In article .com, lenny
fackler says...


Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old daughter.
My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts
not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting another.

She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the ones
we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I
try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.

When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another child
clearly has the upper hand.
They should talk to a counselor if one of them is unhappy about this.



If a marriage were to break up over this, it would be a case of this issue
embodying overall issues in the marriage. Like how the couple communicate,
negotiate, and have their needs and desires met or not met.

While from a certain practical standpoint I can see the reasoning behind the
no-child-is-trump conclusion, IMO the problem in a marriage is very often that
one partner's viewpoint is considered trump too much of the time. The problem
can be exactly that issues are looked at in that way - one having to justify
their desires vs. the other considering their own way to be the norm.

So statements about what should have 'the clear upper hand' and what 'trumps' go
against the real consideration and acceptance of others' needs and dreams that
should be happening here. It's a negotiation. If something is considered to
'trump', even if the eventual decision should be to stick to two kids, the
discussion about WHY and how important various things are to the two partners
won't happen. And it should happen. And, yes, perhaps her dreams regarding
family size are very important and he has the ability to deal with not getting
his way on this. Or not. But calling 'trump' may be exactly the problem which
really is the problem when marriages breakup over something like this.

Banty