View Single Post
  #10  
Old October 14th 07, 08:24 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
ReadyMommy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

On Oct 3, 9:17 am, wrote:
On Sep 14, 10:01 am, "Lucy-lu" wrote:





"Almost 40" wrote in message


oups.com...


I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...


I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.


All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.


We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.


I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.


I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.


My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.


5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.


Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?


Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might
well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very
bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in
a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone.


Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I
discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not
for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time,
even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing)
when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're
dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore,
looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were
dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and
children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done,
you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to
look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working
together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work
together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him.


In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really
goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged
down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor.
It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you,
especially at the moment.


As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's
decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't
discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it
helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from
the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never
ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the
child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our
relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I
am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're
going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I
didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in
pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm
trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier.


Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd
love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs*


Lucy x


Hello !! God Bless You!!! you sound so distraught!!! Adoption isnt a
bad thing .....trust me I know.....my Husband and I adopted a
beautiful baby boy 2 years ago!!! We would love the oppurtunity to
adopt again.....I have had failed IVF also....I cant have
children.....when I was 17 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer....I
had to have my ovaries removed.....you have to follow your heart and
do what is best for you and the baby......i will pray for you.....if
you would like to talk to me please email me at
care....Laura- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -



If you are considering an adoption plan, please think about talking
with me. I'm a want-to-be-Mommy with a lifelong dream of adopting a
baby. I have been desperately trying to adopt and am hoping and
praying for the right situation to come along very soon. More about
me and my desire to adopt is here (www.myspace.com/adoption2007) -- I
am very open to an "open adoption" (including letters, photos, and
visits). I have so much love to give to a child; I have a beautiful
home; live in a wonderful community; and have so much family
support. If you'd like to chat about all of this, I can be reached at
-- wishing you peace and support during this
difficult time.