On Fri, 21 Nov 2003 04:45:40 GMT, "Byron Canfield"
wrote:

"Kathy Cole" wrote in message
...
You want a trigger event that prompted the anger, or a triggering
condition that existed over time? Neither the original trigger nor the
anger at the time of separation could justify spiteful behavior toward
the kids, so I'm having difficulty finding sufficient motivation of my
own to really care what the prompt for the harmful actions was.

What he was claiming was that there was spiteful actions not toward the
kids, but toward the father.

It's all in how you orient your outlook. You can certainly manage a
post-divorce situation in which you share access to the kids without
much contact with the former partner; what is largely parallel
parenting, rather than co-parenting. If that's the case, there's not
much direct, spiteful action you have an opportunity to perform, that
isn't also likely to get you into legal trouble; most spiteful actions
need to be channeled through the kids to get a dig in at the other
parent.

But I don't see myself as owing my ex much. I owe *our son* an awful
lot, starting with respecting and supporting the role of his father,
stepmother and extended family in his life, and encouraging strong
relationships with them. That viewpoint requires me to keep our son out
of our disagreements, so that when his dad really ****es me off, it's
proven relatively easy for me to keep him away from it.

So, from my perspective, absent any direct, spiteful crap like trying to
get an ex fired, calling the new girlfriend and telling her my opinion
of him and his prior behavior, causing him financial trouble by falsely
reporting his car stolen so the police will hassle him, or other
extremely direct and clearly ex-focussed actions, any spiteful stuff
would have to use the kid, which is harmful to the kid and thus
completely unacceptable.

A parent who correctly concludes that the real goal in digging at the
kid is to dig at the other parent might label the activity accordingly,
and that may have been the case with the prior poster.