"Denise~*" wrote in message
m...
This year, mothers day commercials are putting me over the edge.

I have always watched them in the past & thought 'gee it would be nice to
have that kind of relationship with my mom' but I still buy her flowers &
a card, because she is my mom, right?

Hm... I've never really noticed too many commercials for Mother's Day...
Then again, don't watch all that much TV.
I picked up a pack of those outdoor patio solar lights that my brother still
owes me half for

But what do you do when 'cringe' at mothers day commercials & the thought
of it all?

I'll change the Mother's Day commercials to those silly technical colleges
that are constantly on the New York area channel... Every commercial is for
some technical institute or another, and it's bang, bang, bang for those!

My mom & I have had a rocky relationship since I can remember, but almost
always seem to keep it together, especially for holidays & such.

Sounds like the relationship I have with my mom...

I do admire my mom for her knowledge of things. She's kind of a
"renaissance woman" of sorts. I call her for advice because she knows
alot, but sometimes she thinks knows some things when she doesn't, also.
We get into stupid arguments and her big problem is she cannot just 'let
things go'. She has to dwell on negatives & pick at every mistake I make,
even when I realize the mistake & correct myself. She also tends to give
advice, and pushes the advice on you like a warthog, weather asked for or
not. She totally loves DS and I don't want to take that away from her.

Yes, that's my problem, I think, as well. You can tell my mom the grass is
green, but if she wants it to be purple, it will be. No debates. It's
frustrating. I find she tends to hang on to the negative as well. Point
out the wrong and bad no matter what, but yes, she does love the kids and
that is something that I know is good. She has a good relationship with
them and I know she'd really do anything for them, aside from admitting
grass really is green.

The problem is, things have gotten worse lately. It has gotten to the
point where I don't want to call her at all. Not even to tell her how DS
is doing, etc... When I was in college it also got pretty bad, so bad
that I wrote "don't call" on a piece of paper & taped it to my phone just
so when I'd pick up the phone it would remind me not to call her because I
knew that inevitably that we would get into a fight for some stupid, silly
reason.

There's times when I see she's calling and I debate on answering or not.
Almost every time I do, and a simple conversation about something small can
often turn into a phone call that I just want to slam the phone down on.
Or, I will call with a simple question or looking for a simple bit of advice
and I get an earful about that, or something totally unrelated... "Oh! He
ALWAYS picks up his toys at MY house. Why can't he do that at home?? It's
such a disaster!" or, "Why do you need more junk?? You have so much sh*t
you don't need more garbage in the house! That's so useless and just what
you need, isn't it?" (this happened last weekend when I was given an
aquarium for free from a lady, and it was a custom built, large tank fit
into an old cabinet-style TV box.) My grandma even had to go out to the
truck before she went home to come back in and say how ugly, banged up and
gross it was, yet I knew before that this thing could possibly use a sanding
down and refinishing, just to look pretty... Something I thought would and
could be a fun thing to do with time. So stupid and pointless, yet there
was a fight rated at 7.

I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or sympathy, I just have 'had it'
& want to get it off my chest. DH is pretty supportive, but he's a guy &
just tells me "well, you don't have to call her". That cannot go on
forever! There's gonna be a point where she will eventually call me, or I
will have to call her for some reason (how bouts the birth of DS#2, ya
think!?!)

Yes, guys usually have great advice. lol DH is the same. Just don't call.
Just let the answering machine get it. Just don't go there... Problem is,
we're there often. Every Saturday for sure, anyways, as DS has dance class
on her side of the city, so she often takes him or comes along. Oh, his
shirt is dirty, oh, his socks are waaaay too big. Well, I just tell her,
sorry, I don't crawl under his bed to round up his laundry when I remind him
every day to put dirty laundry in the basket in his room that's provided.
Socks? Well, my mom bought those socks that I often sit down and question
if they're DSs or DHs socks! It can sometimes turn into a fight between DS
and I if I tell him to change his socks, as no, he wants *those* socks.
Whatever. They're socks.

Some of you might say, this all seems to be little & petty, but when every
single conversation ends up in her belittling me for some reason or
another, and I end up frustrated, or crying (like today) I don't think I
can handle it anymore.

In a way it is all little and petty, and even sometimes stupid. I kind of
know where you're coming from, and I find that I have very little to offer
as far as advice go, but you do have my sympathy and understanding, if that
helps... Sometimes talking gets nowhere, other than into another heated
discussion, and sometimes not talking gets nowhere, other than a delayed
heated discussion.

Ohh, if I were to confront her about it, she would deny anything is her
fault. It's happened before. She has blatantly told me in the past that
I cause all the fights. She would get very defensive & argue tooth & nail
about how I cause the fights. Mostly her reasoning is usually taken from
how I react to her rudeness & behavior, etc...

Haha maybe we just have the same mom... It's my fault that I can't keep the
house in perfect order because I really don't have anything better to do
than constantly pick up after the kids. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming,
cleaning - that's what I need to spend my entire time doing, I guess, which
obviously isn't really possible... There's other things in life, and I
figure if it's cluttered yet not dirty, there's a big difference right
there. Toys all over are better than food rotting on the tables and
counters or whatever, I think... I find that when I get someone being rude
to me, I tend to go back with a rude reaction. Probably not right, but when
I get it, I find that I get rude as well without being able to help it,
maybe.

If you were in this situation, what would you do?

I really don't know, as I have very little advice for myself... Would maybe
writing a letter be possible? Write a letter and drop it off in the mail no
matter if she lives far or close. Figure out about how long it would take
for a hand written letter to get to her and then maybe make big plans to be
out and about on the day or couple days surrounding that day the letter
should arrive to her (so you have a valid excuse as to why you weren't
around had she decided to call you) and then it's like, 'Oh, I'm sorry, we
were out' and not, 'Oh, my apologies. I was avoiding you and didn't pick
up the phone when I was home.'
Maybe a letter is more personal than an email, for example, and I find with
letters, you can sit down and gather your own thoughts and say things
properly without being forced to reply in the moment (as with a phone call
or face to face) With letters, a person can sit down and take the time to
read and have some time to react and possibly think about their own
reactions.
If you just sit down and even write a whole novel or graphing calculator
bible, then you can just get it all out in the open. You can simply say
you're writing to give you time to gather up your own thoughts and emotions,
rather than react on a fly. There won't be a reaction from her at the drop
of a pin and if she does still anyways and picks that phone up to give you
and earful, at least you'll be out at the park, down at the mall, having a
nice dinner, whatever. She'll have more time to digest everything and
maybe - MAYBE - be able to react and respond in a responsible, mature and
proper manner. Time to cool off if she really doesn't like reading that you
don't like something she has said and done, or says and does.

I guess I am looking for advice

I'm horrible for advice, especially when I probably am the last person who
should offer advice! Maybe a letter?