On Wed, 24 Jan 2007 07:39:31 EST, "Claire Petersky"
wrote:

My brother's step-daughter, D, for various reasons, is not able to really
care for her oldest son, S, at this time. S just turned 14. My brother and
sister-in-law signed papers a week ago and he is going to be living with
them. S has stayed with them on a semi-long-term basis before (several
months at a time), but this is permanent. His two younger brothers, ages 7
and 8, will stay with their mom. Their dad, divorced from D, is in the
military and is deployed overseas.

To be honest, I really don't know S that well. I haven't had a lot of
contact with D and her kids, and I think I only met her ex at their wedding.
At the same time, I think it would be hard to face up to the fact that your
mom is just not doing the job of being a mother to you, and having to leave
your mother and brothers for your own sake.

I would like to do something for S, but I just don't know what it should be.
Do you have any ideas for me that I could float to my brother? They do not
live locally, so it would have be something I could do at a distance.

That sounds very hard. I'm glad that your brother and s-i-l are able
to do this. It certainly pushes my oldest-child-myself buttons,
thinking about how it would feel to be elsewhere when the little ones
are still with mum.

I'd tend to look mostly for ways to support your brother and the
family from a distance and indirectly, rather than anything that a
touchy unsettled 14yo is going to take as stranger-charity or as you
making a bigger deal out of this move than he would like to. Does
your brother's household need a hand-me-down computer or assistance
getting it connected to the internet in a teen-appropriate way?

One thing I would do if I were you - in fact, what I did do, when a
relative to whom I hadn't been close acquired step-children - is to
chatter a bit more to your brother and s-i-l about your own children,
particularly about things they're struggling with. He may not have
many other friends who are currently parents of young teens. And
you're in a position to say stuff like "Oh, yeah, the boys in my
daughter's class all do that / wear that too."

Louise