I have a routine with my daughter. I tell her what should she should do or
stop doing 3 times.
The first time as it occurs to me. I try to give her an explanation or any
other facts that are pertinent to the request. The second time I make sure I
have her attention and I speak clearly. The third time, if she still
refuses, I swing into action. I take away any item in question or I remove
her from the scene, quickly and without fanfare. I have paid for meals in
restaurants and left without eating them. I have left family dinners. She
has been picked up and brought home from friends' houses. My objective in
removing her is twofold - 1 - it shows her that I'm not kidding and no
matter how much I am enjoying myself, her behaviour makes it impossible to
continue and we leave. I won't be held hostage to the fact that other people
are watching. Once I decide to leave, no amount of backtracking on her part
affects the decision. We go home and she spends time in her room. The second
point is just as important. 2 - I will not subject my friends or even
strangers to a badly behaved child. It is not pleasant to be around a kid
who is saucy, or backtalking or screaming. I don't feel it's fair to make
others put up with it while I argue and negotiate with my child. This
approach means I miss some stuff I would like to do/see, and my daughter
misses stuff I would like her to do/see. I figure this is part and parcel of
being a parent. No one said it would be all fun. I've been doing this since
she was about 2 or 3. Now she is 12. We very seldom have this problem, but
when we do, I can't physically remove her from the scene. So, if she argues
and won't agree to leave with me, I leave without her ( only if we're
somewhere safe for her). She gets the message that I don't want to be seen
with her while she's behaving this way. It's not acceptable.
Most of the time I am proud of her behaviour and manners and am happy to
take her places and be seen with her. I always comment on it so she has
positive re-enforcement. She's a pleasure to spend time with.
Works for us.

Nancy (lurker with just a singleton)


"Andrea" wrote in message
...
Judging from my children's behavior today, I feel like I must be in dire
need
of some serious parenting help. I don't know what to do. I'm hoping that
someone here can give me some advice.

I took Jordan & Madison with me to a Kelly's Kids show at a friend's house
so I
could make sure I ordered the right size dresses for them. My friend took
them
up to her daughter's playroom so they could play while I looked around.
When
it was time to go I told them to clean up because we had to go visit their
cousin. They both threw tantrums. They were screaming and crying and
wouldn't
clean up. We finally got the playroom cleaned up and went downstairs. I
told
them to say "thank you" to my friend for letting them play in the
playroom.
They refused to say it. I thanked her, and since I didn't want to cause
another scene or get into a power struggle I didn't push the issue. When
we
were walking out I saw another friend of mine, whom Jordan & Madison also
know.
She said hello to them and I told them to reply by telling her hi. They
pouted and refused to say it and Madison even told me "NO!" By this time
I was
completely mortified. Of course there were about 5 other people there
that I
also know, who were witnessing my kids' belligerence.

When we got to the car I told the girls that I was disappointed in their
behavior and that they should have thanked Miss Jamie for letting them
play and
told Miss Cindy hello when she spoke to them. In the past I have told
them
over and over that they need to say "hi" when someone says hello to them.
etc.,
etc.

Afterwards we were having lunch with a friend of mine at Applebees. When
we
got inside the girls saw they had balloons and they started yelling to
the
hostess "I want a red balloon!" "I want a blue balloon!" I told them
they
were being rude and that they needed to say "please" and ask nicely. Once
again I was completely mortified. I realize they're still young, but I
don't
speak to people this way and they know they're not supposed to speak to
people
like that either! I was completely shocked. I thought about telling them
they
weren't going to get a balloon, but after I corrected them they did ask
the
hostess again politely.

So we're sitting down in the restaurant and the girls are being sooooo
loud.
My friend and I keep telling them to use their inside voices, but they
continued to be loud. Then they started fighting over the crayons and
trying
to kick each other under the table! Jordan started grabbing all the
crayons so
that Madison couldn't have any and at that point I took her to the
restroom and
had a chat with her. She started screaming and crying as soon as I picked
her
up from the table and we had to stay in the restroom for about 15 minutes
until
she settled down and was ready to listen. I would have taken them & left
the
restauraunt if my friend had not been with us. After that their behavior
improved somewhat.

Then tonight after I had bathed them and washed their hair Madison went
into
the bathroom and brushed her teeth by herself, got water and toothpaste
everywhere, and ate I don't know how much toothpaste (according to her it
was
"a lot"). There was blue toothpaste all in her hair, on her pajamas, the
mirror, sink, and counters. We've told her over and over that she needs a
grown-up to help her brush her teeth and that she's not supposed to eat
the
toothpaste. I thought it was out of her reach, but apparently I was
wrong.

So anyway, Dh reads the tube and says that it states we should call Poison
Control if it's been ingested. So I called them (Madison's name's already
on
file with them) and they said to make her drink 6-8 oz. of milk and to
check on
her every 15-30 minutes for the next 6 hours. The woman said Madison
would
probably end up with a stomach ache and to call her back if she started
throwing up excessively. So far she's been fine (knock wood).

Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with rude behavior in public?
If
we had been at home I would have told them to do to time-out in their
rooms
until they were ready to be nice, but I am obviously having trouble
dealing
with this type of behavior in public. We go out to eat for lunch once or
twice
per week, so eating in a restaurant is not a new experience for them and I
think it's important that they learn to behave in that setting. I don't
expect
them to sit there silently and use impeccable table manners, but I do
think
they should be able to act somewhat civilized. I always bring crayons or
something for them to do quietly while we are waiting for our food, but
this
isn't helping. Any suggestions? I feel like a parental failure today.


Thank You,
Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
3/22/00