Kevin Karplus wrote:

The use of "yes ma'am" and "no sir" is primarily a regional phenomenon
in the US, though it is prevalent among military families. The use of
these phrases does not indicate any more respect than "yeah" or
"uh-uh", just a different dialect of English.

Very true. Three years ago we moved from the midwest to the
Texas/Mexico border -- at first people were astounded at how polite
they felt our son was. I found that sort of odd. Of course, I think
he's a terrific kid but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Here, in
a predominantly Hispanic culture, there is lots of "ma'am" and "sir."
Henry didn't say that at the time. Also, there's far less calling
adults by their first name -- I regularly delight and amaze new friends
of Henry's by inviting them to call me Dawn. Henry was used to calling
adults he knew well (socially, anyway) by their first name.

I finally figured out that they saw him as polite because he habitually
uses "please" and "thank you," which are just expected in the Midwest,
even though in other ways that culture is less formal.

I have not observed the problem of "telling the parents what to do and
cussing them out when they don't get their way"---neither from my son
nor from any of his friends or classmates. That sort of behavior
problem would definitely be seen as a serious one requiring soem sort
of intervention around here. (That's not to deny that such behavior
exists, and may even be common in some communities, just that I don't
hang around with people for whom such behavior is normal.)

Do you hang around middle schoolers yet? I can't remember your son's
age in relation to Henry's. They definitely go through a phase of
testing that could be seen by outsiders as "telling parents what to do"
and even "cussing them out" although Henry has never sworn at me in
public. Yes, it's serious and requires intervention, but I've also
observed it's fairly normal and (thankfully) relatively short-lived.

I think at this age and in our culture they see this behavior in
popular culture (movies, etc) and feel obligated to try it out. They
ALSO see, usually, parents responding negatively and with consequences
in pop culture, so I don't necessarily see the pop culture influence as
bad in this regard, as long as we do our jobs and go along with the
script (i.e. not tolerating it).

All of that said, I've also learned not to over-react as the reaction
is often what he seems to be looking for. My husband mentioned last
night that Henry, who had been punished earlier in the evening for
trying to sneak out next door in the middle of the night to see a
friend, seemed to be almost enjoying the "romance" (my husband's word)
of the whole adventure, including our reaction -- in fact, so much so
that we sat him down a second time to make sure he understood that he
would NOT be feeling this way again if he dares to make the same
mistake twice.

-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 13