In article , Chris says...
Cathy Kearns wrote:
Miss Manners would point out that presents should never be expected,
and telling guests that normally they are expected, but not this time
by writing "no presents" on an invitation, no matter how well
intentioned, is rude.

Really? Seems to me that whatever "should" be expected, presents ARE
expected. It's certainly NOT going to work for those persons who want
to avoid presents to just not mention anything and assume that people
won't bring gifts. I'm curious what you think the polite way would be
to handle this situation.

There are a number of things I've done.

1 - My kids know not to expect an annual birthday party. On the years
that we don't throw one, we still have a family birthday dinner. They
are allowed to invite a friend or two -- but by inviting their friends
to dinner on their birthday rather than a birthday party, their friends
don't feel obligated to bring a present. In fact, it has been my
experience that gifts under those circumstances are rare. Sometimes
parents have called to clarify, and I emphasize that it is NOT a
birthday party, just a birthday dinner, and that while my children might
get some gifts from family members, they are NOT expecting their dinner
guests to bring anything. Rather, their friend's presence is the only
"gift" they are expecting.

2 - Sometimes, we give the kids the gift of a birthday outing (movies,
skating, bowling, swimming, whatever) to which they are allowed to
invite friends. However, again, since we don't call it a "birthday
party" it seems to get around the gift expectation. The invitations
are less formal -- nothing is mailed out. Depending on how old the kids
have been, either they or I make phone calls to the parents or the kids,
and the verbal invitation is worded fairly carefully. "For my birthday,
my mom is letting me take some friends skating on Saturday; would you
like to come with us?" We carefully avoid the word "party". Again,
sometimes a few friends have turned up with gifts, but we are careful to
avoid making a Big Deal of opening them, and to reassure the ones who
DON'T bring anything that we are delighted they are there and we were
not expecting anything.

3 - I have, on occassion, invited people over without mentioning that it
was someone's birthday, and hauled out a birthday cake at the end of a
meal. Some people get offended: "If I'd known, I'd have brought a
gift!" We point out that that is exactly WHY they didn't know in
advance. It seems to work out most of the time, but does seem to annoy
some people.

4 - While I've never done it, I've seen some invitations that ask for
something specific, but not costly. For example, an invitation for a
going away party might ask us each to bring a collage or a letter or
something for a scrapbook that will be a joint gift; on one occassion,
I actually got two sheets of paper that had been specifically set up for
my child's name and address and picture; I don't remember what the
second sheet was for -- maybe just a collage or something. Sometimes,
some people still bring other gifts, but by explaining that we will be
collectively making something that will be particularly meaningful, it
seems to get around the "obligatory" gift expectation.

I hate how Big and Expensive and Obligatory kids' birthday parties have
become -- both to throw and to attend. I'd love to find a way to cut
that back, but not at the expense of tossing out generally accepted
manners -- and that means NOT saying "no gifts" on the invitations.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care