"Amy" wrote in message
oups.com...

Circe wrote:
"Amy" wrote in message
oups.com...
Mine has expressed extreme discomfort with the idea of a vasectomy.
Oh, does he have another think coming!!! It'll go like this, "Listen,
Honey, birth control in this house has been a pain in MY ass for over
10 years now. It can be a pain in yours for a couple of days." And
after a couple natural childbirths, I'll be qualified to say, "Oh, suck
it up!" too. There will be no whining.

You know, I really don't think it is at ALL fair to ask another person to
undergo surgical modification of HIS body for YOUR convenience.

How is it any less fair than him asking me to take a pill every day (a
pill that can have serious health consequences for me, especially with
my blood pressure problems) for his convenience?

Is HE asking you to take BCPs? Do you have NO alternatives? (Answer: No.
There are non-hormonal alternatives. There are surgical alternatives for
women. But we've already discussed this, so let's move on.)

How is surgical modification of HIS body a bigger deal than ongoing
chemical modification of my body? I actually think that surgical
modification of his body is a much, much smaller deal.

I'm not saying it IS. I'm just saying that you cannot force him to have a
vasectomy any more than he can force you to have a tubal ligation (or an
abortion or take BCPs or anything else for that matter). Nobody should make
you (or him) do anything you're not willing to do. It's up to BOTH of
you--together--to determine what each of you is willing or not willing to do
when it comes to contraception and then choose a method that you're BOTH
comfortable with. It might not be the method YOU like best (or it might be),
but marriage and parenting is all about compromise. While you might be able
to get him to have a vasectomy when he REALLY doesn't want one, he is not
going to appreciate being bullied into it any more than YOU would appreciate
being bullied into having another baby or having a tubal ligation. Nobody
likes to be bullied.

Yes, I know,
birth control affects both of you, but still...if you really want the
finality and simplicity of a surgical solution and your husband doesn't,
the
fact that you've given birth and had to deal with birth control up to now
just doesn't qualify as a reason he should "suck it up" and do what YOU
want.

Oh, sure it does. I'll handled it for the first 10+ years of our
relationship. He can handle it for 3 days and then we can both be done
with it. I think that's perfectly reasonable and fair.

But if he doesn't think it's reasonable and fair, it doesn't matter what you
think is reasonable and fair.

Sorry, but it just sounds to me like a good way to put a strain on
your marital relationship.

I disagree. It'll put more of a strain on our relationship if I
continue to take unreliable pills that make me feel bad (major side
effects - hence this thread) and could result in an unplanned
pregnancy.

But no one has said that you MUST keep using BCPs. There ARE other choices.
And once you ARE done having children and are ready for a permanent form of
birth control, you are just as capable of getting "fixed" as he is. Granted,
tubal ligation isn't as easy or cheap as vasectomy, but it IS an option and
to claim that your choices are either he gets a vasectomy or you take
unreliable pills that make you sick is just disingenuous.

My husband and I are done having children as far as we know, but NEITHER
of
us is particularly comfortable with the finality of surgical
sterilization.

Then it's a decision that you both have made, and that's fine. The
decision that we will make in our relationship is going to be
different, and it's going to involve HIM taking some responsibility for
OUR birth control for a change. Your Marriage May Vary.

My husband IS involved in taking some responsibility for birth control. We
discussed it and mutually agreed over the course of our marriage to the
methods that worked best for both of us. Just because *I* am the one with
the IUD doesn't mean my husband has no responsibility! The fact that you
think the person who's wearing the device or taking the medications is the
only one who is taking responsibility sort of blows my mind. If that's what
you really believe, then your marriage definitely DOES vary from mine,
because in MY marriage, decisions that affect both of us are MADE BY both of
us, not just one of us browbeating the other into submission (although I
confess that seems an attractive option at time G!).

It IS reversible, you know. Reversal is even covered by some
insurance.

The successful reversal rate for vasectomies is well below 100%. I gather
that while reversals can be 99% successful at restoring semen flow,
resulting pregnancy rates can be much, much lower (in the 60-70% range).

But that's really not the point. If the problem your husband has with
vasectomy is letting someone near his privates with a pair of clippers,
letting them come back for a second pass to reverse it isn't going to be a
particularly appealing option.

Really, though, I find the IUD so easy and worry-free that it's as good
as
surgical sterilization as far as I'm concerned (and almost as effective
statistically, incidentally--the failure rate is very, VERY low). I think
you should at least try an IUD before you decide that surgically altering
your husband against his wishes is your preferred method of birth
control.

Well, I might try it for a while, but I'm not going to have an IUD
until menopause, either.

Perhaps we're in uncomparable situations, because you're over 38 years
old, while I'm only 29, and I have more fertile years to worry about.
If I were looking at menopause in 10 years, my answers might be
different, too. My mom went through the change at 50, so we're talking
about 21 years, here. That's a LOT of pills. The financial cost alone
of all of those co-pays ($10/month x 12 months x 21 years = $2520), not
to mention all the wasted pregnancy tests because I don't trust the
pills, figure that at 2 per year at $15 a piece for another $630;
versus the cost of a vasectomy ($500 deductible) makes it worth it (and
that's assuming that the costs don't rise, and we know that the costs
of prescription drugs rise all the time). I'll even let him spend the
difference ($2650) on toys.

We could also figure in the emotional cost of me being a train wreck if
I miss a pill (it screws me up, big time. PMS on steroids), but that's
harder to quantify. I would think that avoiding that would be worth
the price of a vasectomy to him, too.

Then there's the issue of the time committment... It took me 3 months
to fully recover from my daughter's birth. If we have another kid,
that'll be a total of 6 months recovery (not to mention 18 months of
being pregnant, and two labors). So we're talking my 730 days of
pregnancy/labor/recovery versus about three days of MILD discomfort.
Furthermore, he can treat his mild discomfort with heavy duty drugs
(because he doesn't have to worry about nursing, or passing the drugs
to the kids through the placenta, or anything).

Yeah, a vasectomy and recovery is a drop in the bucket compared to my
two pregnancies, labors, and recoveries, and he will be just fine.
I'll even make him chicken soup because I am a very nice wife.

You know, those are all really good arguments. Use them on him (though maybe
in a slightly less snippy tone--though, of course, it's hard to read tone in
a Usenet post).

Let me reiterate: I am not OPPOSED to vasectomies (at least not for other
people). I am suggesting that ramming something like this down your spouse's
throat is unlikely to promote marital harmony and happy feelings. They're
two COMPLETELY different issues.
--
Be well, Barbara