"Tiffany" wrote in message
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P.Fritz wrote in message
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"lm" wrote in message
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On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 10:41:53 -0600, 'Kate wrote:

On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 07:43:47 -0600, "Daniel"
daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there
isn't
much
left to take...

Yeah, just the internet and the phone. Consistancy, routine, and
dependability will have to do then. If her relationship with you is
easier than her relationship with the 19 year old, then she'll be
more
likely to give that up.



I've NOT been telling her how bad she is...

I figured you weren't overtly telling her that she was but because I
have no way of knowing that, I felt strongly about putting it out
there
and letting you deny it.

& like I said, the problem wasn't
from the start, it only happened before this guy. I do keep up with
her
teachers (have had problems contacting them though).

I'm glad to hear that you are. It's very important. They can fax you
if
you can't keep in touch with them via phone.

Other activities dont
work, tried them, she dropped EVERYTHING (even communication with
me)
for
him. The problem is preventing her to build the alter to make
offerings
&
sacrifices to him next.

Or finding ways to open communication up between you again. She
doesn't, I'm sure, want to feel like she's doing everything wrong and
that she should be beholden to you (even if she is). We all need
some
pride. He is giving her something that she needs or he wouldn't be
able
to influence her. She is probably putting out to get what she needs
emotionally - to be appreciated and feel loved for who she is and not
someone else's ideal of who she should be or what she should be
doing.
"I love you but" is the worst phrase I've ever heard.

I think you're going to have to enlist her help in providing what she
needs from you. Outright ask her, aside from carte blanche with her
boyfriend, what one thing would improve your relationship with her.
Start there and make sure you get something out of it. For example,
if
you give her X, then you want Y in return.


The main problem is taking someone who was doing good before they
met
him,
getting them to realize what they're in, & then reversing her to the
way
she
was before meeting him.

I don't think you can stuff her back into the pre-teen box. The 19
year
old has influence over her. This has become a fight and she's
rooting
for the other side. If she sees an effort from you to change the
present, then maybe, in time she will meet you more than half-way.

This hasn't been just since the boyfriend, BTW. There were problems
before that directly relate to what is going on now. All the blame
is
not the boyfriend's. The solution is not just get rid of the
boyfriend.
The solution is to fix the problems that resulted in her feeling that
a
19 year old boyfriend is appropriate.

Yes, definitely. Daniel, you and she had no time to establish a
relationship before all this happened. So unfortunately you don't know
each other well, don't have a give-and-take, don't have basic rules
for around the house. You're reacting to each other and to events. You
need to take a breather from the power struggle that's going on and
talk/listen to each other. Is there someone local, maybe with the
foster care agency, who can serve as a social worker/mediator? You
can't parent by surveillance, I understand your need to document this
guy's predatory behavior, but as far as working with her, you need to
communicate face to face.

I wouldn't necessarily label the guy a predator, sounds more like a jerk
that can't establish a relationship with someone his own age, or perhaps
has
the maturity of a 14 y.o.

And I also get tired of people lumping them together with
pedophiles..............a 14 y.o. girl while emotionally immature is
phyically an adult. Hell, a century ago, that was 'marrying' age.




I agree he is not a pedophile also and shouldn't be called such. As for a
14
year old being emotionally immature.... I know 20-60 year olds that are
emotionally immature. Male and female. This guy is definitely a jerk. But
just as a side note (not to downplay what Dan is going through), maybe she
is aggressive and seeking him and controlling him. Hell, women are known
to
do that. I think that main point though is getting this girl help. Period.

Of course, but the O.P. is focusing on 'the jerk' as the root of all the
problems, I think Joelle hit the nail on the head, and you are closer to the
truth. In my work at the H.S., I've had 14 y.o. girls hit on me, one was
so bold she came up and asked "why I just didn't take her home with me" It
would have been very easy to take advantage of them. I can easily see how a
loser 19 y.o. would do so.


T