Hi. I have an issue with something my DH does. We have discussed it. He has
even agreed to stop the offense. But he hasn't. The thing is, he doesn't
reaaly "see" or understand what, exactly, I am talking about. I can
understand this since I cannot explain it very well. The problem I have is a
2 part one. He hauls DS around my the limbs and his rough houseing is too
rough. The rough house play is the easiest to explain. They rough house. DS
loves it, DH loves it. The problem is that this rough housing frequently
involves DH manhandling DS's body in a way that DS has no control over.
Still fine. DS is giggling madly. The problem is that I think the acceptable
level of DH hurting DS is ZERO when this play is occuring. But it happens
fairly regularly that DS will do something by mistake that hurts him and he
begins to bawl. If DS is having fun, then begins to bawl, it has to be a
fairly painful event. So I mention this to DH, who just says - It was an
accident. The irony is that he comes down like a ton of bricks on DS for
"not being careful" when he accidentally hurts Mommy. This happens all the
time since I do not try very hard to get out of the way of flying elbows and
whatnot. So when I try to tell DH that HE has to be more careful, he just
says that DS is OK and blows me off. This is not OK with me.

The other issue I have is with hauling him around by his limbs. Picture an
example in which DH is trying to get DS to go with him to bathtime. He gives
him the 5 and 2 minute warning. Then asks DS to come for bathtime. When DS
does not come, he repeats and whatnot. All of this is exactly the same as I
would do. But what he does when noncompliance continues is takes him by the
hand and physically lifts him by one arm! And carries him that way! I think
this is rotten on a couple of levels:

- He could pull DS's arm right out if its socket. DH thinks that the fact
that it has not happened yet means it is not going to. (DDDUHHHHHHH)

- It does not communicate with DS's head that he needs to listen. What I
would do in this situation is walk over to him and put out my hand as if to
hold hands. He will usually accept this as the inevitable and come with me.
If that does not work I will ask him if he wants to come by himself or does
he want to carry him. That usually works. If it does not, I pick him up by
the armpits like a normal carry. The thing is, I rarely have to do any of
these more aggressive tactics. He is accustomed to doing as I ask. By
hauling him off, DH is teaching him he really does not have to listen.

- I think it is an assault on the little guy's body and self control. If
someon just up and hauled me to my feet or beyond, I would be ****ed. And it
just looks evil. When he does it out and about I think Damned it looks like
we are child abusers. And I think it is just laziness that causes him to not
want to reach down and pick him up by the armpits and speak to him in the
face.


Anyway - I guess that this is really more of a marital problem than a
parenting one. And mostly vent too for that matter. But any words of wisdom
are appreciated. I find that THE most challenging thing about parenting is
getting on the same page with DH. ARGH. The other day he CHEERED DS on for
climbing up our rickety old changing table by himself. I wanted to dope slap
him. The thing can hold his weight, but it would definitely tip over in a
stiff breeze.

Anyway, let me know if you have words of wisdom.

S