knick knacks that need dusting. You're a
working woman. Knick knacks are not for you.

Get rid of everything you haven't used in a year. You don't need it.

Subscribe to flylady.com ... probably at yahoo now. She'll get you
organized so that you're not spending all your time doing what you don't
like to do.

And get a bottle of bubbles.

'Kate