In article ,
illecebra wrote:

Robyn Kozierok wrote:
| IME, most college students gain that type of maturity during college,
| but not before, due to lack of real "living on one's own" experience.

That in itself, is a problem, IMHO. College is the first time that many
young adults live away from parents or guardians. However, it shouldn't
be the first time that they've taken responsibility for themselves,
decided if and when to go out, who to go out with, how to spend their
money, etc. The ones who come in having never made these decisions for
themselves already have the odds against them when they start college.

I definitely agree with that.

I'm all for guiding. However, I took exception with what I saw as an
implied statement that the parents' comfort with a student's living
arrangements were more important than how the student feels about it.

I like to think that what I want for my children will reflect what
will work for them, including what they want, but also what I believe
they can handle.

I think dorms are, for most young adults, a good stepping-stone into
living on their own. I think that with the new workload of college
classes, new responsibilities of living away from home for the first
time, having meals cooked and bathrooms cleaned for them makes the
whole deal a lot more manageable. I think that a person who has not
lived away from home before may not have the experience to make a good
decision about whether or not that stepping-stone will be a
good/necessary step for them or not. I think that someone who doesn't
know them well may also not have a good idea as to whether or not a
dorm would be a good/necessary step for them. Yet, as someone perhaps
younger and "cooler" than their parents, a young person might put more
weight on your suggestion that they not live in a dorm than perhaps
they ought to, depending on their circumstances.

Yes, ideally, by 17 or 18, my kids will trust my husband and me enough
to know that we have their best interests at heart, and that we
understand their unique needs, and that our advice regarding things
like this may be more relevant than that they receive from others who
don't know them as well. But I would also hope that other adults in
my children's life would encourage them to trust us rather than
trying to undermine us. Perhaps it is unrealistic to think that
we will understand our teens' needs better than others. Right now
our children are all under 12, so we are not yet into the teen years.


Being "less than thrilled" with what someone suggests to your child
implies to me that you don't think that a 17 or 18yo person should be
exposed to ideas that their parents disagree with. That, to me, is
excessively controlling. Also, whether parents like it or not, college
students are exposed to all sorts of people and media, and if they can't
filter out the good from the bad on their own, they won't survive very well.

I interpreted your "suggestion" as "undermining"; perhaps I was out of
context. But being a trusted adult in someone's life is different than
being "all sorts of people and media," and with that trusted position
comes a responsibility to look out for the teens' well-being rather
than just espousing your own agenda, IMO. It sounded to me like you
had an agenda to disparage dorm life because it wasn't a good fit for
you, without regard to whether or not it would be a good fit for the
teens to whom you were advocating forgoing it.

--Robyn