View Single Post
  #6  
Old June 7th 06, 03:08 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"Tiffany" wrote in message
news:g%zhg.6542$Id2.1503@trnddc03...

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 05:58:13 GMT, "xkatx" the following
was posted in blue dry erase marker:

Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...

Saturday... Sucked. Norm went to 'work' but as usual, nothing but a lie.
Came home at his convenience, bla bla bla. We ended up getting into a
fairly heated argument about lying and trust and all that, and then to
cut
that short, 8am Sunday morning, it's like he's watching the clock and
takes
off downstairs. I ended up getting up with him, as I find I always do no
matter what, and almost instantly, he's outside dicking around with his
pos
bike 'fixing' it... B was off at my parents' place since Saturday
afternoon
(spent the night there) and A was still fast asleep. I figured she
wouldn't
be up until close to 10, as we had a fairly late night the night
before... I
then suggested we go upstairs, maybe a nice hot shower and then crawl
back
into bed. He tells me that sounds like a fine idea and he's done with
the
bike, go start the shower, he'll be right up.

I start the shower and wait about 5 minutes and guess who's not there? I
run downstairs back out to the yard to see if he's going to be a while -
no
sense leaving the shower run if he figures he's going to be at the bike
for
another 10 or 15 minutes... He's gone. As if I didn't know this, though,
because I did. I had a feeling that morning since 8am when he magically
woke up before 11am. So, I head back upstairs, get in the shower and
have a
nice hot shower. I was thinking (although I didn't believe it) that
maybe
he just went to the gas station to fill the bike's tires up as he had
mentioned the day before, or maybe he was just taking the bike out for a
quick spin. As if I really believed that though.

All Sunday, MIA, as usual. Doesn't come home, doesn't call, nothing.

He left his bank card with me the night before, so later Sunday afternoon
I
hit Walmart and get diapers and all that - stuff he knew we needed.
Fairly
uneventful afternoon and evening, and I had a pretty good sleep... Woke
up
once to visit the washroom and...

6am Monday morning, I wake up when the phone rings, thinking it better be
an
emergency for someone to wake me up half an hour-45 minutes before I have
to
wake up to get B off to school... It's the boss. Ha. He asks if Norm's
up
and about yet - he's on his way. I simply said I have no idea if Norm's
up,
although I doubt he would be. Obviously confused, the boss is wondering
what I mean. I, for the first time, didn't lie or cover for Norm, as I
have
in the past - oh, he's sick this morning... He was up all night sick...
Whatever. This time, I simply said I have no idea where he is, I really
don't care where he is, he took off 9am on Sunday and hasn't been seen or
heard from since. I did apologize to the boss, but whatever. Not my
business, problem or concern. The boss sounded fairly ripped with his,
"F*ck, whatever. Thanks." I told him I'd pass along a message should I
hear from Norm, which I also told him I doubted I would.
So, Norm's got the maturity level of a bag of shelled peanuts. Didn't
even
have the respect or decency to call his boss and even say something like,
"Man, I'm so sorry, ****'s hit the fan and I just need a bit of time... I
just need a day or two (or however long) to get things back in order..."
or,
"I hate to do this to you, but I'm staying at this address... Would you
be
able to pick me up from there for work?" Even, "Gee, I'm not at home
right
now and I am going to be walking/taking the bus/riding a bike to work, so
I
might be a bit later if it takes me a bit longer to get there, but I will
be
at work." Nothing. Didn't call the boss, didn't care that he knows the
boss would be calling the house when he was on his way in the morning.
Oh,
duh, I'm not even there! Maybe I'll avoid wasting HIS time and having
him
call and wake the house up at 6am!

