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Old September 15th 07, 04:04 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

On Sep 14, 3:43 am, Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3).


Any reason why you don't share the same love and devotion to your
husband?

They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously.


It could be that he's just a boy. I don't believe in the attention
deficient disorders that they are force feeding us. His fits of anger
are maybe his way of dealing and coping with things he cannot control.
Try to put yourself in his shoes and see what might be the problem.

DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve.


Seeing how these are your feelings, then you should be responsible for
them. They will not improve until you correct what's wrong with you to
help you, your husband and your children. Also, I think your husband's
unhappiness is because he is not making you happy. A man takes pride
in the happiness and support of his wife and children. By you being
depressed or unhappy, you're probably the cause of his unhappiness.

We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too).


Why are you unhappy with him? His annoyance is because of his
inability to help you. We men are problem solvers and if we cannot fix
our wives, it makes us frustrated and angry (which is how we deal with
hurt emotions).

I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.


That is just stupid. He apparently loves you and needs you. Nothing
could hurt a man more than his wife not wanting to show him love and
affection. To tell him to seek that with other women is like stabbing
him in the chest.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.


The real answer is for you to figure out what's wrong with you. Maybe
seek help on this. I say this because you seem like you're throwing
away everything for no good reason. Your children need a father, your
husband needs a wife. That can't happen until you fix what's wrong
with you.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.


You don't need parenting classes. I'm sure your parents and their
parents didn't attend classes.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.


That's a shame. I hope you get better.


5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?


No. I don't think this is something that needs to be discussed with
your children. I would sit down with your husband and talk things out.
Explain to him not to get mad or upset with you because the hurt in
your life is a result of your feelings and not because of him. Tell
him that you just need him to listen and to love you. Tell him that
you will let him know when you need his help. I would also apologize
to him for the hurt that you caused him and your family.

Remember that your husband is your friend and partner in life. He is
the children's father as well. Your love and devotion for one another
should be higher than the love and devotion you have for your
children.

Maybe you two have been focusing on your kids so much that you two
grew apart. He probably works long hours to support you and the kids
and your energy is expelled on the kids. Make time for one another.

I wish you well.

Regards...