On Mon, 29 May 2006 11:02:06 EDT, "P. Tierney"
wrote:

So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
make anyone happy. So what to do?

Don't force her. If your wife looks pretty good and can talk to her,
then odds are the child's fears are worse than the reality and she
would be reassured by a video of her mom saying hello and that she
wants to have her come talk to her because she misses her. Children
have big imaginations and at her age, she can't differentiate fantasy
from reality. The horrible things she may be imagining are real
possibilities to her. Reassure her with the less horrible reality.
She may also fear being close to mom because she could lose her. Ask
her to help her baby brother to understand that the video shows there
is nothing to be afraid of and help him to go visit mommy. If your
wife looks really bad becasue of tubes, injuries, etc., don't take
your daughter there yet. Wait until the visit will be reassuring.

My kids went with me to see their grandpa when he was in the hospital.
We managed to get to his room just as he arrived and he was still
under some anasthetic. To me, it was no big deal. He was just kind
of out of it. It scared the bejeebers out of my kids, who were both
older than yours. In that case, I explained that he was still drowsy
from the stuff they gave him to put him to sleep for the operation and
we went to get something to eat at the cafeteria and have some
relaxing time and then went back to see him in much better shape. If
I could not have shown them that he was okay, the first view of him
would have been devastating and stayed with them a long time. They
still remember the visit and how scared they were at first and how
relieved when their old grandpa was back, just hooked up to some IV's
and looking a little more pale and tired than usual.

The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started
clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The
emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it,
didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel
safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that
left myself and her best friend (who is on our street).
They are understanding and accommodating, so I we
came to an understanding that I would only visit this
week when she could stay with her friend.

Her world spun out of control. Her mom left her and everything hast
changed and it's scary for a little girl. It might start occurring to
her that she could lose you, too. It is natural to be clingy after
something like what happened to her. She can't imagine losing both
parents (and to her, her mom is probably gone, four year olds don't
have much sense of time) so she wants to keep you in her sights. Leave
for short periods (even a minute down the street) without a
production, just telling her you'll be back. Return. Do it again.
Come back again. Work up to longer amounts of time. The more times
you leave and then return, the more positive experiences she has to
reassure herself when her fears rear their ugly heads.

I work with school children who have anxiety issues and explain to
them that they have a scaredy brain and a thinking brain. Both can't
be in charge at the same time. So when their scaredy brain is telling
them to be scared that you won't come back or that mommy will be weird
or whatever, they need to get their thinking brains in charge because
their thinking brain knows that daddy always comes back and that mommy
looks just like she did in the video she sent from the hospital (or
photo or whatever). The way to do this is to take a deep breath and
blow it all out. Have her tense up and then blow a deep breath out.
She will see that her body cannot stay tensed up when she does that
and it has to relax. It is telling her brain to relax and let the
thinking brain think it through, too, when she does that. I have
young kids blow it all out until they can blow my bangs. It works
wonders to have them trying to blow my bangs around my forehead.
That's distracting in and of itself and it also promotes getting all
the air out so her body has to relax. Do it yourself and see how it
works. When she starts to get worked up and anxious. Get on her
level, talk calmly and breathe with her until her thinking brain is
engaged. Then ask her questions like, "Have I ever left you and not
come back?" and have her answer that no you haven't. Make sure to end
with, "Would I ever go away and not come back? Of course not because
I love you way too much and I would miss you way too much and I would
want to come back and [fill in the things you most like doing with
her] with you and I want to be here with you forever and ever" or
something along those lines. You want to reinforce that you wouldn't
and also end up reminding her of things that make her feel loved and
safe and secure like the good memories of the things she enjoys doing
with you.

Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a
bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and
won't even play with that friend if she is with another
kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I
fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one.
She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else
who happens to drop by the house.

Let her be short with them. When it comes to other kids, they are
very understanding. Tell them that her mom has been really sick in
the hospital and she gets kind of sad and kind of mad when she thinks
about that so they might see her getting sad or mad. Keep an eye on
the interactions and intervene when it is getting testy with a
distraction.

So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
and I think she needed some familiar ground for
awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
effect on her emotional health, especially if she
burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
to multiple, comfortable friends?

She really needs to be seeing an outside therapist or counselor. There
are undoubtedly fears that she can't discuss with you no matter how
much she trusts you. Kids feel protective of their parents. If she
is mad at her mom for leaving her, she might be reluctant to tell you,
but she needs to be able to let it out with someone. The other
problem is that you are too stressed yourself to be able to absorb
some of her pain and help her to process it. My kids are school aged
and I encourage them to talk to their school counselors even though I
do counseling for a living. It is just too complicated to be
impartial and have the same dynamics when you are emotionally
involved. Their pain is too much my pain and my pain is too much
their pain to be able to get it all out productively together. When
my oldest daughter started having some more severe issues, I started
her in therapy. She talks to me a lot, but she also knows that if
things come up that she is afraid will hurt me or anger me or
disappoint me, whether they actually would or not, she has a place to
discuss them freely. No child should go through this kind of ordeal
without professional help. Every hospital or rehab facility dealing
with cases like your wife's would have people on staff or that they
could refer you to, often free of charge or on an ability to pay
basis. It would help you to be able to talk to someone, too. That
kind of burden is too heavy for anyone to carry alone, but there are
people trained specifically in how to make it bearable without having
to figure that out the long and hard way.

Good luck to all of you!
--
Paula
"Anyway, other people are weird, but sometimes they have candy,
so it's best to try to get along with them." Joe Bay