Hello there, thanks so much for your take on my situation. I really enjoyed
hearing about the African lady. I find that recently I am very curious
about the way people in other parts of the world raise their children. I
can totally see how a village would be most useful when raising a child. I
wish I had more close friends to ask for help. Most of my friends are
casual friends that I see about once a month. I totally agree that I need a
walk in the woods. I live in the most beautiful province in Canada, and I
am an avid hiker. But since I had a c-section, I have been very slow to
regain my strength and stamina. I go for a walk every day, but that tires
me out a great deal. I do have a lovely husband that takes the baby
whenever he can, or if I need a break. At this point, the thing I want most
during my alone time is to sleep.
Your uncle was a great man for doing that. I don't know of many brothers
who would offer such support to their sister after a new baby. That's
wonderful that your mother also keeps up the favour by helping other
mothers.
I have learned a lot from the various responses to posting, more from
others' experiences than the actual advice because a great deal of these
ideas I already employ. But it's good to get some new perspective, and
there are a few good ideas that I haven't tried yet, or that I wouldn't have
thought of. Thanks again,
Alicia


I spent this weekend at a conference where the main speaker was an
African woman talking about the rituals and beliefs and practices of her
tribe. She said that we may have heard that it takes a village to raise
a child. "It doesn't, really," she said. "It takes a village to keep a
parent sane." Most people laughed, but I could see that others who,
like me, felt more like crying! Sanity can be difficult to hold onto
when you are raising children.

Your situation is a prime example of where the lack of a village makes
retaining sanity extremely difficult. What you really need is to hand
the baby to someone else, and go for a walk in the woods. You need an
hour or an afternoon or maybe even a whole day where you know someone
else who loves your baby as much as you do will tend to her every need,
while you do an art project or listen to some great music or read a book
-- or just take a nap. You need to tend to your own spiritual and
emotional health to be the great mother you will be.

Mom tells me that when I was a baby there was an afternoon that had been
very bad. I was crying, she was crying and holding me and feeling like
an inept mother, when her older brother came to visit. He took me from
her, and ordered her out of the house for at least 1/2 an hour; that
gave her a chance to NOT listen to me cry, and by the time she came back
I was asleep, and she felt better. She, in turn, continues to do this
as often as she can when she sees a young mother who is obviously
stressed out by a crying baby.

If you have any relatives or close friends near by, don't be afraid to
reach out and ask for help: tell them exactly what you've said here,
and ask if they can come and give you a respite. The baby will be fine
without nursing for an hour or so, and you can get out of hearing range:
listening to a baby cry when it is not going to stop is extraordinarily
stressful!

If you don't have anyone who can do that, I hope you have a second
parent; if so, whenever he or she comes home, you need to turn the baby
over to them for a break for yourself.

If there is noone -- if you are a single parent -- you need to reach
out and somewhere, somehow, find other people who can help you.

In the meantime, crying alone for a while won't do him irrepairable
harm, and you and he will attach just fine.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care