In article , Bob Whiteside
says...


"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article . net, Bob
Whiteside
says...


"cathryn" wrote in message
roups.com...


It's a complex situation, there's no black and white, and there's no
generalities you can apply. Suggesting that "women kick men out for the
cash incentives" is ill-informed and quite frankly, a bit stupid.

I don't know what the magic answer is (I don't think there is one), but
certainly allocating blame (either universally to her, or universally
to him) is not going to resolve anything and help anyone.

A good start would be to understand there is a big difference between the
financial (CS) and emotional (custody) incentives that encourage divorces
to
occur and a list of reasons why people divorce. The ease of no-fault
divorce coupled with the incentives to divorce make even the most minor
of
issues to become reasons to end a marriage.

Since women statistically initiate divorces about 85% of the time, it is
important to understand the reasons women give for ending their
marriages.
The top 5 reasons Dr. Sanford Braver found in his research include: 1.)
Gradual growing apart, losing a sense of closeness, 2.) Serious
differences
in lifestyle and/or values, 3.) Not feeling loved or appreciated by
spouse,
4.) Spouse not able or willing to meet major needs, and 5.) Emotional
problems of the spouse.

I guess you could classify a cross dresser as being included in emotional
problems of the spouse. Gambling problems that lose everything would
most
likely fit into the 9th listed reason - spouse not reliable. Long term
humiliation would most likely fit into the 8th listed reason - frequently
felt put down or belittled by spouse.

But the fact remains, all of the top reasons women list for initiating
divorce are touchy-feely reasons that reflect women's mental perceptions
of
the marriage relationship and have nothing to do with specific, defined
negative behavior by their husbands.


So, number four, for example, would be a matter of 'mental perception'?
If she
dint' meet *his* needs, would it be viewed the same? That's a pretty
broad
category.

Men who initiate divorce cite "spouse not able to meet mjors needs" as the
4th most important factor. So the "needs" issue is identically perceived by
both men and women. The difference is women cite the "needs" issue as being
very important in 41% of divorces while men cite it as very important in 32%
of divorces they initiate.


In 'Chris's' case, his wife may well be met with a dilemma of helping her
daughter vs. staying married. But Chris has stated he won't divorce.
So that
leaves the resolution of the dilemma to - her. So, forced into a choice
like
that, *she'd* end up in the "initiated divorce" stat. But, I'd submit
that
"initiated divorce" is quite a different thing from "destroyed marriage".
And
that isn't such an uncommon thing.

Wow! The old bad husband/dad image, he made me do it, outdated thinking
that women throw out when they are reluctant to accept responsibility for
their own actions. Chris will have to comment on his own case, but it
sounds like he took his marriage vows a lot more seriously than his wife
did.

Look at the list of top 5 reasons women divorce again. There is nothing
there to substantiate the old fault based reasons for divorce like violence,
abuse, drugs, alcohol, extramarital affairs, etc. I think everyone would
agree those would be issues that "destroyed a marriage." But the research
indicates the old fault based reasons are not cited that often by women for
initiating a divorce.

Wow. (How did old bad dad get into this?) What's outdated.

If someone is backed into a corner where they have to choose between, say, child
and marriage, but the spouse who made that demand won't divorce, it's a matter
of limited recourse.

I think the wife-initiated stats for divorce reflect that, if for one gender
there is less power within the marriage, more often the only 'out' is out.

Banty