On Sun, 19 Nov 2006 10:22:27 EST, wrote:

We have a senior boy and freshman girl. Our girl must get to school
early (a whole 20 min) to drop off her instrument before her first
class. School starts at 7:40 am and we like to leave at 7:15 - 7:20
am. We have had to leave without him four times to get our daughter to
school on time. He refuses to go into his first hour class late and
misses first hour. Very frustrating that he cannot get up to leave on
time - he gets up at 7:45 and takes long shower. We excused a few of
these absences. The school does nothing accept lower his grade. He
has lost what few privileges he has at home. His response is that we
should buy him a car so that he can drive separately. We live in an
affluent are where most kids have cars.

Should we pick our battles and excuse these and drive him separately?

Bottom line is that he needs to learn to get himself to where he needs
to be on time. A boss isn't going to care about how long he wants to
take a shower or how late he wants to sleep in. Explain to him that
you are hurting him if you let him grow up thinking that the world
works that way, especially since in just one year he will be out in
the world. Do not excuse his absences or tardies. Tell him that if
he is too tired to get up on time, he must need to go to bed earlier
and make sure he is in his room with lights out even if you have to
take the light bulb to bed with you so he either sleeps or lies there
bored. As soon as he can get up in time to get himself to school on
time, he can go to bed when he is tired instead of when you think he
needs to in order to be able to get enough sleep.

You say you have already taken all his privileges, but what are you
defining as privileges? As a counselor, I hear that all the time. I
can't make him do his homework is even more common. I ask what the
child is doing instead of homework and parents look at me like I have
lost my mind. But it turns out that the kid is riding his bike,
talking to friends on the phone, hanging out at the mall, whatever. So
you can't physically make a child do homework, but you can make sure
he doesn't do anything else until he has done it and suddenly he is
motivated to do it. As the parent, you control everything that
matters to your son. It's actually rare that the school has the power
to make a teenager do what they want. Unless they are motivated by
grades or sports team participation, what can they do? You, OTOH,
control his access to his friends, the car, his video games or
whatever else he likes to play with, the computer, the phone, the
movies, the mall, spending money, every last thing in his room... If
he needs to sit in room with nothing in a mattress in it in order to
understand the need to get to school on time, so be it, but I doubt it
will get to that level. Most likely there are plenty of things he
enjoys that require your permission or participation for him to enjoy.
Tell him that he doesn't get any of it on any day that he is late to
school.

You don't even owe him a morning shower. Tell him that if he gets up
too late to take a shower, he'll have to go to school without. Tell
him that he will be out of the house at 18 with no support if he
doesn't take his education seriously and doesn't pick up enough work
habits that he will be able to get and keep a job. My guess from what
you have said is that this is his way of lobbying for a car. If he
makes it a pain for you to get him to school by driving him and if it
is interfering with something that is important to you, like school
attendance and grades, he will wear you down to where you get him a
car. Tell him up front that there is no way on earth that you will
reward his behavior by getting him a car. If you do, you are asking
for him to do what you DON'T want every time he wants something from
you and who would want to train their kid to do that? Besides that,
why would any caring parent give a car to a kid who has proven himself
to be irresponsible about simple things like getting out of bed before
school has actually started? Tell him that if he gets his butt to
school on time, either by going with you when you take your daughter
or by finding some other way to get there on time (ride with a friend,
walk, etc.), then you might be willing to talk about a car. Before
then, you won't even discuss a car or any of the other things that he
might want from you.

You train people in how they should treat you. Make sure you don't
train your son to treat you badly because it will get him the stuff he
wants. Give him a chance to get what he wants by doing what you want
from him, but only by doing what you want from him. If he wants to
play bare minimum, remind him of how little you really owe him. Like
I tell my kids, what I owe them is enough food to keep them nourished,
some kind of roof over their head, etc. If they want to keep eating
the food they like, their own room, the toys, the fashionable clothes,
etc. then they should remember that nobody feels like doing nice
things for people who can't be bothered to treat them well. What goes
around comes around. Another one that works well for me is to look
them in the eye and tell them, "You know that there will come a time,
and it will most likely be soon, that you want something from me. A
ride somewhere, to go out to eat, to be able to do something with a
friend or have a friend over... And when that time comes, I will
remember how you have treated me when I wanted something from you when
I decide how I should treat you when you want something from me." They
know that I mean it. I will remember and I won't make a big deal of
it but I will refuse to do them a favor if they have been refusing to
do what I ask of them and I won't back down no matter how much they
complain, cry, throw a fit, beg or anything else. It has worked every
time after the first time that they put it to the test and learned
that I meant what I said and we all live happier for it, them as well
as me.

Good luck and stay strong. This is one of those battles to choose
because your son is too close to being out on his own to not
understand responsibility and earning a car instead of misbehaving his
way to one or greater access to your car.

--
Paula
"Anyway, other people are weird, but sometimes they have candy,
so it's best to try to get along with them." Joe Bay