So, anyways, obviously didn't go to work on Monday. Monday night, we had
my
brother's birthday... We were supposed to go over there for dinner... I
called my brother earlier in the afternoon to wish him a quick happy
birthday, and he asked who's all coming... I told him I would be coming
with
the kids... Who else would be coming? He asked if Norm was going to make
it
(seems my brother really does like him and they seem to get along real
well)
and I felt horrible, but my bro sounded a bit hurt, almost, when he asked
about Norm and I told my brother that Norm most likely won't be there, as
I
haven't a clue where he is, and I'm not going to beg him to come to the
birthday, obviously... Anyways, birthday went just fine, until about 530
or
so when my dad hears there's a voice mail on my cell... My dad heard my
diaper bag talking to him as he walked in the door, and I saw I had a
message... I saw it was Norm's mom calling, and since the day before I
had
called her to ask her for a phone number, I thought maybe she was getting
back to me once she got home from work. No, I didn't have the brains to
check the message first, I just picked up my mom's phone and called her
back. It was Norm. I told him right up I was sorry I called, I had
thought
maybe it was his mom returning my call. He said he left me a message,
and
he wants his money and his bank card, and he wants it now. Sorry about
your
luck, hon, but I'm on the other side of the city, and the steaks are done
and we are all sitting down to eat... Then there's cake and presents as
well, sucks to be you. He just keeps bitching about his money (that I
took
almost all of it out to get diapers and pay the rent and all that)...
Anyways, I eventually check my voice mail, and he leaves a nasty message
of
how he expects I will be dropping his bank card and money off at his
mom's
house, but he will not be there when I drop it off. I ended up talking
to
him for a little, asking him if all he really cares about is his bloody
bank
card and money, and I told him I was not going to drop everything to
bring
him his card. He knows where my mom lives, he knows where we live. I
told
him I am NOT going to run around the city chasing after him at his every
call, since the last time we did that 4 months ago, B was seriously
injured
and coulda, shoulda, woulda, we all could have been dead. During the
phone
conversation, about 15 minutes long, he calms down and becomes human
again.
He tells me to call him back 'when I'm done' - I told him if he wants to
talk to me, HE can call me. He knows our phone number, he knows the cell
number. HE can call, and I told him to call. Any time after 8 when the
cell is free to call and talk on. He said he'd call right around 8pm
that
night.

Did he call? Of course not! Did I expect him to call? Do you really
think
I'm still that stupid??

So, that brings us to today, Tuesday. To date, he has yet to call. He
has
yet to show up or anything like that. Do I really care? Not really, but
maybe a bit... I was talking to a girl friend last night, and then again
this morning, and we had a good talk. I decided I was going to swallow
my
pride. I went down, this morning, to the damned welfare office and made
an
appointment. At this point, no one is going to hire me to work. I'm
sick
of Norm coming and going as he pleases, having everything on HIS terms.
For
the next little while, I am going to swallow my pride and get help and
get
back on my feet. Show him I don't *need* him for us to survive. At
least
for a while, I'll have that small bit of security that rent will get
paid...
Bills won't pile up, food will be on the table for meals, there will be
diapers...

I came home, around 1115am, and I see there's a few messages left for me
on
M$N... All from guess who! He said something along the lines of, "I
really
don't know what to say" - "I miss the kids" - "I miss you :'("
(something
like that) I replied back, simply, that I can't tell him what to say or
what he should say. I miss him too, and both the kids surely miss him,
but
this is nothing new. You know how to contact me, and all it takes is a
phone call if you just want to touch base. I'm not in the mood to fight
or
make demands. He didn't reply, and come 6ish when his mom gets home from
work, he was logged off and she signed in. No more him since the
morning.
No calls, again, even when I was gone, no more messages or anything.
MIA,
as usual.
I then talked to my mom a bit earlier, and after a few minutes, she then
told me I should be going down to the welfare place. I didn't tell her
earlier today I already had, I said I would do this tomorrow. The good
thing that she said, and that I had already thought of, was I would then
not
need to try and fight maintenance enforcement. Welfare will do that
dirty
work for me. I also need to get the maintenance for B upped - he's
getting
damn expensive - and get something in place for A. Welfare will do both
of
those things, and they will do it faster and more efficiently, and I
should
just be able to wait it out. With B's maintenance payments raised and
with
something in order for A, bye bye to welfare... I believe I could make it
on
that alone (this is assuming something can be changed, and hopefully go
for
the max amount) until I can get back in school and working, which I
definitely plan to do, but obviously can't really consider just yet.

So anyways, that brings me to where I am right now. Sure, I feel so
tired
of everything, and yes, I do love the jerk, although I do not love the
jerkish things he does. As of now, I've had a lot of time to sit and
think... Where am I? Where should I be? Where do I want to be? How do
I
make it work for me, and the kids? Right now, I have it all planned -
but
then again, when do plans ever really pan out exactly how you want and
like
them to???

He's gone. I made that clear to him on Monday. I don't want or need him
back here, and he can now take some time to decide what he wants. He can
see and do what it takes for him to make his own decisions like a big
boy.
If that takes 2 months, fine. If it takes 6 months, fine. If it never
happens, well, at least I will know that, and there's no reason for this
crap to happen. It doesn't do anyone any good at all. Let him go, set
him
free. I need it, he needs it. Everyone needs that right now more than
ever. This time, though, it's going to be on MY terms. He's going to
have
to prove anything he says, because, quite frankly, I'm not going to buy
his
bs stories any more. I'm not going to give him my trust - he's lost it
one
time now too many, and trust is something he now has to earn back and he
has
to prove he wants and needs. I'm going to play it safe. I am thinking
I'll
just lay low and see where things go.

