"Chris" wrote in message
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How Children Really React to Control

by Thomas Gordon, Ph.D.

Punitive discipline is by definition need-depriving as opposed to
need-satisfying. Recall that punishment will be effective only if it is
felt by the child as aversive, painful, unpleasant. When controllers
employ punishment, they always intend for it to cause pain or deprivation.
It seems so obvious, then, that children don't ever want punitive
discipline, contrary to what its advocates would have us believe. No child
"asks for it," "feels a need for it," or is "grateful for it." And it is
probably true, too, that no child ever forgets or forgives a punitive
parent or teacher.

There is a difference between a "punitive" parent or teacher and one who
occasionally makes reasonable use of punishment. One of my best friends in
elementary school was my fourth grade teacher (who I first became friends
with when I was in second grade and stayed friends with until she left the
school sometime when I was in junior high). Teachers in my school did spank
occasionally, and one time she paddled me on the hand (her normal method of
using corporal punishment - this was in the mid 1970's, by the way). I was
embarrassed to get in trouble with her, and I was afraid my getting in
trouble like that might hurt the way she felt about me, but I don't remember
ever holding it against her. And as I said, we remained friends long after
I left her class.

From my experience (and I think anecdotal evidence I've seen from others
tends to back me up), what is really important is how the use of authority
fits into the overall relationship. If an adult exercises authority in a
way that exhibits a lack of concern for a child's needs or desires, the
child probably will react to punishment from that person in much the way Dr.
Gordon describes. If an adult normally cares about what a child needs and
wants and generally exercises authority only for reasons that the child can
respect (if not necessarily always agree with), occasional instances of
punishment are far less likely to cause any significant harm to the
relationship.

I'm certainly not trying to say that Dr. Gordon is entirely wrong, because
I'm sure the attitudes he's criticizing here do lead a lot of parents into
the kind of highly authoritarian mindsets that are most likely to cause
children to react negatively - and, perhaps more importantly, lead parents
away from more positive ways of addressing problems. But I do think he's
overstating the case, and thus throwing the baby out with the bathwater
where some types of situations are concerned.

snip

The Coping Mechanisms Children Use

Over the years I have compiled a long list of the various coping
mechanisms youngsters use when adults try to control them. This list comes
primarily out of our Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) and Teacher
Effectiveness Training (T.E.T.) classes, where we employ a simple but
revealing classroom exercise. Participants are asked to recall the
specific ways they themselves coped with power-based discipline when they
were youngsters. The question yields nearly identical lists in every
class, which confirms how universal children's coping mechanisms are. The
complete list is reproduced below, in no particular order. Note how varied
these recurring themes are. (Can you pick out the particular coping
methods you employed as a youngster?)

I won't quote the list, but there is something not included on the list that
causes me to view the exercise as highly deceptive. That omission is
BEHAVING. When an exercise focuses exclusively on negative reactions to
authority and completely ignores the possibility that children might exhibit
the desired reaction, the exercise will almost inevitably skew people's
thinking.

I agree that children sometimes react to power-based discipline in
undesirable ways. That is one of the reasons why I consider the kinds of
methods Dr. Gordon promotes better - as long as they work.