In article , illecebra wrote:
Dorms have their good and bad points. I'm not saying there shouldn't be
dorms, I'm saying that it should be a choice.

I'm in agreement, at least in part. For many students, choices should
be introduced gradually, rather than all at once. It makes sense for
some kids to be required to live in a dorm for a year, as half-way
step toward running their own household.


| What the parents are comfortable with *is* important for many college
| decisions, since the parents are usually footing the bill, which is
| now substantial (Stanford costs about $41,000 a year for tuition,
| room, and board, not counting books, supplies, computers, ...).

Yes, it's a lot of money. I'll shell out whatever I can to help my son
through college, if that's what he wants to do. However, I don't
believe that that support should be conditional on him doing everything
the way I would like him to.

I've seen more young people flunk college, become clinically depressed,
or worse, because they were doing as their parents wanted. A lot of
parents care a lot more about what they are comfortable with than for
what's good for their kids. Others are just totally out of touch with
college life.

I knew countless young men and women in college who majored in things
they had no interest in and little talent for, who joined Fraternities
and Sororities that put them through hell, who lived in dorms or society
houses they hated, and all sorts of awful things... all because their
parents threatened to pull the plug on their education. What's worse is
that, until one turns 26 (or has 2 years of leases to prove they have
been living on their own, dorms don't count), one is not able to even
apply for financial aide without parental help and consent, and one's
parents' income is still held against them when qualifying.

I have seen students mae miserable trying to live their parents'
expectations rather than their own dreams---how could I not as an
engineering professor? Wise parents will give kids gentle guidance
rather than force them to do things that they hate. I've also seen
kids fail rather dramatically from being given more freedom than they
had the maturity to cope with.

Yes, lots of young people screw up a little when living on their own for
the first time. At least if the mistakes are theirs, they're more
likely to learn from them than if they are forced to live as their
parents choose. The ones who are used to having almost this much
freedom at home (those whose parents have been dishing out
responsibility a bit at a time since they were young) do a lot better
than those who've been coddled.

Some kids screw up more than a little. Deaths from suicide and from
alcohol-related injuries are appallingly common (far more common than
the bike accidents that so many parents fear so much for their kids).

The hard thing for a parent is to know how much guidance to give and
how much slack to leave so that the kids learn to make wise decisions.
Both too much control and too little can have severe consequences, and
the right amount is different for different kids. Luckily, the
optimum is fairly broad, and most parents do well enough and the kids
learn fast enough that things work out ok in the end.

------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
Professor of Biomolecular Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
(Senior member, IEEE) (Board of Directors, ISCB)
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Affiliations for identification only.