Now, let's just say for argument's sake, he stays gone for oh, 3 months
(keep it simple). He does everything he can to gain and earn and keep
trust... Maybe he drops by to visit with the kids, and even me, maybe
has
supper but goes wherever his home may be at the time... He helps put the
kids to bed, maybe we watch some TV, both get tired and he heads off
home.
He goes to work every day and doesn't blow money - on stupid things,
video
games, booze, drugs, eating out at restaurants every day - just becomes
more
responsible in the sensible way... Provides money to help with life -
maybe
swings by with some groceries for all of us to have supper and a bag of
diapers... This goes on for some time, things (obviously best case
scenario)
seem to be great. He calls when he says he'll call, he shows up when he
says he'll come visit, he'll take the kids to the part when he promises
them
that, whatever... Then, I guess, see how it goes... Maybe things will
change
and almost be like a new start. Keep in mind, best case scenario...
Maybe
consider some individual councilling, maybe try the couples one or maybe
even a family therapist of some sort... Is this kind of expectation
unrealistic? Is it possible for things to be downright horrible, yet
saved
somehow?

I just think best case scenario is he pulls his socks up and grows up.
Worst case scenario is he doesn't, but at least we'll be out of it all
and
don't have constant **** to dig out of all the time. Middle ground would
be
he turns out to be an awesome part time dad - like if we just keep to
being
civil and loving and not really together. For now, I said, this is a
break.
He said he agreed. I had told him straight up that I am NOT and I will
not
be looking for someone else, someone better, someone new - this is the
truth. He told me he would never do that either and that he misses me
and
does love me, but right now, things aren't good - I did agree, and that
is
one thing I do trust him on.

I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad
bad
situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning
out
just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is
any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are?
Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance
that's
still there?


I think you've got your head on straighter than it's been in awhile.
Pregnancy will do that. I've known more than a handful of women who
straightened things out for themselves while in "nesting" mode. We sure
do a lot for our kids.

I can't argue with you on what's going on and how harmful it is for the
family to have a sometimes daddy. I hope that he can pull himself up and
commit to staying clean, keeping a job, and being faithful. I think it
can happen and it does happen often. Men sometimes run a little scared
when there's a baby due too. Maybe some of this is because of that. It
was one thing when the kids weren't "his" ... I don't know. Just
throwing stuff out there for you to ask him about.

I do believe that the turmoil that you're in is going to be more
productive than the stuck feeling that you lived with for so long. I
don't know if Norm is going to be able to straighten up. I think he can.
I hope he does.

I think counseling is a good idea (of course I would). I think you
should go too. And if you want to aim toward saving the relationship in
time, then see a Marriage/Family Therapist. The training is better for
dealing with multiple problems. Norm has had a rough time of getting his
life together and keeping it together and they know the way to figure
out how that happens for him - to get to the core issues. And they will
help you to uncover whatever it is that makes your relationships take
the path they've taken.

You are an amazing young woman. Have I told you that? You have your
family's support. You have support here too.

Hugs,
'Kate



I would agree that he can change if this pattern hasn't been established
already. He will change but not for xkatx. Just my two sense.


I just think he can and will change only if he wants to. He needs to do
that the most for himself. If a person makes changes about or for themself,
then those involved will be directly affected. This is change for the good
or bad. I can't *make* him change. There's no way I can just say, "Hey,
you're being an asshat. Change it now!" because that's not going to be how
anything happens. I can, and have, said that the way things are right now
are not acceptable. I can also make the general household rules - the ones
that stick for me, him, the kids - like, meals are made, dishes are done,
toys are picked up, bed time is this time, whatever. The 'rules' for hiim
and I would be the same, basically, where there's no need or excuse for
outward lying, no sneaking around, no drugs in or around the house, no
getting wasted when the kids are home... Whatever it may be (this is
assuming you're in a 'family' situation, obviously)
Even if a generally undesirable pattern has been has been set and in act for
a long time, still, patterns can be changed, and obviously expecting a
correction in behavior or actions is not ideal or realistic - I think of
B... He went through a biting stage. Very inappropriate and not right.
That took some work, but it changed and he does not bite. He also went
through a hitting stage. That also took a lot of effort, but that pattern
was altered and he doesn't hit when angry. I used to spend my nights out
and about. That all changed when I had a baby to get up with at night and a
child to care for. Things can change, but, you have to want to make those
personal changes for yourself, or no?