127.0.0.1 wrote:

Remember those piano lessons when you were a kid, or some such "torture"
that you absolutely hated. Probably survived it just by forgetting it as
quickly as possible? For me it was dishes. Lots of dishes. Seems whenever I
got into trouble I had to do the dishes. For 9+ people, three meals a day
(plus snacks for 7 kids), plus the cooking stuff. That meant drying them and
putting them away. (Looking back now, maybe my siblings got me into some of
that trouble on purpose LOL!) I HATED dishes! This was pre-dishwasher on the
market much less imagining affording one.

But ... I SURE got good at dishes! Realized it years later. Now I don't like
'em or hate 'em, I just do them when they need to be done. At one point,
hating them so much, I even read an article in one of my mother's mags that
gave tips on how to do them faster and easier and put it into practice. To
this day I do NOT appreciate having had to do all those dishes! but I
learned that some things just have to be done, get thru it, and get on with
life.

My kid doesn't do dishes; with her, it's a battle to get her to put it on
the counter, rinsed, stacked whatever. But this isn't about dishes.

I am a stickler for communicating. I have reasons that clear ongoing
communication has to happen in my house. Good reasons. Also, with computers
being part of life for a long! time, written communication, and
understanding what you read and applying it, seems even more important to me
that kids learn early.

February starts major task lists in our house for her; she will have a check
off daily of what she's supposed to do, and as we go it will be written out
in detail so I won't hear "You didn't tell me that!" and such. I put a lot
of work into it. But it doesn't solve the problem of HER communication with
me. I've taken care of letting her know as clearly as I possibly can what is
expected of her, but getting feedback involves 20 questions (more like 50,
and you still don't get an answer!) Forget about having a conversation! When
you ask, "Did you understand that?" (answer, "sure" but she can't repeat it
back) and "What are you thinking while I'm talking to you?" (answer, "How
can I get out of this conversation"), I certainly don't have the stamina to
figure out her train of thought on anything else.

So I've tried getting her to write ... you name it, a journal, letters to
family or her dad, pen pals, ANYTHING. Even did the assigned question thing,
which, when she acted like she didn't understand what a piece of paper was,
got to the point I had her writing out words she claimed to not understand
(like "behavior" which was a good one), or to clarify what she did
understand. (I really liked that exercise! Wish I could keep her doing it!)
I did the checklist thing ... what did you do today, how do you feel about,
etc. All have been failures over the past year. She does it a couple of
times, then causes a serious problem or disruption to avoid it.

THIS time, she has to write 30 minutes before dinner or no dinner until its
done. If not done by bedtime, oh well. Otherwise she NEVER finishes a 1-2
paragraph page!

I've searched online for journal writing stuff for kids, but haven't really
found anything that seems close or even right for this type of thing. I
don't want to do the checklist thing again, but she's really too young (10)
to give her the essay with too few restrictions. Its not that she can't
write. She'll sit and write up part of an imaginary story just to entertain
herself. But she can't communicate! She's done better in the past at
focusing when she's writing to one of her buddies (reason for the penpal
idea, which she blew off!), but usually then its about things I really can't
comprehend at all.

Seeking suggestions for a daily journal entry, and another entry (in the
morning she has 20-30 minutes waiting for the bus) where she will write out
what happened that day (just short sentences, to focus on the tangible here
and now, not somewhere in her imagination), or what she will do after
school. I don't know. I really don't care what its about as much as her
gaining some experience in structure to communicate her thoughts clearly ...
and to stick to reality enough to communicate to ME things she's supposed
to.

Example: About Nov. she came home and said something about having "played
bells today" (she's in band at school). Okay. Bells are a percussion
instrument, she's in percussion, although I specifically had signed her up
for drums. Bought her book, sticks, the stuff. No mention of any more. First
week of January she's complaining. Drums are too easy, bells are too hard,
and besides she can't ever practice the bells because she doesn't have one
at home, and by the way the teacher has some for sale for just $200!!! Turns
out they had switched her to bells (back in Nov?) but neither the school nor
the kid bothered to clearly let me know this. Guess I was supposed to be
telephathic and go out and buy such a thing (I'm not even sure WHAT she was
playing) or something. I had/have a number of issues with the band
instructor about this whole thing. Problem is, this is the type of
communication I get from her, and it can't happen. I've been put in tight
spots because of it and then get hassled by the school (or someone else
depending on the situation) for not keeping up my responsibility. My
perspective is that the adult shouldn't ASSUME the child is going to pass
the info along to the parent, and should verify that its happening. But
also, the kid needs to learn to communicate to ME. Part of the reason she's
restricted is for a few failures to communicate thru the holidays.

Does this make sense? Any suggestions?

Without being too harsh - read most of your post - I got the idea that
that it is a one way street. You are communicating to her but she is
not
communicating to you. There is only one reason that anyone, regardless
of age,
doesn't communicate with someone. And that is because the person
listening
doesn't want to hear it. It doesn't sound like you are listening.

Let me give you an example. At 50 years of age I have lived long enough
and
have experienced enough of life that when I pass anyone particularly
much younger,
by the language they use, the body movement and expressions, you can
tell pretty much what
they are thinking and talking about. You don't need to hear lots of
conversations or read lots of journals. I work with a young women who
is tired all the time and says she does nothing all weekend and at other
times.
Well, I know, without her even telling me that she is doing what young
people do
24/7. She is also not eating properly because she has been taught be
society
to watch her figure until wedding and first born have been acquired.
Work
related conversations, how she views others and how she tells stories
about
things she reads, sees, or otherwise experiences tells you everything
you
need to know.

You daughter is going to be the person she is going to be whether you
like it
in part, in whole or not. You have the option of being supportive and
enjoying
it, whatever, it is, or of being left out in the cold. It is your
choice.
This is posted in a single parent news group. Understand that if this
is the case
your daughter may not have had the benefit of a father's influence.
This is not
good or bad as such but it may be something you had.

From rereading your post, it hints that you may blame others for all
that is not
perfect in life. Listen to others, everyone very, very, carefully.
They will ever
so politely tell you the truth, like it or not. Accept the truth and
learn from it.
It is the greatest single free gift you will ever get. It is even more
meaningful if it is from your daughter. Good Luck.