Hello Stephanie, I agree with you on both issue. It must be very difficult
to deal this and try to be supportive of your husband (present a united
front for the kids) when he does thing like that. About the arm thing, you
are definitely right! It happened to my son three years ago. Altought the
situation was not the same: My then one-year old had to get a diaper change
(real bad!), we were in the backyard and he was refusing to come in the
house for the change. My DH tried to get him in the house by making him
laugh. He took him by the hand and Whee! made DS climb the stairs one by one
by holding him by one hand. It worked and DS was giggling in the stairs. But
as soon as he arrived on top, he started to scream and cry. After probing
gently and putting ice on his arm, he was still crying so I took him to the
ER. Turns out his arm was pulled out of its socket. It was a matter of
seconds to put it back and as soon as it was done, the pain disapeared.

Still, you can be sure that the lesson was not forgotten. My DH cried when
he saw that he hurt his son, even if not intentionally. To this day, he has
not it to any kid and we warn everyone we see pull a child by the arm, even
playfully how dangerous it could be.

N.
"Stephanie and Tim" a écrit dans le
message de news: ...
Hi. I have an issue with something my DH does. We have discussed it. He
has
even agreed to stop the offense. But he hasn't. The thing is, he doesn't
reaaly "see" or understand what, exactly, I am talking about. I can
understand this since I cannot explain it very well. The problem I have is
a
2 part one. He hauls DS around my the limbs and his rough houseing is too
rough. The rough house play is the easiest to explain. They rough house.
DS
loves it, DH loves it. The problem is that this rough housing frequently
involves DH manhandling DS's body in a way that DS has no control over.
Still fine. DS is giggling madly. The problem is that I think the
acceptable
level of DH hurting DS is ZERO when this play is occuring. But it happens
fairly regularly that DS will do something by mistake that hurts him and
he
begins to bawl. If DS is having fun, then begins to bawl, it has to be a
fairly painful event. So I mention this to DH, who just says - It was an
accident. The irony is that he comes down like a ton of bricks on DS for
"not being careful" when he accidentally hurts Mommy. This happens all the
time since I do not try very hard to get out of the way of flying elbows
and
whatnot. So when I try to tell DH that HE has to be more careful, he just
says that DS is OK and blows me off. This is not OK with me.

The other issue I have is with hauling him around by his limbs. Picture an
example in which DH is trying to get DS to go with him to bathtime. He
gives
him the 5 and 2 minute warning. Then asks DS to come for bathtime. When DS
does not come, he repeats and whatnot. All of this is exactly the same as
I
would do. But what he does when noncompliance continues is takes him by
the
hand and physically lifts him by one arm! And carries him that way! I
think
this is rotten on a couple of levels:

- He could pull DS's arm right out if its socket. DH thinks that the fact
that it has not happened yet means it is not going to. (DDDUHHHHHHH)

- It does not communicate with DS's head that he needs to listen. What I
would do in this situation is walk over to him and put out my hand as if
to
hold hands. He will usually accept this as the inevitable and come with
me.
If that does not work I will ask him if he wants to come by himself or
does
he want to carry him. That usually works. If it does not, I pick him up by
the armpits like a normal carry. The thing is, I rarely have to do any of
these more aggressive tactics. He is accustomed to doing as I ask. By
hauling him off, DH is teaching him he really does not have to listen.

- I think it is an assault on the little guy's body and self control. If
someon just up and hauled me to my feet or beyond, I would be ****ed. And
it
just looks evil. When he does it out and about I think Damned it looks
like
we are child abusers. And I think it is just laziness that causes him to
not
want to reach down and pick him up by the armpits and speak to him in the
face.


Anyway - I guess that this is really more of a marital problem than a
parenting one. And mostly vent too for that matter. But any words of
wisdom
are appreciated. I find that THE most challenging thing about parenting is
getting on the same page with DH. ARGH. The other day he CHEERED DS on for
climbing up our rickety old changing table by himself. I wanted to dope
slap
him. The thing can hold his weight, but it would definitely tip over in a
stiff breeze.

Anyway, let me know if you have words of wisdom.

S