On Thu, 11 Mar 2004 19:38:41 -0600, "Daniel"
daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote:

[snip]

She already knows I'm asking for help...problem is she is beyond caring
about it.

Hi Daniel. First, let me tell you that what you are doing for your
sister is a critically important thing, and I admire you greatly for
it. I think that what you say above is wrong, though. I think that she
almost certainly *does* care, but hell if she'll let you know that.

I can't pretend to be able to tell you what to do. I can tell you a
little about what I've done myself, and hope it helps. I think Kat had
a lot of very helpful input and her insight pretty much fits with my
own, though from a different angle.

I have two daughters who are now 16 1/2 and nearly 19. The younger one
was abducted on her way to school and raped at knifepoint for a few
hours, while handcuffed and confined. Prior to that, she was a
youngish prepubertal 13 year old, very eager to please and sweet
natured. After the rape, she completely lost the plot, and although it
was a year before I knew what was wrong, I suddenly had a raging,
defiant teenager. I was nailing her windows shut to keep her from
jumping out. On one occasion, with her prior agreement, I tried
locking her in her room and she kicked down the door. There were
suicide attempts and there was a lot of taking off and going God knew
where. She's since told me she used to sit by the river and
contemplate going in. I absolutely *hated* the people she was hanging
out with. I was terrified that she was abusing drugs and/or alcohol.

Things are completely turned around now. She's in school, she's
working at a job caring for a disabled child, she's very much on
track. She continues to have some significant issues around sexuality,
which isn't at all surprising, and in her case, that means I don't
have your worry of early sexual activity. She's also in therapy and
working hard on dealing with the things she still struggles with.
Overall we have an excellent relationship involving a lot of mutual
trust. She's still a teenager, and she still ****es me off on
occasion, but it's most often pretty normal parent-kid stuff at this
point.

I made plenty of mistakes and I know, believe me, how excruciating it
is to be in the middle of this. It really *hurts* to watch a child you
love suffer and it hurts doubly when they express that by lashing out
at you, their primary support system. I can't begin to describe the
grief and betrayal and anger and frustration I felt.

So here are some of the things I learned, and wish I had known back
then, for whatever they're worth. Take what's useful and ignore the
rest.

- Even when they are especially horrible, maybe especially when
they're as awful as they know how to be, they *do* care what you say
and do and feel. They will do anything to keep you from thinking that,
but they *do care*. There was one time very shortly before T's
hospitalisation and disclosure of the rape, where she ran away to a
girlfriend's home. I didn't like the mother and felt it was a grossly
unhealthy place, and so I went to get her back. The mother let me in
but was hostile. The home had nine cats in it, and I have a history of
being so allergic to cats I can't even be in the room with one. When T
refused to come home, I said, "Ok, fine, I can't make you. But I won't
go without you." And I sat down crosslegged on the floor and waited
four hours, until she gave up and came home. She yelled at me
intermittently through that and I just kept saying, "I love you and I
won't go home without you." I now know, that although at the time she
was actually trying to get me to let her move out and even tried to
get Social Services to put her in foster care, the fact that I stuck
that night out meant a huge amount to her. She was so hurt and angry
because of what she was going through, that she couldn't begin to
express or even recognise what she needed, and the love I had for her.
But that night and other times like it were a part of what got through
to her that no matter *what* she did I was going to love her and she
wasn't going to get rid of me.

- I'm all in favour of surveillance software, but like ?John?, I think
the best possible use of it is to tell the kid flat out that you're
using it. I told mine that I was installing it and that she should
tell everyone she talked with that I had done so, and then they should
conduct themselves as if I was standing in the room listening to
everything they said. My daughter accepted this because at the time
she was being quite brutally bullied, and she knew that I needed
evidence to protect her, which I got. I realise that your situation is
quite different in that respect, and I understand that you're trying
to gather information for a conviction. What I suggest you do, without
myself having any judgement one way or another, is to think through
what your goals are, in what order. I would imagine your top priority
is to protect her, and that charging this guy is a poor second, unless
in some fashion it aids in the protection goal. If that's right...if
'getting' him is secondary to her protection, you might want to
consider whether there are ways you can use the things you've talked
about, including surveillance that *she knows about* to reduce her
contact with the guy. I don't know. Just something to toss around.
Here's the software I used: http://www.spywaredirectory.com/starr.asp

