'Kate wrote in message ...
On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 07:43:47 -0600, "Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there isn't
much
left to take...

Yeah, just the internet and the phone. Consistancy, routine, and
dependability will have to do then. If her relationship with you is
easier than her relationship with the 19 year old, then she'll be more
likely to give that up.

So you're saying that she'll likely not care what I take as long as she has
him?



I've NOT been telling her how bad she is...

I figured you weren't overtly telling her that she was but because I
have no way of knowing that, I felt strongly about putting it out there
and letting you deny it.

OK.

& like I said, the problem wasn't
from the start, it only happened before this guy. I do keep up with her
teachers (have had problems contacting them though).

I'm glad to hear that you are. It's very important. They can fax you if
you can't keep in touch with them via phone.

Or E-mail.

Other activities dont
work, tried them, she dropped EVERYTHING (even communication with me) for
him. The problem is preventing her to build the alter to make offerings
&
sacrifices to him next.

Or finding ways to open communication up between you again. She
doesn't, I'm sure, want to feel like she's doing everything wrong and
that she should be beholden to you (even if she is). We all need some
pride. He is giving her something that she needs or he wouldn't be able
to influence her. She is probably putting out to get what she needs
emotionally - to be appreciated and feel loved for who she is and not
someone else's ideal of who she should be or what she should be doing.
"I love you but" is the worst phrase I've ever heard.

I gave her what she needed & wanted. She had my time, I'd talk to her any
time she wanted, we spent allot of time with each other, when she wanted or
not when she didnt want to (I didn't ever force her to let me around)..I
supported her. I was the one who helped get her out of her bad living
situation with our mom & her abusive boyfriend. I gave her a home...she was
VERY happy & her life was doing great. She constantly thanked me,
appreciated me, told everyone how perfect everything was for her. The only
thing she still wanted was "to be a normal teen ager", even if that meant
drinking, drugs, partying, messing your life up, she thinks thats "normal" &
wanted to do it. I talked to her about that & was getting her used to the
idea of what that could do to her & how much she could lose. She understood
& was moving away from that & those kind of people & being even more happy &
glad she did. Then HE came along & completely reversed everything. Her
grades went down, she skipped some school, she's back into doing drugs,
probably more & worse other things I'm not listing here, she doesn't spend
ANY time with me unless I do something to force it (like plan something she
likes & plan to do that with her...but its got to be something expensive
which I can't afford to do or keep doing). Thats what I'm not sure about.
Why someone with so much would want to throw it all away just "because thats
what normal teens/people do"? (just like name brand clothing...I don't
understand why people buy clothes with someone's name on them because a
commercial/advertisement says it's cool)

I think you're going to have to enlist her help in providing what she
needs from you. Outright ask her, aside from carte blanche with her
boyfriend, what one thing would improve your relationship with her.
Start there and make sure you get something out of it. For example, if
you give her X, then you want Y in return.

Can do that one. But if (or more likely when) she doesn't hold up to it,
she doesn't get it.


The main problem is taking someone who was doing good before they met
him,
getting them to realize what they're in, & then reversing her to the way
she
was before meeting him.

I don't think you can stuff her back into the pre-teen box. The 19 year
old has influence over her. This has become a fight and she's rooting
for the other side. If she sees an effort from you to change the
present, then maybe, in time she will meet you more than half-way.

This hasn't been just since the boyfriend, BTW. There were problems
before that directly relate to what is going on now. All the blame is
not the boyfriend's. The solution is not just get rid of the boyfriend.
The solution is to fix the problems that resulted in her feeling that a
19 year old boyfriend is appropriate.

She's felt that way for a long time...before me even...not just with males
but females too. I think part of it is that she is able to do more that
she'd not be able to without hanging around adults (such as smoke...how is
she supposed to get that from a 18yr old?). The reason I'm saying so much
of it is him too is because of how she changed from before him to after him.
She's dropped her closest long time friends for him (hardly has any friends
left). She's even dropped me for him.

'Kate