A little background here ...

No, our boundaries and restrictions aren't so formal. LOL ... I "sent him to
his room" so to speak. The physical distance is a rural area where airline
access is more time consuming (no major hub for quick 'disruptive' visits),
and the xmas restrictions are less phone contact for awhile while she goes
thru these HORRID pre-teen stages. Can you guess? He's no help with any of
it, but then he never was. I think he has a tendency to take on 'symptoms'
of whatever is around, including pre-pms!

Unhappily his behavior is not really fun to be around when you're on the
receiving end. I spent Thanksgiving and xmas having him expect me to wait on
him (you know, feed, entertain, etc., when those things are difficult in my
household due to dd's behavior and disabilities I have). That was the
physical; the constant criticizing and picking are something I tell him to
put where he sits, but at xmas he started in on dd, so that's the reason for
the restricted calls. If he's not going to help her, get out of the way! is
my opinion. In a week I think I heard nothing positive come out of his
mouth, certainly not supportive or nurturing. Oh well. It's pretty typical
of his passive aggressive approach to things. Sometimes its better,
sometimes like this. When its like this, its healthy to keep him at a
distance in many ways.

He knows that if he messes up too much and pushes too far he will lose the
little legal custody he has left. That will NOT stop his visitation or
involvement in her life. It will simply take his power to veto on decisions
away from him. This is because he has interfered with serious issues in the
past, including preventing her from appropriate medical care. It's for her
safety. Passive aggressives are not fun, and can be extremely dangerous.

Most of my questions here are to find out what y'all do (or might do) in
certain situations with her. I do NOT recall pulling nearly as much cr*p
when I was this age, although she was a challenge starting several years
ago. She definitely has an "attitude" which wasn't helped by daddy and
others interfering with key issues. Some of my probs with her are habits
she's developed from that, including the typical age-appropriate "duh!
what's a coat?" when you ask where their coat is. I've actually started
keeping a record of some of the responses I get!!! I see the humor in some,
but I'm not able to really laugh about any of it yet.

This Chinese New Year, which is observed in my house, was the third holiday
(Nov, Dec, now) that she has caused major disruption and, in effect, made it
not happen completely. I'm beside myself. In the past, its true, I was
pressured to do the holiday anyway because "she's too young, she doesn't
understand, she didn't mean it" ... So each time in the past the holiday
happened, but it was discussed with her and some consequences happened but
she sailed thru happily! This time I had it and shut down my house. No TV,
no recreation, nothing until there is satisfactory communication about the
problems. (I get the silent treatment too ... sullen, silent, anger ...
which I really hate.) Even the school got pulled into the manipulative
communication game, for which I ended up taking the responsibility for until
I asked them how they liked being jerked around by a 10-year-old! Basically,
she has little if any respect or courtesy for adults, although she's not
openly hostile ... she's manipulative. She is totally engrossed in
self-satisfaction; everything else is an irritation, and if it doesn't meet
her instant needs, she resists simply to resist.

It has been suggested several times in the past several years that I need
help to come in to assist me with my daily or weekly household tasks. I
realized a few weeks ago that although that stuff takes me longer, I can
still do it. What I can't do is wait hand and foot on a 10-year-old who
refuses to do ANYTHING. SHE needs the maid, I don't. And that's even more
frustrating.

I realize I'm not giving many details here. I just started rambling. I'l try
to post issues in a separate thread for responses as I can detail them. I
had six siblings with extended family close by and both parents in the
household; I do NOT know how to raise an only child with no extended family
involvement! Could use some balanced, objective advice that isn't "oh, it's
to HARD for her to remember that Thursday is trash night! You need to
remember and remind her."

Sorry to rant.



'Kate wrote in message ...
On Thu, 22 Jan 2004 07:42:06 -0600, "127.0.0.1"

snip
A year ago we had to put some physical distance from him (professional
advice) and this past holiday I had to put down some strict boundaries.
Makes the days more difficult to deal with 10-year-old transitions in
some
ways; in others, much easier as I don't have him picking apart every
decision I make just to criticize. Actually, he spent xmas doing exactly
that to her, which was the reason for the restrictions.

What kind of boundries? Regarding his (the father's) behaviors? Time
restrictions? Or supervised visitations?
snip


'Kate