- There is no way in the world to control a teenager who doesn't want
to be controlled. There really isn't. People who think there is have
never dealt with a truly unwilling to be controlled teen. I agree with
some that most teens want to be controlled on some level, but I also
know that there is *no controlling* a teen who chooses to resist hard
enough. So the secret seems to be, or was for us, anyway, to get buy
in by *showing* the love you have and the reasons you do what you do.
That, I think, is what my sitting in that house that night was a part
of. (BTW, I had so much natural adrenaline in my body, I never even
reacted to all those cats.) But it's not just things like that. It's
the relentlessness of loving them when they seem wholly unlovable
that I think finally gets through, if anything does. It's making them
a lunch that you know they won't eat, and telling them you love them
and want them to eat it and you're going to make it just in case
(yeah, yeah, I know 14 year olds can make their own lunches, but I'm
talking about how you can show them that your money is where your
mouth is). It's telling them you're going to put software on their
computer for their protection no matter how angry it makes them,
because you love them enough to withstand their anger. In my case,
there were times when I physically restrained my daughter to keep her
from doing dangerous things, and that was very hard and I would then
hold her until she cried in my arms. Gotta be careful with that, but
when you're in the trenches, you sometimes go where you never thought
you would. (special note: I have training and certification in non
violent holds, so YMMV) Anyway, ultimately, the only control you will
ever have is control that they buy into, because they recognise that
you truly do have their best interests at heart. And that doesn't come
easily when they've been badly hurt. They don't believe *anyone* can
have their best interests at heart. They are wounded, and like wounded
animals, they lash out at the nearest being. All you can do is to let
them know how much you care and to tell them what you see and why it
hurts.

- Consistency helps a lot. Keeping your expectations very predictable,
enforcing very predictably, setting out what you're going to do and
why in advance of problems, all help. They help partly because then
the teen gets a sense of order in their world, and that's the first
step towards wanting order in their world, and finding ways of their
own to make it happen. That is, developing self control.

- Showing as little anger as possible is a very good idea. It's also
damned near impossible a lot of the time. But if you can keep calm
when they're moving heaven and earth to punch your buttons, you
maintain your credibility and your own control and they eventually
come to respect that. Passive, subverted anger counts as anger.

- Making your consequences as logical and natural as possible is very
helpful. This has the effect of removing you from the role of 'bad
guy' a lot of the time. So, for example, when my daughter kicked in
her door, I waited until she was much calmer (about a week, as I
recall), and then I taught her how to repair the door. It was so
damaged that it was only partly fixable, and that meant it didn't
close properly. And that was a consequence that mattered to her. When
she was in the company of a girl who had shoplifted and hidden the
goods in her bag, I told her that she clearly needed protection from
finding stolen goods in her bag, and that therefore she was going to
have me in her company, or an adult of my choosing, for the next two
weeks, at which time we would review whether her behaviour indicated a
respect for her own safety during that time. (this was much easier for
me to enforce where we lived, because we were in a rural and isolated
place and she couldn't get too far without help). I even volunteered
to chaperone the high school dance so that she could go to it. Sure,
she could've taken off from the dance without telling me. By that
time, she was beginning at some level to realise she did need me to be
in charge, I think, because she didn't do that.

- Plan your consequences in advance, so that as often as possible, you
already know what you're going to do when she defies you. Make them
realistic. Try not to threaten, but just state the consequences when
she shows signs of breaking the rules, then follow through as calmly
as possible after she does so.

- Try not to carry a grudge from one incident to the next. They change
their mood literally in seconds, and much of the time literally don't
realise that you're still on what happened ten minutes ago.

- She's sexually active. My daughter who was hurt isn't, largely
because the nature of the crime against her was so horrific that the
thought frightens her, and that's come in useful at the moment
although it'll take a whack of therapy to get past that for later.
Anyway, my elder daughter certainly is. I figured as soon as she was,
my best bet was to pay for the birth control and condoms, and make
sure she had 'em, because at least that way they're safe. Obviously
you don't want to condone teen sex, but once it's already underway,
you need damage control, IMO.

- This guy will dump her. Or she'll have had enough of him and she'll
dump him. At that point, you don't want her to be afraid to tell you
or reluctant to do the dumping because she thinks you'll say "I told
you so." You're right, he's out of line, and sure, you might be able
to make legal trouble for him, but the real issue here is trying to
make sure you have her trust for when the inevitable happens and she
needs you to pick up the pieces. Because at THAT point, she stands to
learn something from her experience if you can help her interpret it,
whereas otherwise, she'll likely go on to repeat the mistake. So think
about how you can let her know that you object not because you think
her judgement sucks or because you want control over her, but because
you're genuinely concerned. Let her know that you want to be there for
her whether or not you agree with her choices and whether or not she
thinks she needs your advice.

Holy cow, this post is way, way too long. I could write a book. I
actually am thinking about it. LOL I'm going to stop. Consider a look
at a book called, "How to Deal With Your Acting-Out Teenager"
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...roduct-details
I found it was the only book I read on the subject (and I read a lot
of 'em!) that really 'got' what this was like and had realistic,
sensible advice.

I hope that as long as it's been to wade through, if you made it this
far, this is some help somewhere. My heart goes out to you. The good
news is, their brains *really are* different and they really *do*
change and get better. They have far, far too many neural connections
at 13 and 14 and those prune down between then and the end of the
teens. So if you can just keep her healthy, it will most likely get
better. And after you've been through all this and gone the course,
you'll know it was worth it. I do. Mine's doing well, and it does feel
good to know that I've been a part of that.

Try to take care of yourself too. You've taken on an awful lot. She's
lucky to have a big brother who cares so much. Some kids don't have
that, and the kids without anyone are the kids who get lost....

Be well.

Cele