P. Tierney wrote:
My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
to say how far she will come back.

In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
it into words. I

So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
center, how can I make work?

First, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. What a
lot to handle!

I think that at 4.5 you mostly have to take her lead, but perhaps you
can provide some incentives with the new location -- talk positively
about it, how much nicer it is for her mom, etc., how eager her mom is
to see her.

Can you bring photos/video of mom at the rehab facility so that she can
see what it's like?

Would her best friend visit with her? Is there a slightly older child
(cousin, neighbor) who might visit and then appear in photos/video to
show her it's not scary?

I'm no psychologist but there might be some anger here -- in her little
mind, mom left her and she may be (on some level) angry about that).

Can the 16 yo brother help at all? I know kids are all over the map,
but if she looks up to him he might be a bridge.

I also think it might be best to make this spontaneous rather than
planned. You might take her out for a drive, ice cream, even routine
errands like the dry cleaner, and casually mention that maybe we could
stop by and see mom. If she says no, respect it -- but she might get
brave in the moment in ways she can't if she has to think about it for
too long.

Little ones really pick up on our feelings -- be sure you are sharing
honestly how you are feeling about this (not all of it, but enough that
she can trust you -- if she senses you are lying about how you're
handling it, she won't trust your advice about whether she can handle
it)

I think if these things don't work I'd find a good child counselor to
help you with this. Your hospital's social work department should be
able to provide some recommendations. You are going through so much
yourself that it's unfair to expect yourself to have perfect solutions
for this.

So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
and I think she needed some familiar ground for
awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
effect on her emotional health, especially if she
burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
to multiple, comfortable friends?

IMO it hasn't been too long yet. I think your focus needs to be on
your first problem, if you resolve that the rest may work out. Let her
stay with the folks that keep her comfortable.

-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 13