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Old July 20th 03, 04:12 PM
dolores
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Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


wrote in message news:CurRa.80070$ye4.60298@sccrnsc01...
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Lorian, OMG....this post!!!.. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must
have suffered, firstly as a child and now as an adult. Not only were you
shortchanged by your parents, but their abuse of you was their legacy to you
and is probably the cause of your illness. And this legacy of theirs has not
only hurt you, but is being handed down to your son, but not deliberately on
your part. You've obviously worked hard at not being your mother or
father...But that's one hell of a tough thing to do...It's a known fact that
abuse is a hard cycle to break...and all credit to you for what you've
done...You've broken the physical cycle from what I can gather...but the
psychological one is the hardest....but you are obviously trying and deserve
credit for it. I cant imaging how worn down and tired you must be. These
teenage years of your sons are probably going to be the hardest too, my
heart goes out to you.

I think you should be congratulated on the gift of education you've given
your son. I reckon this is one part of you that hasnt been contanimated by
your parents. You were clear, determined and knew what you were doing. I
would say this most definitely came across to your son, otherwise he wouldnt
be as knowledgeable as he is. I'd say he has a quiet respect for this side
of you. Now if your parents had left you alone, brought you up with
kindness, decency and been good to you, then the mother that educated your
son would be the same mother that knew how to set boundaries, say no and be
comfortable in her own skin (if that makes sense). Unfortuantely they
stripped you of this and it's been your downfall. I dont think it's your
fault, I think its theirs. As a result your son has had to deal with two
mothers, the one that knew what she was doing and the other one that was
grasping at straws, grappling with herself and unsure. He probably sensed
this from a very young age and got away with murder, now he's older and
fighting back, or more to the point begging for help but doesnt have the
know how. Reading your post about the mocha drink he *sounds* like one hell
of a spoilt brat!! (Sorry, no offence intended). I would say though it's
more a case that you are the only person that he has that he can really
truly be himself with, and is letting out all his frustrations on you.

I believe kicking him out on to the street will probably destroy him and
ruin all the hard work you've put in, not to mention a waste of all the
hours of agony that you've gone through. You'd be perpetuating the cycle
too..... Breaking it however, is tough and I dont think you will be able to
do it on your own, simply cos you havent got the tools or know how (thanks
to your parents). This is where fostering to a good home where there are
other kids would be a good idea. It would help him in the future, but do
nothing for you as a parent. And you need help too

Going by what you've said it seems to me that this lad didnt really have
many rules or boundaries imposed on him, probably becuase you didnt know how
to say no.....not that you didnt want to...just probably cos you didnt know
when it was appropriate....God!!...I hope I'm not offending you here....

This lad sounds as though he really and truly needs genuine love and
attention, to know that he is cherished, *important to somebody*, ideally
you...and needed. You really need to let him know that you truly love him
and that love is unconditional. After all, given what he witnessed as a
child you are hardly in a position to expect pristine behaviour when your
own wasnt that great....and he know this and will flog it to the death if
you let him. You cant threaten him with the door because his behaviour is in
the gutter, when he grew up watching your behaviour with these men.

If he's willing, sit him down, tell him about your own childhood, how you
felt at the time and how it affected you growing up. Acknowledge to him that
maybe you werent the best parent starting off but now you know you were
wrong. *Ask* him what he needs from you. Make it quite clear that he is as
much a part of the family as you are and this is his home, it always will
be. Tell him that you *need* his help at sorting this out and that you are
going to keep trying, you will never give up on him. Get him to open up to
you if you can.

However, at some point you really have to set boundaries and rules, give him
responsiblity in the home. If this is his home, as much as yours, then he
should treat it as such and pull his weight. And these rules have to apply
to you too. He is entitled to expect a certain standard of behaviour from
you too, just as my lads are entitled to expect a certain standard of
behaviour from me. Threatening to throw him on the street is just a more
subtle way of perpetuating the cycle of abuse that you recieved, it's
instilling fear and builds hostility in his mind.

If he's not willing to listen, or it ends up in a fight, sit down and write
a letter/email to him. Dont doubt he will read it, a letter never goes
unread.

However, I do feel it would do him the world of good to go and see how other
people live. Call it fostering if you like, but I'd be more inclined to tell
him that this is a great opportunity for him to go and see how other people
live. Be open about the fact that it will show him how wrong some of the
things you did were, and this is a great chance to break the loop. After
all, in years to come he might have a family of his own and this time seeing
how another family behave might be his saving grace.

If he does go to another family though make sure you see or speak to him
every single day, without fail, at the same time every day too, so that he
knows he can rely on you. First thing in the morning to wish him well and
last thing after dinner to see how he is and how he got on. When he comes
home ask him what he thinks, and get him to talk in detail if you can, be
open about the differences between how you dealt with hiim and how they do.
Make it quite clear that this is only a temporary arrangement, that you are
under no circumstances turning your back on him or giving up on him. And
while he is off with this other family you should foster yourself out
too.....Parenting classes are a start and I'm sure if you asked around
someone could give you some idea of where to go......

Well, all the above are only my opinion, for what its worth and hope I
havent offened you, as that is not my intention. I'm not really qualified
or experienced enough either cos my lads are still only young at 11 and 13,
I dont have the wisdom of hindsight as of yet...as many others here in the
group do......However, I really feel for what you are going through and hope
you and your son manage to get through this. Best of luck

Dolores









Who is this child
and where is my real son? How do I get him back? Why won't the system

stop
screwing around and help us? Now what do I do?